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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Bildungsroman
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby Bildungsroman » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:45 pm

pugilistjd wrote:Ok, I like some of what you said. But, just for shits and giggles, actually read the WHOLE PS and not two sentences. Then tell me if you actually can name anyone you know with my life story. Here's a hint: you don't.

Your life story is way less impressive and unique than you think. I know plenty of people who worked full-time during undergrad, plenty of non-trad students, plenty of people who dropped out of high school. Your PS was extremely boring because it seemed like you were trying to write a PS about overcoming adversity or excelling at something, and the story you told wasn't nearly impressive enough in either category to make a good PS.

And I did read your whole PS before writing this, and found crumpetsandtea's comments to be completely accurate. Don't try and tell your whole unimpressive life story in the PS.

A final note: proofread more carefully. Vaccuum? Obstain? Blaim?

HBK
Posts: 493
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby HBK » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:48 pm

pugilistjd wrote:
crumpetsandtea wrote:I find it amusing that OP got all defensive that HBK was 'stereotyping' him, and it turns out it was actually OP stereotying HBK. :lol: :lol: :lol: Learn to take criticism or don't ask for it, OP.


How? Also, you acknowledge that his response was bigoted. I responded to said bigotry and had no problem with his legit criticism. So, what's the problem, buddy?


I see, because making judgments about people based on their accounts of their own decisions is bigoted? As the poster above said, you have a fifty pound chip on your shoulder. And unlike people who genuinely face bigotry, you were the one who chose to put it there.

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cinephile
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby cinephile » Sat Oct 29, 2011 7:54 pm

Try to avoid flowery language, like things being seared into your brain. Also, don't use an obscure word when a common one will do.

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pugilistjd
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:01 pm

x
Last edited by pugilistjd on Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Justdoingmybest
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby Justdoingmybest » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:05 pm

Ok I feel like this argument is pointless. pugilistjd, why don't you spend the time you have perfecting your PS. Make it better. Give us a better version and then we can pick up the conversation. Again we are TRYING to help you. Calm down, take a deep breath and start editing.

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kwais
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby kwais » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:08 pm

pugilistjd wrote:[


"allow me to provide a dictionary definition of a word and then let you know that I'm not using that way... so there"
also,
come on man, you can't leave out important stuff and then blame other people for thinking your statement as written is boring and entitled.

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pugilistjd
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:10 pm

HBK wrote:I see, because making judgments about people based on their accounts of their own decisions is bigoted? As the poster above said, you have a fifty pound chip on your shoulder. And unlike people who genuinely face bigotry, you were the one who chose to put it there.


So, because I chose to post about being a high school drop out, being called lazy for it is somehow less bigoted? I don't get it. Point to anywhere in my PS that indicates that I'm work-averse without using your bias to fill in the blanks. I will sit here shining my glorious shoulder-chip while you do that.

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pugilistjd
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:14 pm

kwais wrote:
pugilistjd wrote:[


"allow me to provide a dictionary definition of a word and then let you know that I'm not using that way... so there"
also,
come on man, you can't leave out important stuff and then blame other people for thinking your statement as written is boring and entitled.


Come on bro, you can't use a word hyperbolically without knowing the original denotation.

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kwais
Posts: 1683
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby kwais » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:17 pm

pugilistjd wrote:
kwais wrote:
pugilistjd wrote:[


"allow me to provide a dictionary definition of a word and then let you know that I'm not using that way... so there"
also,
come on man, you can't leave out important stuff and then blame other people for thinking your statement as written is boring and entitled.


Come on bro, you can't use a word hyperbolically without knowing the original denotation.


that's dumb. anyway, if you have a more interesting story, tell that one. good day sir, I said good day

HBK
Posts: 493
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby HBK » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:22 pm

pugilistjd wrote:
HBK wrote:I see, because making judgments about people based on their accounts of their own decisions is bigoted? As the poster above said, you have a fifty pound chip on your shoulder. And unlike people who genuinely face bigotry, you were the one who chose to put it there.


So, because I chose to post about being a high school drop out, being called lazy for it is somehow less bigoted? I don't get it. Point to anywhere in my PS that indicates that I'm work-averse without using your bias to fill in the blanks. I will sit here shining my glorious shoulder-chip while you do that.


1. It was time to go to school and I had yet again chosen to obstain. (I think you meant abstain)
2. She worked hard to make sure my sister and I could lead healthy, productive lives. As a single mom struggling to keep employment, that was no easy task. It wasn't that I wasn't aware of the importance of getting an education. After all, that was a basic assumption of attending public school. Education was supposed to be the key to a successful future. I, on the other hand, have never been satisfied to do something just because someone told me I ought to; I had to be shown or, even better, experience first-hand why I ought to follow orders. (You didn't want to go to school, so you disappointed your hard working single mother).
3. After accumulating a vaccuum of lost credits from skipping class, I decided to drop out of high school. (Not something a dedicated or hardworking student would do)

- The second time you dropped out of school, you provided no other rationale other than that you decided to work instead. This leaves the reader to infer that, again, you didn't want to go to school.

Glad I could help, and good luck on the rewrite.

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pugilistjd
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:28 pm

kwais wrote:
pugilistjd wrote:
kwais wrote:
pugilistjd wrote:[


"allow me to provide a dictionary definition of a word and then let you know that I'm not using that way... so there"
also,
come on man, you can't leave out important stuff and then blame other people for thinking your statement as written is boring and entitled.


Come on bro, you can't use a word hyperbolically without knowing the original denotation.


that's dumb. anyway, if you have a more interesting story, tell that one. good day sir, I said good day


If you haven't been put off by my fighting ways (hence the pugilist), I posted a couple of stories in this thread that might be more interesting/worth forming a PS around. They are located near the bottom of the first page.

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kwais
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby kwais » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:37 pm

#2 is more promising in that it is focused on your work experience. I would give that a try.

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pugilistjd
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:41 pm

.
Last edited by pugilistjd on Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:55 am

Some people have a story about playing a poor hand well. This is a story about playing a good hand poorly. Quite original. I love it. Don't listen to all these liberal arts majors. Send it just how it is.

I think the spelling and grammar errors keep it real and raw. I'd leave them in. Show 'em you are a scrapper.

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bk1
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby bk1 » Sun Oct 30, 2011 2:46 am

kublaikahn wrote:Some people have a story about playing a poor hand well. This is a story about playing a good hand poorly. Quite original. I love it. Don't listen to all these liberal arts majors. Send it just how it is.

I think the spelling and grammar errors keep it real and raw. I'd leave them in. Show 'em you are a scrapper.


:mrgreen:

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omninode
Posts: 405
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby omninode » Sun Oct 30, 2011 6:51 am

.
Last edited by omninode on Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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danielhay11
Posts: 230
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby danielhay11 » Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:28 am

pugilistjd wrote:
If you haven't been put off by my fighting ways (hence the pugilist), I posted a couple of stories in this thread that might be more interesting/worth forming a PS around. They are located near the bottom of the first page.


I'd run with #2. The first is awesome-bar-story interesting, but maybe not PS interesting.

There are two common PS flaws you will need to be careful to avoid: make sure the story is about you, not the employee, and make sure it doesn't come off as, "That was wrong so, hot damn, I'm gonna be a lawyer."

03121202698008
Posts: 3002
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby 03121202698008 » Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:33 am

I'd start over. Your PS takes the place of an interview. Would you tell that story in an interview? Hopefully not. Use it to sell yourself and emphasize the traits you think they are looking for. Read together, your resume/PS/DS should paint a picture of who you are. They should not restate each other.

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pugilistjd
Posts: 159
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Re: Guy who posted Scam Blog Themed-PS: Take 2

Postby pugilistjd » Sun Oct 30, 2011 9:36 am

kublaikahn wrote:Some people have a story about playing a poor hand well. This is a story about playing a good hand poorly. Quite original. I love it. Don't listen to all these liberal arts majors. Send it just how it is.

I think the spelling and grammar errors keep it real and raw. I'd leave them in. Show 'em you are a scrapper.


KK enters at just right moment to make a smug remark, whisk his cape over his anonymous face, and prance away after a job well done. Feel good. You are useless.




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