PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JuneLSATFail
Posts: 98
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:27 pm

PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh

Postby JuneLSATFail » Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:42 pm

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Last edited by JuneLSATFail on Tue Jun 04, 2013 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JuneLSATFail
Posts: 98
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 9:27 pm

Re: PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh

Postby JuneLSATFail » Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:04 am

Bump.

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danielhay11
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Re: PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh

Postby danielhay11 » Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:43 pm

You have a good story, but it's laden with an ineffective first paragraph. Watch out for typos ("It was in the fourth grade..."), cliche (turned upside down), and asymmetry (the opposite of "stable" is not "fell into an abyss"). Also, I would start with more of a bang. IMO, beginning a narrative with "I was XX years old" or "In 20XX" is boring. Maybe start with your mother. Was there something in her demeanor/expression that told you something was wrong before she even opened her mouth - was she looking around the room as she composed herself? were her hands shaking? etc...

I think the rest of the essay improves from there, but could still use some tweaking. If you want to swap, PM and I'll take a closer look at the other paragraphs after work.




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