Any help would be greatly appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Any help would be greatly appreciated

Postby ZeffKay » Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:22 pm

I need my statement and all soft creds to be as great as possible with my 164 weighing me down.

*Also happy to return the favor if you want to PM me your's

Thank you to all in advance!!

Last fall, seated outside a meeting room before officially becoming President of Delta Tau Delta Fraternity, a feeling of fear overwhelmed me. I was about to be responsible for the entire chapter and the future of every Delt to follow. Palms sweaty and inches from a breakdown, I took a cool breath and suddenly heard the stern words of a mentor. Jim Ward, a congressional candidate whose campaign I had been a part of, sat me down and said, “never undertake any endeavor unless you are absolutely terrified of failure. That fear will be the motivation for your success.” I did not embrace his wisdom until that moment when I turned the fear into fuel. I walked into my first meeting confident about the year to come.
The act of leading a group has been my most enlightening experience and I understand it as a responsibility to utilize my talents in ways that bring the greatest benefit to the people around me. In the past those individuals have been my teammates, classmates, family or fraternity brothers, but the future will help me benefit society as a whole. Law is the greatest opportunity for me to accomplish that future. Eventually, leadership showed me that the attributes of society are founded in the law and provided me with an understanding of my potential within it, but it also gave me countless points of personal development along the way.
Upon entering Arizona State, I found Delta Tau Delta Fraternity and the Fraternity found me. Just days after gaining full membership, I took on the immense responsibility of Recruitment Chairman. The minimal system in use needed a viable solution. I created a “values based recruitment” style, which ensured that the men brought in would strive towards excellence and maintain the integrity of the Fraternity. Initially, brothers were unhappy with a new kid introducing such change, but this position required me to be in the spotlight and lead men who had been there years before me. Despite the initial push back, the system is still in place today. The creativity, perseverance and organization required to start from scratch and face negativity was a huge strain, but I developed greatly from it. Rather than fear rejections, I view them as vital pieces to every undertaking. Resistance in any group is expected and I have come to adapt to the disagreements and learn from the compromises. This particular lesson would prove to be invaluable when my fraternity asked for an even greater commitment two years later.
I have continued to grow since that first night as President. The fear of failure forced me to learn from each tragedy and victory alike. Evaluating situations from multiple view points and predicting a compromise between large, diverse groups of men became a must. However, the critical decisions often came at a price: the dissatisfaction of many brothers. Too often, the right thing was not necessarily the fun thing, but I stayed true to Delta Tau Delta’s values. I was also forced to view the consequences of member’s actions and evaluate the present situation accordingly. This allowed me to look critically at how my leadership style set the tone to inspire or deter future motivation among my brothers. It was important to recognize what I did as President was only a small part of a long history both before and after my term. Through this experience, I am now capable of managing my time, perceiving consequences, compromising between multiple view points and embracing a fear of failure to use it as energy for success.
Leadership became a large part of my life, but only as a means to the greater end of benefiting those around me. The George Washington University Law School will propel me towards my ultimate goal of aiding society in the best way possible. I see no better place to be instructed on the source of all facets to a civilization, law. My unique skillset gained throughout has left me confident that I will be invaluable at the GW Law School and later in the legal field. I know that my sincere desire to succeed, and more importantly, my fear of failure will propel me to attain great heights.

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Re: Any help would be greatly appreciated

Postby TommyK » Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:34 pm

passive voice is making it a bit less dynamic

you're saying that all these things within your fraternity were immense responsibilities, but you're not showing us. Why were these so challenging? What kinds of things did you face that tell something about you or make you particularly attractive as a prospective student.

You use a lot of words without saying much. Even though I have read the term "values based recruitment", I still have no clue what you mean by that aside from what sounds like meaningless platitudes of focusing on integrity, blah, blah, etc.

"ultimate goal of aiding society in the best way possible?" eh? be specific, bro. If you really want to address the "why" you're going to law school, I would be a bit more direct and specific than just coming off that you think it would help society.

Right now it comes off like you didn't put a ton of thought into the direction of this essay.


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Re: Any help would be greatly appreciated

Postby asoli » Wed Oct 26, 2011 1:18 pm

I feel like this is two different pieces. How will law school allow you to do everything you want and what does your frat leadership have to do with law school? The first bit seems like a character essay and the second is like "p.s. I wanna go to law school." I think you really need to be more specific about your goals in life and have a plan on how to achieve them, with where and how law school fits in being the most prominent part.

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