Addendum critique, anyone?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
iamrobk
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Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby iamrobk » Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:34 pm

Wasn't 100% sure what to write, so here's what I came with. The situation is explained pretty well in the paragraph, since it's something that's not mentioned anywhere on my transcripts, so otherwise I don't think the schools I'm applying to would even know.
As a member of the Schreyer Honors College at Penn State, I am held to a higher standard than other members of the university. Part of this standard is a requirement to maintain a 3.33 GPA every semester. Double majoring in accounting and history has turned out to be a much harder task than I envisioned when I began my freshman year at Penn State, and I failed to meet this GPA requirement during the 2010-11 academic year. Because of this I was placed on Warning status within the Honors College. This was a humbling experience for me, and has caused me to focus even harder on my academic studies. My commitment to studying has manifested itself in my recent LSAT score of 171, and I am making every effort to ensure that my grades are higher than ever.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby bernaldiaz » Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:47 pm

iamrobk wrote:Wasn't 100% sure what to write, so here's what I came with. The situation is explained pretty well in the paragraph, since it's something that's not mentioned anywhere on my transcripts, so otherwise I don't think the schools I'm applying to would even know.
As a member of the Schreyer Honors College at Penn State, (1)I am held to a higher standard than other members of the university. Part of this (2)standard is a requirement to maintain a 3.33 GPA every semester. (3) Double majoring in accounting and history has turned out to be a much harder task than I envisioned when I began my freshman year at Penn State, and I failed to meet this GPA requirement during the 2010-11 academic year. Because of this I was placed on Warning status within the Honors College. This was a humbling experience for me, and has caused me to focus even harder on my (4) academic studies. My commitment to studying (5) has manifested itself in my recent LSAT score of 171, and I am making every effort to ensure that my grades are higher than ever.


(1) Sounds pretentious. Would, at the minimum, change "higher standard" to "higher academic standard"
(2) A bit redundant and wordy. Could just say part of this standard is to... OR part of this requirement is to
(3) I would be a bit cleaner on the tense of my verbs. I think if you just changed "has turned out to be" to "turned out to be" it would make a world of difference. If you made this change, it would be more consistent with the argument you are making that these academic struggles are in the past. Saying "has turned out" tacitly implies that you are still having issues.
(4) Once again, a bit redundant.
(5) A bit awkward. I would change this to "My commitment to studying is manifest in my recent..." It's just a bit cleaner.

iamrobk
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby iamrobk » Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:28 pm

Thanks! Revised it to this. Mostly just the changes above and added a line about the car crash I was in a week before the semester started. I don't want it to sound whiny, but I'm getting sued for something like $75,000 right now, which really sucks when I know I didn't cause the crash. But whatever, that's for another place (my personal statement, actually :mrgreen: )
As a member of the Schreyer Honors College at Penn State, I am held to a high standard. Part of this standard is to maintain a 3.33 GPA every semester. Double majoring in accounting and history turned out to be a much harder task than I envisioned when I began my freshman year at Penn State, and I failed to meet this GPA requirement during the 2010-11 academic year. The stress of the car crash and subsequent legal issues which I discussed in my personal statement also overwhelmed me and hurt my academic performance. Because of this I was placed on Warning status within the Honors College. This was a humbling experience for me, and has caused me to focus even harder on my schoolwork. My commitment to studying is manifest in my recent LSAT score of 171, and I am making every effort to ensure that my grades are higher than ever.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby bernaldiaz » Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:32 pm

Looks good! Good luck!

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icecreamwithlsat
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby icecreamwithlsat » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:02 pm

As a member of the Schreyer Honors College at Penn State, I am held to a high standard. Part of this standard is to maintain a 3.33 GPA every semester. Double majoring in accounting and history turned out to be a much harder (use "difficult" instead of "harder") task than I envisioned when I began my freshman year at Penn State, and I failed to meet this GPA requirement during the 2010-11 academic year. The stress of the car crash and subsequent legal issues(insert comma here) which I discussed (use present tense "discuss") in my personal statement also overwhelmed me and hurt my academic performance. Because of this I was placed on Warning status within the Honors College. This was a humbling experience for me, and has caused me to focus even harder (use "more" or "more intensely" instead of "even harder") on my schoolwork. My commitment to studying is manifest in my recent LSAT score of 171, and I am making every effort to ensure that my grades are higher than ever.

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theadvancededit
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby theadvancededit » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:40 pm

As a member of the Schreyer Honors College at Penn State, I am held to a high standard. Part of this standard is to maintain a 3.33 GPA every semester. Double majoring in accounting and history turned out to be a much harder (use "more difficult" instead of "harder") task than I envisioned when I began my freshman year at Penn State, and I failed to meet this GPA requirement during the 2010-11 academic year. The stress of the car crash and subsequent legal issues(insert comma here) which I discussed (use present tense "discuss") in my personal statement also overwhelmed me and hurt my academic performance. Because of this(insert comma) I was placed on "Warning" status within the Honors College. This was a humbling experience for me, and has caused me to focus even harder (use "more" or "more intensely" instead of "even harder") on my schoolwork. My commitment to studying is manifest in my recent LSAT score of 171, and I am making every effort to ensure that my grades are higher than ever.


Just a few more minor things.

iamrobk
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby iamrobk » Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:10 am

Thanks a lot everyone!

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icecreamwithlsat
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Re: Addendum critique, anyone?

Postby icecreamwithlsat » Wed Oct 26, 2011 2:20 am

no problem :)




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