Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

Postby dillonjess » Fri Oct 28, 2011 11:55 am

Last edited by dillonjess on Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

Postby tmcarj » Sat Oct 29, 2011 12:12 pm

I really like the whole idea of your everyday self, not some over dramatic defining moment. However, I think yours needs a little more development - maybe go more in depth about a few things you mention and bring it back to why you'd make an excellent law student. Also, the part about the steps:
"I made my way slowly to an area slightly down and to the right of the center and then walked out the rest of my day. A couple steps to the right to the library, then a few up to go to class. A handful to the left going home, then two down for dinner. Two back up to study in the dorm before heading right a few more for a meeting. Finally, I reversed course and ended back at the center of the labyrinth and my dorm. My day ends there, as did my walk. I stepped off the tarp, put on my shoes and welcomed a visiting family to the school as I left."
seems a little confusing/ lengthy/ unnecessary. - I think I see what you are trying to do, but maybe you could go about it in a more clear way.
Also, the whole pre-med to pre-law thing. I understand that you may want to mention it, but maybe re-think that. I was also pre-med but I think it might be best to downplay that. I'd still talk about biochem but you can maybe play up your interest in biochem as a subject and play down the pre-med thing.

Also (sorry for all the "also's" but I keep thinking of things), when you say:
"From the outside, I may be unpredictable, but that randomness is my way of working towards a goal. Right now, that goal is law school."

You don't really seem unpredictable in the rest of your essay and I don't think being unpredictable is a good thing necessarily. Above you mention the ability to design your own path and that sound good and independent, but unpredictable sounds more like immature and lacking conviction. when you say "right now...." it seems like your not really sure what your goal is but for the moment it is law school - again, lacking conviction.

All this being said, I do think that you are off to a really good start with this - the topic (to me at least) is more intriguing than most and the fact that you pointedly don't include some singular life-changing moment/ epiphany about law school is different in a good way. Again, this is just my personal opinion and as a fellow applicant, take my advice with a grain of salt.

Good luck!

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Re: Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sat Oct 29, 2011 1:36 pm

As an overall critique, I think you're far too wordy. You don't sound professional. It's like your audience is you and that's not going to work for a law school PS. And, to be quite honest, your prose is so jumbled and incoherent that it's near impossible to get through. If I was a member of an adcomm, I wouldn't finish reading it. Your prose needs to be smooth. It needs to flow, and it needs to be near perfect.

You obviously have an interesting story to tell, but you need to do so in an effective way. Right now you're not.

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Re: Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Oct 29, 2011 1:52 pm

I only read the first & last paragraphs. Overall this is a very weak PS because you waste too many words complaining about not having the luxury of telling your story with more words ("hours and hours"). Effective lawyers & successful law students need to be able to communicate complex ideas in a succinct fashion. This seems to be difficult for you to do.

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Re: Another Personal Statement: Would Love Comments

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Oct 30, 2011 1:30 am

This is a really difficult PS to write, climbing inside the mind of the writer. The way one thinks is far different and more complex than the way one writes, and rightly so. To be honest, this is a great attempt, yet due to the degree of difficulty still falls short. You need to be able to express the complexity of thought in a more simple and compact way. Very hard. I would stay with it though. Success may take a dozen iterations.

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