Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

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b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

Postby b33eazy » Mon Oct 24, 2011 8:24 pm

I always wanted to be an attorney since I was a small boy. I always had a fascination with the law and how it worked. However, I never thought I could be an attorney. I thought I was an idiot who could not achieve anything I wanted. And it stemmed from the abuse I faced. When I was a boy, my father abused me. He had an overarching theme on all of my childhood and parts of my early adulthood. My father would physically and mentally abuse me. The abuse that I endured followed me and it made me feel like I was worthless. There would be times when I look into my father’s eyes and fear consumed me. I would feel like death was steadily approaching. And I felt worthless because I felt that I deserved to be abused because of the “bad” thing that I did. I felt as if I was a punching bag for other people to pound on. So I would remain silent. My father was also never there much, we lived in Queens, New York and he lived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and would visit us only once a week. That was until he moved to Jamaica permanently when I was ten.
The physical abuse would be things with psychological aspects to it. For example, there was a time when I was six years old and a training wheel was broken on my bicycle. I decided I wanted to try to ride the bicycle and my father wanted to help me. I was worried at first because I feared that it would go ire. But I agreed and we started. There was a family friend that was watching us. My father wanted me to ride the bike to him and then back to the family friend. The trip was about 15 feet. I, however, fell when I tried to ride to him. Then he told me to get up and try again but I kept falling and he got angrier. It came to a point where he was just yelling at me to “get up and try again.” Then when I fell for the 15th time and was a little teary eyed because I was so tired of falling. He became silent, went inside the house and came back outside with a belt. Then he came back outside with a belt and told me to ride to the family friend and when I fell again, he hit me with the belt while I was on the ground and told me to try again. That process lasted for at least 20 minutes of him hitting me with the belt as I fell. The whole process was almost two hours of him yelling at me. And when my father was finally tired of me falling, he told me to go inside. That was an example of me feeling like a failure and that I deserved the abuse. I felt worthless.
My father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs. For example, my father told me I was weak when other children bullied me and I should “kick them in the testicles” like my half sister whom I never met. He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was and skipped a grade and asked me “Why aren’t you as smart as Nawanni?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t do as well as she did.
He also added to that emotion because one time my mother made me shrimp in a blanket and I tried it but didn’t like it. So he said I would get a beating if I didn’t finish it and went to another room to watch television. And when he came back and saw just the blankets and he looked under the blankets, and when he saw no shrimp, he laughed and walked away.
That abuse followed me throughout my youth. I was happy when he left our family when I was ten. But the damage was there already. I would allow other children to physical hurt me without doing or saying anything because I felt I “deserved it.” So I was bullied throughout my youth because I was seen as an easy target because I wouldn’t do anything if they abused me. I also did poorly in school academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space. I felt as though I should not be asking questions if I didn’t understand because I was too stupid to understand. And my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. And to a point, I thought they were right because anybody he told me something negative, said it because it was true like my father. So when I was in eight grade, I got left back and felt I should be held back because I was stupid. And when I reached high school, I gave up. The children told me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow.” And they would torment me in gym by making fun of my lack of strength. And the other children would exclude me from activities. So I didn’t bother with anything anymore. I started skipping school because I just felt that I was a waste of time. And that semester, I got straight F’s and got kicked out of school and went to an alternative school. It was a school where violent children went to because they were kicked out because of serious crimes. The school was filled with medal detectors and they would even pat our feet down. So when I went there, I was a sheep with wolves. I was a kid who never thought he had potential in a classrooms with misfits who thought living up to their potential was becoming Tony Montana from Scarface. So while I was there, I got picked on, but at another level, they would sling stapples at me from rubberbands. And after years of abuse, I broke down and cried in front of a classroom filled with violent males, and that made everything worse. I had to withdraw from there. And then I went to get my GED. After I got my GED, my mother told me to enroll in a community college. I thought I may be able to pull out a few C’s to make it to law school. The thing is, I always wanted to be an attorney since I was five years old, but I would never tell people that when I became a teenager because I felt I was too stupid to become an attorney. So I would lie to people and say I wanted to do something else. But when I enrolled in community college I thought I may be able to become an attorney. So I majored in political science. But since I did not do well on my entrance test, I was in two remedial classes. I was in a remedial math class and English class. I also took communications and a fitness class. I ended up failing my math and fitness class because I felt that it would be a waste of time to study for tests because I would only be wasting my time because I can’t get anything higher than a C. The F in remedial math and the F in a fitness class were the last F’s in my academic career because after that point, I sat down and talked to myself. I told myself that other people will no longer control my life. I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted. My abusive father was out of my life for 8 years, yet I still allowed his abuse to over take my life. I was in a state of recovery. I was no longer going to allow my father, or any one else for that matter, to tell me what I can and cannot do. And I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” I realized that I was smart and was not less than my classmates. I could do well in school; I could become more, do more. I decided that I cannot live by constraints and I was the only person who could hold myself back, not anyone else. That semester I had a 1.8 GPA. After that semester, I never made anything less than a 3.0 in a semester. My last four semesters, I have not made anything below a 3.5 and one semester I made a 4.0. I am an intelligent man, and I can stand and even outshine my classmates. I want to go to law school because that was my dream since I was a small child, and I worked my butt off to achieve that dream in my adulthood.
Last edited by b33eazy on Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:51 pm

bump revised:

I always wanted to be an attorney since I was a small boy; I always had a fascination with the law and how it worked. I wanted to be an attorney because I wanted to fight for the people who were not able to do it themselves. However, I never thought I could be an attorney because I couldn't even fight for myself. I was raised to believe I was an idiot, who could not achieve anything I wanted. I always that I was a failure and it was okay to give up. I was never a person who would fight for anything. And it stemmed from the abuse I faced. When I was a boy, my father abused me. He had an overarching theme on all of my childhood and parts of my early adulthood. My father would physically and mentally abuse me. The abuse that I endured followed me and it made me feel as if I was worthless. There would be times when I looked into my father’s eyes and as fear consumed me, I felt death was steadily approaching. I was forced to believe I deserved to be abused because of the “bad” thing that I did. I felt as if I was a punching bag for other people to pound on. So I would remain silent. My father was also never there much, we lived in Queens, New York and he lived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and visited us only once a week. That was until he moved to Jamaica permanently when I was ten.
The physical abuse would be things with psychological aspects to it. For example, there was a time when I was six years old and a training wheel was broken on my bicycle. I decided I wanted to try to ride the bicycle and my father wanted to help me. I was worried at first because I feared that it would go ire. But I agreed and we started. There was a family friend that was watching us. My father wanted me to ride the bike to him and then back to the family friend. The trip was about 15 feet. I, however, fell when I tried to ride to him. Then he told me to get up and try again but I kept falling and he got angrier. It came to a point where he was just yelling at me to “get up and try again.” Then when I fell for the 15th time and was a little teary eyed because I was so tired of falling. He became silent, went inside the house and came back outside with a belt. Then he came back outside with a belt and told me to ride to the family friend and when I fell again, he hit me with the belt while I was on the ground and told me to try again. That process lasted for at least 20 minutes of him hitting me with the belt as I fell. The whole process was almost two hours of him yelling at me. And when my father was finally tired of me falling, he told me to go inside. That was an example of me feeling like a failure and that I deserved the abuse. I felt worthless.
My father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs. For example, my father told me I was weak when other children bullied me and I should “kick them in the testicles” like my half sister whom I had never met. He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was for she had skipped a grade and asked me “Why aren’t you as smart as Nawanni?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as well as she did.
He also added to that emotion because one time my mother made me shrimp in a blanket and I tried it but didn’t like it. So he said I would get a beating if I didn’t finish it and went to another room to watch television. And when he came back and saw just the blankets and he looked under the blankets, and when he saw no shrimp, he laughed and walked away.
That abuse followed me throughout my youth. I was happy when he left our family when I was ten. But the damage was there already. I would allow other children to physically hurt me without doing or saying anything because I felt I “deserved it.” So I was bullied throughout my youth because I was perceived as an easy target because I would not do anything if they abused me. I also did poorly academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space. I believed I should not be asking questions if I did not understand because I was too stupid to understand. And my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. And to a point, I thought they were right because anyone who told me I would fail, I believed them because that’s how my father made me feel as well. So when I was in the eighth grade, I failed and had to repeat it. I believed deserved to fail because I was stupid. And when I reached high school, I gave up. The children told me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow.” And they would torment me in gym by making fun of my lack of strength. And the other children would exclude me from activities. So I didn’t bother trying anymore; I gave up and did not fight for myself. I started skipping school because I believed I was a waste of time. And that semester, I got straight F’s and got kicked out of school and went to an alternative school. It was a school where violent children went because they were kicked out because of serious crimes. The school was filled with medal detectors and they would even pat our feet down. So when I went there, I was a sheep with wolves. I was a kid who never thought he had potential in the classrooms with misfits who thought living up to their potential was becoming Tony Montana from Scarface. So while I was there, I got picked on, but at another level, they would sling staples at me from rubber bands. And after years of abuse, I broke down and cried in front of a classroom filled with violent males, and that made everything worse. I had to withdraw from there. And then I went to get my GED. After I got my GED, my mother told me to enroll in a community college. I thought I might be able to pull out a few C’s to make it to law school. But I still thought it was plausible that I was not smart enough to do it, and if I gave up, it wouldn’t be so bad. The thing is, I always wanted to be an attorney since I was five years old, but I would never tell people that when I became a teenager because I felt I was too stupid to become an attorney. So I would lie to people and say I wanted to do something else. But when I enrolled in community college I thought I might be able to become an attorney. I majored in political science. But since I did not do well on my entrance test, I was in two remedial classes. I was in a remedial math class and English class. I also took communications and a fitness class. I ended up failing my math and fitness class because I felt that it would be a waste of time to study for tests because I would only be wasting my time because I can’t get anything higher than a C. The F in remedial math and the F in a fitness class were the last F’s in my academic career because after that point, I sat down and talked to myself. I told myself that other people will no longer control my life. I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted. My abusive father was out of my life for 8 years, yet I still allowed his abuse to over take my life. I was in a state of recovery; I was ready to fight for myself. I was no longer going to allow my father, or any one else for that matter, to tell me what I can and cannot do. And I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” I realized that I was smart and was not less than my classmates. I could do well in school; I could become more, do more. That’s when I became decided to fight for my passion. I decided that I cannot live by constraints and I was the only person who could hold myself back, not anyone else. That semester I had a 1.8 GPA. After that semester, I never made anything less than a 3.0 in a semester. My last four semesters, I have not made anything below a 3.5 and one semester I made a 4.0. I realized that I could fight for myself and win. I am an intelligent man, and I can stand and even outshine my classmates. I want to go to law school because that was my dream since I was a small child, and I want to fight to achieve that dream. I will be an attorney who will fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, fight for the people who were the same as me. I fought for myself and I am winning, so now it’s time for to fight for others.

sparty99
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby sparty99 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:00 pm

long winded and sounds like you have low self esteem. I didn't read word-for-word, but that's the impression one gets. THis is the opportunity to show your best foot. REWRITE.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:05 pm

The big issue: you need to HEAVILY tone down and reduce the material on your abuse and degradation. Describe it briefly and tactfully in one paragraph. You need to do a lot more to explain how you have succeeded in spite of that / overcome it.

Your PS comes across as far too negative and the lengthy descriptions of the abuse are unnecessary and repetitive.

Still, it is great that you have succeeded from that background, and it could make a good PS if done right.

A lesser issue: don't say you wanted to practice law as a small child. Two problems: (1) a lot of people say that, so it's cliche; (2) the reader just won't believe it - no small children want to be lawyers.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:14 pm

Rewrite:

I always had a fascination with the law and how it worked. However, my father raised me to believe that I was an idiot and a failure and it was okay to give up raised me. I was never a person who would fight for anything. And it stemmed from the abuse I faced by my father who made me feel like I was worthless. My father would physically and mentally abuse me. For example, there was a time when I was six years old and a training wheel was broken on my bicycle. I decided I wanted to try to ride the bicycle around our back yard and my father wanted to help me. My father wanted me to ride the bike to him and then back to the family friend, who was 15 feet away from him. I, however, could not keep my balance so I feel when I tried to ride to my father. He got angry with me and kept just yelling at me to “get up and try again!” made me kept doing it, but I kept falling. Then he got a belt and would hit me with it each time I fell. He did that until he got tired and told me, “I was a failure.”
My father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs. For example, my father told me I was weak when other children bullied me and I should “kick them in the testicles” like my half sister whom I had never met. He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was and said “Why aren’t you as smart as your sister Cindy?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as well as she did.
I did poorly academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space, and my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. I thought I was “slow” or stupid as well due to my father telling me that. My classmates would tell me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow” and would physically hurt me on a daily basis. So, in high school, I stopped going to class and I got straight F’s and flunked out of school. So, afterwards, I pursued and got my GED. Then I enrolled in community college because I wanted to be an attorney. However, due to poor test scores, I was in a remedial math class and English class. I earned the last two F’s in my academic career when I failed a remedial math and fitness class. I sat down and talked to myself, and I told myself that I would no longer allow my abusive father (who I haven’t seen in a decade) to allow me to think I was a failure or couldn’t do well at anything I wanted. And I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted: my passion for the law. I studied hard in my classes and made sure that I set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. And my passion was to become an attorney and I was working hard it. After that semester, I never made anything less than a 3.0 in a semester. My last four semesters, I have not made anything below a 3.5 and one semester I made a 4.0. I realized that I could fight for myself and win. I am an intelligent man, and I can stand and even outshine my classmates. I want to go to law school because that is my passion and I want to fight to achieve it. I will be an attorney who will fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, fight for the people who were the same as me. I fought for myself and I am winning, so now it’s time for to fight for others.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Oct 25, 2011 7:36 pm

I think it's an improvement, but you still need to do more to emphasize the positive. Can you add positive content? Perhaps some kind of interesting, positive anecdote about your success or your new attitude to life, along with or instead of the material about grades. They can see your grades on your transcript, so you shouldn't emphasize them on your PS.

Also, the general advice for this sort of writing is "show, don't tell." You could do that more with the negative material. Perhaps open with a compelling example (that is, by showing), and then briefly summarize the abuse and its effect on you after that.

b33eazy
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Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:53 pm

Third revision:

“You are a worthless piece of sh**.” My father told me that as my fingers muddled together on a bicycle handle bar and as tears flowed down my paltry face. I was six years old and wanted to learn how to ride a bicycle, and my father wanted to help me; he wanted me to ride around my 30-foot backyard. I could not keep my balance, so I kept falling when I tried to ride to my father. He got angry with me and kept just yelling at me to “get up and try again!” made me kept doing it, but I kept falling. Then he got a belt and would hit me with it each time I fell. He gave up and then told me I was “a worthless piece of sh**.” My father raised me to believe that I was a moronic, worthless failure. I was never a person who would fight for anything. And it stemmed from the abuse I faced by my father who made me feel like I was worthless. My father would physically and mentally abuse me.
For example, my father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs. For example, my father told me I was weak when other children bullied me and I should “kick them in the testicles” like my half sister whom I had never met. He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was and said “Why aren’t you as smart as your sister Cindy?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as well as she did.
The abuse caused me to do poor academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space, and my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. My classmates would tell me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow” and would physically hurt me on a daily basis. So, in high school, I stopped going to class and I got straight F’s and flunked out of school. So, afterwards, I pursued and got my GED. Then I enrolled in community college because I wanted to be an attorney. I did poorly my first semester. So after my first semester in college, I sat down and talked to myself, and I told myself that I would no longer allow my abusive father (who I haven’t seen in a decade) to allow me to think I was a failure or couldn’t do well at anything I wanted. And I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted: my passion for the law. My outlook changed. At that point in my life, I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: I wanted to work hard and fight for people without a voice. Whether that is a medical doctor who is fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or a handling a business transaction of a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs. In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student and I work harder than any other student he’s had when he asked his students to read a case brief. And I was one of the few students, who read it, but I was the only student who wrote a 4-page summary of it, so I would have a better understanding of it. I studied hard in my classes and made sure that I set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. And my passion is to become an attorney and I was working hard it. I now thirst for knowledge and radiate intelligence because I grasp for as much information and seek it as much as I can. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception changed. I realized that I could fight for myself and win. I am an intelligent man, and I can stand and even outshine my classmates. For example, a classmate asks me to help her our pre-law class because “I was so smart.” So I would actually help my classmates, and I soon was perceived as “the smart kid” because I did so well on exams and would be active in class. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney. I want to go to law school because that is my passion and I want to fight to achieve it. I will be an attorney who will fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, fight for the people who were the same as me. I fought for myself and I am triumph, so now it’s time for me to fight for others.

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Oct 25, 2011 9:35 pm

Okay, we're making great progress. I think we can move on to some more minor points. I'm assuming there are three paragraphs here.

Paragraph 1:

A) You need to remove the repitition, and think carefully about the order of the sentences after the example.

B) I think you should still tone down some of the negativity a bit. For example, perhaps replace "My father raised me to believe that I was a moronic, worthless failure" With "my father raised me to believe that I would be a failure."

Paragraph 2:

B) The first two sentences begin with "for example." You need to get rid of at least one "for example" - I would get rid of both.

Paragraph 3:

A) This paragraph is too long. It needs to be split into at least two paragraphs. I would start the fourth paragraph with the sentence "In my business law class...".

B) When you start talking about your passion for the law, you need to BEGIN by explaining that because you were unable to fight for yourself as a child, you want to help others unable to fight for themselves. And that needs to follow naturally from your decision to stop letting your father determine your self-perception.

C) Again, there is a general issue with the order of you sentences / ideas in this paragraph. For example, you mention your passion for the law, and then how that led you to work hard to achieve your goal, but then go back to the passion. Reread the paragraph and think carefully about the order of the sentences.

D) The stuff about the business law class is great! Much better than the stuff about your grades in the earlier version. It could still do with some refining though.

I have quite a few grammatical suggestions, but I'll save those for last.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:26 pm

How's this?


“You are a piece of crap.” My father told me that as my fingers muddled together on a bicycle handle bar and as tears flowed down my paltry face. I was six years old and my father wanted to teach me how to ride a bike. I could not keep my balance, so I kept falling. He got angry with me and kept just yelling at me to “get up and try again!” Then he got a belt and would hit me with it each time I fell. He gave up and that’s when he told me my worth to him. My father raised me to believe that I would be a failure and never become anything, so I was the type of person who would never fight for anything. My father made me feel worthless through the physical and mental abuse. My father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs. He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was and said “Why aren’t you as smart as your sister Cindy?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as well as she did.
The abuse caused me to do poor academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space, and my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. My classmates would tell me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow” and would physically hurt me on a daily basis. So, in high school, I stopped going to class and flunked out of school. So, afterwards, I pursued and received my GED. Then I enrolled in community college because I wanted to be an attorney. I did poorly my first semester. So after my first semester in college, I sat down and told myself that I would no longer allow my abusive father (who I haven’t seen in a decade) to allow me to think I was a failure or couldn’t do well at anything I wanted. And I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” My outlook changed. I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted: my passion for the law. My passion to fight derived from being unable to fight for myself; I want to fight for others who are unable to fight or struggle to fight. At that point in my life, I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: fight for people without a voice. Whether that is a medical doctor who is fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or a handling a business transaction of a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs.
In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student and I work harder than any other student he’s had when he asked his students to read a case brief. I was one of the few students, who read it, but I was the only student who wrote a 4-page summary of it, so I would have a better understanding of it. He said I, "went above and beyond what was required" and said I would be "an excellent attorney." I studied hard in my classes and made sure that I set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. I now thirst for knowledge and radiate intelligence because I grasp for as much information and seek it as much as I can. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception changed. I realized that I could fight for myself and win. I am an intelligent man, and I usually outshine my classmates. For example, a classmate asks me to help her in our pre-law class because “I was so smart.” So I would actually help my classmates, and I was perceived as “the smart kid” because I did so well on my exams and would be an active student in class. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney. I want to work hard and fight to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney. I will be an attorney who will fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, fight for the people who were the same as me. I fought for myself and I am triumph, so now it’s time for me to fight for others.
Last edited by b33eazy on Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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TommyK
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby TommyK » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:35 pm

too try-hard for an attention grabbing. Also, swearing when unnecessary will turn some readers off.

The sentence structure is a bit repetitive and simple. I think too many people go the other way, but one of your main points is that you used to feel stupid because you were told so and now you know you are smart enough to go to law school and be a competent attorney. When you're saying this, your writing style shouldn't argue otherwise.

Some awkward phrasing like "The man that was my father", instead of my father.

Too much of the essay is about him, not about you. Obviously his dickish behavior had a huge effect on you, but I think you go into too much detail in certain parts so it just comes off like you're in a therapy session.

Set the groundwork that you came from a challenging household and were a victim of physical and emotional abuse. And how you overcame these and have succeeded in some challenging situations and how you can leverage that previous experience of overcoming adversity and inner strength it has forged to be a strong addition to the class.

Edit: Also, you sat down and talked to yourself. probably not the phrasing you want if you're trying to portray an image of somebody with good mental health.

Edit #2: What caused you to change, to realize that you would start succeeding academically? You just decided? Something is usually the impetus for major revelations.

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AntipodeanPhil
Posts: 1300
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Tue Oct 25, 2011 11:43 pm

Alright, one paragraph at a time:

b33eazy wrote:“You are a worthless piece of sh**.” My father told me that as my fingers muddled together on a bicycle handle bar and as tears flowed down my paltry face.

1. Don't use a period at the end of "sh**" - it makes the following sentence a fragment. Use a comma.
2. "Paltry" means "a small amount" - you need a different word.

b33eazy wrote:I was six years old and my father wanted to teach me how to ride a bike. I could not keep my balance, so I kept falling. He got angry with me and kept just yelling at me to “get up and try again!” made me kept doing it, but I kept falling.

1. Get rid of the "just" in the last sentence.
2. An exclamation point ends a sentence. Add "He" after the exclamation point.

b33eazy wrote:Then he got a belt and would hit me with it each time I fell. He gave up and that’s when he told me my worth to him. My father raised me to believe that I would be a failure and never become anything, so I was the type of person who would never fight for anything.

1. Anything what? Anything worthwhile, perhaps?
2. You need to clarify that it was only as a child that you would never fight for anything - law schools don't want to admit someone like that now!

b33eazy wrote:And it stemmed from the abuse I faced by my father who made me feel like I was worthless. My father would physically and mentally abuse me.

1. Abuse I faced from my father.
2. In formal writing, don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
3. The last sentence seems out of place here. You have already said that your father abused you. Why do you mention it again here?

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AntipodeanPhil
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:00 am

b33eazy wrote:My father would also tell me how I was not as smart as his other children that he had in extramarital affairs.

1. "My father would also tell me that I was not as smart as the children he had through his extramarital affairs"

b33eazy wrote:The man who was my father told me I was weak when other children bullied me and I should “kick them in the testicles” like my half sister whom I had never met.

1. Your father is the subject of the previous sentence - use "He."
2. "And that I should."
3. "Half sister" should be hyphenated.
4. Add a comma or a dash after "sister."

b33eazy wrote:He would gloat about my half sister and tell me how smart she was and said “Why aren’t you as smart as your sister Cindy?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as well as she did.

1. You need more punctuation here. Perhaps "... how smart she was; he said things like..."
2. You need to re-phrase the last part of the second sentence. Perhaps "as she did" or "to the extent she did."

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AntipodeanPhil
Posts: 1300
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Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby AntipodeanPhil » Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:04 am

Oh - you changed it as I was writing my previous reply. That makes some of what I wrote redundant.

I'll have to comment on the last two paragraphs tomorrow.

As the other person mentioned, starting with a swear word is a risk. You might replace it with a nicer word, like "trash," although that also takes a little from the authenticity of the quote.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Wed Oct 26, 2011 12:10 am

Paltry also means worthless that couldn't work?

Revised:



“You are a piece of crap.” My father told me that as my fingers muddled together on a bicycle handle bar and as tears flowed down my paltry face. I was six years old and my father wanted to teach me how to ride a bike. I could not keep my balance, so I kept falling. He got angry with me and kept yelling at me to “get up and try again!” Then he got a belt and would hit me with it each time I fell. He gave up and that’s when he told me my worth to him. My father raised me to believe that I would be a failure and never become anything worthwhile, so, as a child, I would never fight for anything. My father made me feel worthless through the physical and mental abuse. My father would also tell me that I was not as smart as the children he had through his extramarital affairs. He would gloat about my half-sister and tell me how smart she was; my father would say “Why aren’t you as smart as your sister Cindy?” I felt ashamed that I didn’t excel at academics as she did.
The abuse caused me to do poor academically because I felt that I was just a waste of space, and my classmates in grade school added to that by telling me that I was “slow” or mentally handicapped. My classmates would tell me that they don’t even know why I was in class because I was “so slow” and would physically hurt me on a daily basis. So, in high school, I stopped going to class and flunked out of school. So, afterwards, I pursued and received my GED. Then I enrolled in community college because I wanted to be an attorney. I did poorly my first semester, and my mother told me that I am intelligent and should not allow anything to hold me back. So after my first semester in college, I decided that I would no longer allow my abusive father (who I haven’t seen in a decade) to allow me to think I was a failure or couldn’t do well at anything I wanted. I told myself that “just passing” was no longer “good enough.” My outlook changed. I realized that it is up to me to stop giving up and it’s time to fight for what I wanted: my passion for the law. My passion to fight derived from being unable to fight for myself; I want to fight for others who are unable to fight or struggle to fight. At that point in my life, I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: fight for people without a voice. Whether that is a medical doctor who is fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or a handling a business transaction of a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs.
In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student and I work harder than any other student he’s had when he asked his students to read a case brief. I was one of the few students, who read it, but I was the only student who wrote a 4-page summary of it, so I would have a better understanding of it. He said I, "went above and beyond what was required" and said I would be "an excellent attorney." I studied hard in my classes and made sure that I set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. I now thirst for knowledge and radiate intelligence because I grasp for as much information and seek it as much as I can. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception changed. I realized that I could fight for myself and win. I am an intelligent man, and I usually outshine my classmates. For example, a classmate asks me to help her in our pre-law class because “I was so smart.” So I would actually help my classmates, and I was perceived as “the smart kid” because I did so well on my exams and would be an active student in class. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney. I want to work hard and fight to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney. I will be an attorney who will fight for the people who cannot fight for themselves, fight for the people who were the same as me. I fought for myself and I am triumph, so now it’s time for me to fight for others.


Additional info: I got rid of "kick them in the testicles." Do you think that's needed?

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement

Postby b33eazy » Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:27 pm

REWROTE IT:

Unlike most children, I was not afraid to ride my bike without the training wheels because of a scraped knee or bruised ego. I was afraid to ride my bike because of my father and his abusive wrath. During my childhood, I was physically and emotionally abused by my father, which made me feel I had little value. The teasing of my classmates deepened these fears; the combination of these abuses ultimately led me to habitually skip school and eventually fail out of high school. In contrast to this scared boy, I am now a man capable of forging his own way and eager to advocate for others through the law.
After failing out of high school, I came to the realization that I failed because of myself. It was up to me to choose my own destiny, not others. I realized that it was time for me to take control of my life. I decided that I wanted to get a GED and go to college and get a degree to pursue my passion, law. I knew I had to take my education seriously to accomplish that goal, so I would study at least three hours, five days a week. I acquired these skills needed to become a successful student and that allowed me to obtain my GED. Then I enrolled in college after receiving my GED to pursue my bachelor’s degree. I was in search of my voice to become the man who fights for others. I studied hard in my classes and set realistic goals for myself. I would spend long nights studying for my exams because I knew I could excel in anything I wanted. I now thirst for knowledge and seek to learn as much as I can. In addition, I am the type of student who would ask my professors an abundance of questions in my classes. As a matter of fact, all my professors know me by name and remember me as such because of my newly inspired vibrant nature. I’ve done well academically since. My grade point average increased exponentially because my perception changed.
In my business law class, my professor told me I was his brightest student, and I work harder than any other student he’s had. When he asked his students to read a case brief, I was one of the few students who read it, and I was the only student who wrote a 4-page summary of it, so I would have a better understanding of it. His positive feedback reinforced that my new outlook on my life was working for me. It showed me that I am intelligent and capable of being successful. I was an active student and did so well that at times I would help my classmates as well. I overcame the abuse, and I am working so hard to achieve my goal of becoming an attorney.
My passion to fight derived from being unable to fight for myself. I realized that I can fight for myself and win, so I want to fight for others who are unable to fight or struggle to fight. At that point in my life, I realized the reason why I always wanted to be an attorney: fight for people without a voice. I want to fight for them through the law. I want to make fight for people who are incapable of fully understanding the law or are incapable of interpreting the law. The people without a voice or don’t know how to express that voice through the legal environment. Whether that is a medical doctor who is fighting to keep his business due to a malpractice lawsuit or a handling a business transaction of a struggling business seeking to be bought before thousands of workers lose their jobs.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

Postby b33eazy » Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:07 am

EDIT; I also have a resume. I want to submit my personal statement and resume to professor

John Doe Street Address Here City, STATE 99999
(555) 555-5555 my.name@gmail.com

Education

State University GA
Bachelor of Science in Political Science May 2012
● Current GPA: 3.52-GPA in Major: 3.80
● Dean’s list Spring 2011

Community College December 2010
GA
Associates of Arts in Political Science
• Overall GPA: 3.47
• Dean’s list spring 2010, summer 2010, fall 2010


Leadership Experience

Mock Trial 2011-2012
Attorney/Witness
Played an active role in the team and assisted a team for national tournament.
Caribbean Student Association 2011-2012
Secretary
Took notes at the executive meeting and organized meetings for the club and speakers for the meetings. Advertised for the club and brought in more than one hundred members through advertising.
Georgia Highlands Spanish Club 2008-2010
Member
Assisted in gathering members for the club and advertising for the club through making ads and via posters. Assisted in event planning and raising ideas for future meetings and awareness on campus.
Political Science Club 2011-2012
Member
Engaged in active discussions on current issues and implemented ideas to raise awareness for the club on campus. In addition, implemented ideas on advertising.
Georgia College Republicans
Member
Engaged in the club and went to Faith and Freedom conference in Washington, DC in the summer of 2011.

PERSONAL

Artistic and deeply involved in cultural history and also politically involved within community.

EDIT: I have no work experience..

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

Postby sparty99 » Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:47 pm

Don't go to law school. You need to gain work experience.

b33eazy
Posts: 146
Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:43 pm

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

Postby b33eazy » Wed Nov 09, 2011 8:10 pm

Lol, thanks for the inspiration... Anyway, I have worked one summer in 2007. But I usually don't mention that because I worked as a bus boy that summer..

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Need some feedback for personal statement REVISED

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Nov 09, 2011 11:10 pm

My condolences on your rough upbringing, but this essay shows that you still carry quite a bit of baggage. Your first five sentences subliminally show the reader that you see the world in black and white (always, always, never, idiot, it stemmed from the abuse I faced (is that the only thing it stemmed from?).) You have to learn to put down the lens of judgment and see multiple sides of situations. Law schools are looking for people who can see the ambiguity in things.

I always wanted to be an attorney since I was a small boy. I always had a fascination with the law and how it worked. However, I never thought I could be an attorney. I thought I was an idiot who could not achieve anything I wanted. And it stemmed from the abuse I faced.


Beyond that, this writing is anemic.




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