Short Diversity Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
decentalias
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:33 pm

Short Diversity Statement

Postby decentalias » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:55 pm

I tried to keep this short and to the point. Any help is appreciated, whether it regards content or length.

Thanks!

Last edited by decentalias on Mon Oct 31, 2011 10:26 am, edited 7 times in total.

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NiccoloA
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Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby NiccoloA » Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:08 pm

You are definitely diverse. But I would avoid mentioning previous illicit behaviors in the diversity statement.

I like the idea of being short and to the point, but the "only" child comment begs for explanation.

At least if I was an adcomm, I would think, what does he mean by this? And I think you're giving up an opportunity to make a powerful statement.

decentalias
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby decentalias » Thu Oct 27, 2011 10:49 am

NiccoloA wrote:You are definitely diverse. But I would avoid mentioning previous illicit behaviors in the diversity statement.

I like the idea of being short and to the point, but the "only" child comment begs for explanation.

At least if I was an adcomm, I would think, what does he mean by this? And I think you're giving up an opportunity to make a powerful statement.

Thanks for the feedback! The stealing part is from when I was a good bit younger and is something that I still feel awful about, which is why I put it in. I'm curious as to what other people have to say about the matter.

The "only" part could be explained by replacing "Since then," with "Since his death." However, I am unsure how I feel about the bluntness. Maybe there is another way?

Any more help would be appreciated!

decentalias
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby decentalias » Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:48 pm

Don't mean to bump so soon after the last post, but I added a number of things based on the comments above for further critique.

omega918
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Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby omega918 » Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:08 pm

I would add some clarification about your brother's death, either by mentioning his/your age when she passed away, or by the more blunt "Since his death" I think it would just make it a little clearer.

Also, the sentences talking about your successes being a mark of pride, to stealing birthday presents, to community service seem a bit choppy or forced to me. I am not averse to mentioning the stealing, because I think you can show how much it affected you, and how that helps shape your views and actions, but would like to see it all flow a little smoother. Maybe something along the lines of: "My success...a mark of pride in my family. While my friends who introduced me to community service face prosecution for selling drugs, I still feel shame from I resorted to stealing birthday gifts as a child to save my family money." You can probably make it sound better than that, but I think it would be nice to tie it together a little better.

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theadvancededit
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Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby theadvancededit » Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:38 pm

I really like this. However, it does have a certain roughness to it-- this would work from a narrative/literary standpoint, but I agree with the others in that it leads to some confusion. I think you need a few more connecting sentences between the major points you're making-- your loss of your father and brother, the family's responsibility resting on you, as well as your own experiences having to provide for yourself and reconciling this to both the adcomm and yourself. Over all though I think this shows a lot of potential but more revision and editing is needed, though.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:45 pm

Overall, this borders on a plea for pity while noting diverse hardship elements in your background. The first paragraph needs to be revised to reflect a more thoughtful & less rushed portrait of your environment & upbringing.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:49 pm

CONSIDER: Using the first two sentences of the second paragraph as the first two sentences of your first paragraph in order to establish a clear theme that will orient the reader to your message.

decentalias
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby decentalias » Fri Oct 28, 2011 6:46 pm

@theadvancededit & omega918: I agree wholeheartedly with your comments. In my revised copy, I have tried to transition better and add clarifications. Let me know what you think.

@CanadianWolf: As always, your comments are to the point and effective. I have worked over the first paragraph a good bit in hopes of providing more explanation, and thus ease up on the vibe of "a plea for pity" and to be more thoughtful. I tinkered around with your idea of moving the sentences, but I couldn't do it in a way I liked (mostly because I couldn't come up with a good transition into a conclusion). So, instead, I tried to alter the second paragraph as well to make things flow a bit nicer. Again, please let me know if this helps address what you correctly pointed out.

The revised version is in the OP and I thank you all for the help - I feel this is definitely becoming a stronger piece because of it!

decentalias
Posts: 23
Joined: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:33 pm

Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby decentalias » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:24 pm

I plan on sending in my apps within a couple of days, so here's a night bump. I also added some edits to my edits.

kublaikahn
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Re: Short Diversity Statement

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:47 am

Why were you doing your parents resumes? And how old were you? Your family dysfunction centered on your brother playing the role of parent. Ironically, upon his death, you took his position. I believe the lesson is more than that things were hard. Things were wrong. Beyond having empathy for others, which I am sure you do, how did you learn to reconnect and function in a healthy way?




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