Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

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jeremydc
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Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby jeremydc » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:26 pm

...
Last edited by jeremydc on Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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jeremydc
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Re: Very rough draft. Hawaiian culture focus

Postby jeremydc » Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:19 am

Any1?

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jeremydc
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby jeremydc » Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:28 am

New angel!

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Justdoingmybest
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Justdoingmybest » Sat Oct 29, 2011 9:09 am

This is your DS, right?

--I believe you can start off stronger. Maybe begin with the image of Hawaiian brochures and compare it to YOUR reality..
-- Some of the sentences need work. In terms of syntax and grammar
--Make it more personal by explaining, instead of listing. make it flow
--Paragraphs. The way your statement was posted, it was hard to see the distinction between paragraphs. Editing that would make it easier to read.
--Apart from the your Hawaiian heritage...you didn't really SHOW much. You mentioned your difficult life but there isn't much proof. You say your house was behind your school but that does not really imply it was a difficult to live there. Also you mention "No education, drug use, and homelessness" but these problems exist in many communities around the world. You never mention if you came across these issues and if they affected you in some way.

Good Luck!!

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jeremydc
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby jeremydc » Sat Oct 29, 2011 2:05 pm

Awesome, thanks man will take the advice.

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jeremydc
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE *Updated 10/30/11*

Postby jeremydc » Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:25 am

Beautiful sunsets with dancers of the ancient Hawaiian art of hula are portrayed on vacation brochures of Hawaii but these portrayals of Hawaii are not what I experienced. My life as a Hawaiian in a modern society cannot be compared to the Hawaiians of the past. Today, for the most part Hawaiians are seen as lazy, filthy, and uneducated. Why does such a stereotype exist?

As a young child, governmental assistance was common. The assistance from the government began to be an excuse for my family not to work or better themselves. If the government was going to subsidize the rent and hand out food stamps then there was no need to change the way of living. I remember going to the store with my friends, food stamps in hand without a care in the world because thanks to my mother there was nothing I needed to worry about. She was able to hide me from the world who frowned upon those who were thought to be lazy, filthy, and uneducated. The true reality of Hawaii was about to set in.

Hawaiians are a proud people, I was proud to be Hawaiian until the day I was exposed to the thought processes of the upper class classmates at my newly renovated middle school. I did not realize that moving from one side of the island of Oahu to the other would have such an impact on my life. As a young teenager, I knew that being the new kid in school would create certain problems but I did not know that those problems would include racism. I will never forget the mean stares, the snickering, and the verbal abuse that I endured throughout middle school. Being branded as a lazy, filthy, uneducated Hawaiian served a previously unknown purpose that would later help me accomplish the things that no one thought I could.

The stereotype of what Hawaiians prompted me to examine my life as a member of society. No one in my family had a steady job and all were on some type of governmental assistance. I quickly began to comprehend that the stereotype placed on Hawaiians was no one else’s but our own. The fear of those who were better educated stopped the Hawaiian people from adapting to the modern society that is now known as Hawaii. I began to see that my own people, my own culture was at fault for my fear of the higher educated people that surrounded me my entire life. Never leaving more than 15 miles of my community (comfort zone) until I was a teenager hindered me from experiencing what others had thought of Hawaiian people.

My thought process as a high school student was much different than the thought processes of many of my classmates. I was not searching for a way to be popular but a way to distinguish myself as an educated Hawaiian. With the disapproval of my friends and family, I joined as many clubs and sports as 24 hours in a day would allow me to. I knew that the disapproval from those that surrounded was stemmed by the fear of change but that did not discourage me from distinguishing myself from the stereotype of Hawaiians. Graduation from high school was seen as the end of the road for many of my classmates but I knew it was the beginning of my road to success.

My goal in life is to encourage my culture to pursue higher education. For my culture to see higher education as an opportunity to shift the stereotype of being uneducated to becoming an integrate part of modern society. I believe that as a lawyer, there is much that I can do to change the thought process of my culture. Even though my experiences as a child and as a young adult can be seen as negative, the realization that I am better than any stereotype will only help me face any future endeavors.

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Justdoingmybest
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Justdoingmybest » Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:42 am

This is a better draft. I has some suggestions though. Also is this your PS or DS?

- I like what you are trying to portray in the first sentence but I believe that you should keep working on it. I feel it can be tighter and stronger. I am also not sure about the last sentence of the 1st paragraph.

- work on this sentence, If the government was going to subsidize the rent and hand out food stamps then there was no need to change the way of living.

-I'm not sure how effective the transition (last) sentence in the 2nd paragraph is. I believe the statement is better without it. Also you might want to combine the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs or take out the 2nd. There is a lot of overlap and the 2nd can easily be summarized.

-I like that the 4th paragraphs focuses on You. Keep that.

-After reading the 5th and 6th, I am not sure if I am getting the message that you are trying to pass on. it almost seemed like you distanced yourself from the Hawaiian community and sought acceptance from your friends. I know this is wrong but i keep coming away with that picture in my mind. I might just be me.

Good Luck!

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jeremydc
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby jeremydc » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:21 pm

Awesome!. I forgot to mention that this is my PS. I appreciate the time you have taken to help me with my statement.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:33 pm

Great content, but the delivery needs to be refined. Convincing, sincere, genuine & effective. A bit of an eye-opening theme for those unfamiliar with Hawaiian culture.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Very rough draft. PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 02, 2011 8:10 pm

To be more specific, the first sentence of the fourth paragraph & the entire sixth (final) paragraph need to be revised.




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