final DS ready to submit - last critique please!

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Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

final DS ready to submit - last critique please!

Postby Schang1 » Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:58 pm

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Last edited by Schang1 on Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Justdoingmybest
Posts: 172
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:58 pm

Re: final DS ready to submit - last critique please!

Postby Justdoingmybest » Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:18 pm

honestly I don't think this is ready yet.

--In the first paragraph it feels like you are just listing stuff. You aren't really tying the sentences together and although it is obvious you are diverse, your DS doesn't fully exploit that.

--The second paragraph doesn't really tell me much about you. You might want to explore your idea of 'home' instead. You are Korean but you call the Philippines home, there has to be story in that somewhere.

--The third paragraph, you need to tell us what your opinions are. Why does it make you diverse? And in my opinion I believe the US is more accustomed to diversity than you think. So I do not really agree with that statement.

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: final DS ready to submit - last critique please!

Postby Schang1 » Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:20 pm

Justdoingmybest wrote:honestly I don't think this is ready yet.

--In the first paragraph it feels like you are just listing stuff. You aren't really tying the sentences together and although it is obvious you are diverse, your DS doesn't fully exploit that.

--The second paragraph doesn't really tell me much about you. You might want to explore your idea of 'home' instead. You are Korean but you call the Philippines home, there has to be story in that somewhere.

--The third paragraph, you need to tell us what your opinions are. Why does it make you diverse? And in my opinion I believe the US is more accustomed to diversity than you think. So I do not really agree with that statement.


:( Thanks for the great feedback... Maybe I should go back and re-write this one... But your feedback helped a ton. I'll expand on some of my points :)




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