Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Rawlberto
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Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby Rawlberto » Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:48 am

This is my second draft. Totally hate my final paragraph, any suggestions would be appreciated. Also if you critique I will of course yours in kind


Growing up in XXXX, a small farming town in XXXX presented my family and I with challenges that have had a large impact on my decision to pursue a legal education. Due to the absence of my father in our lives my mother supported my sister and I by working in the fields. Due to my mother being an undocumented worker she would often find herself not receiving a paycheck for her difficult labor. As routine as these experiences would become my mother never allowed herself to reveal the strain this caused her though. She was steadfast in her determination to teach by example that “la cosa es que segir adelante” (the thing is to keep moving forward), a phrase that personal experience has morphed into a valuable principle in my life. My mother’s statement has served as a mantra of determination that has helped me pursue my goals through setbacks and difficulties. The phrase stuck with me as I worked long hours pursuing and financing my education. It gave me the strength to keep moving forward after the loss of my grandparents.
I vividly recall sitting with my mother in a stream of different law offices as I translated my mother’s situation to lawyers with awkward and nervous English. The moment I revealed that my mother was undocumented the prospective lawyers would immediately become apathetic and overcome with urgency for us to leave. The shame that sat in the pit of our stomachs as we were brushed off is a sensation I will never forget. My mother not being paid and our subsequent inability to find legal representation in retrospect began to instill in me an interest in law. While I did experience an absence of a path for recourse, I did understand that it existed. Though the lawyers we met with were not interested in assisting it did impart in me that the law could be a force for change.
Though there were numerous setbacks due to the legal status of my mother, we always seemed to find a way to keep moving forward. Despite the discrimination my mother routinely faced she pursued becoming a legal U.S. resident so that my sister and I would have greater opportunities. Nonetheless, we still lived in a community that was largely composed of undocumented workers who were not as fortunate due to the high cost of the legalization process. The experiences of our neighbors continued to serve as a reminder of the gravity of the distinction between “legal have and have nots.” It was not uncommon to have our community life be wrapped in a thick sense of dread as news trickled of neighbor’s workplaces being raided by I.C.E. Agents. Friends could easily find themselves living with neighbors due to deportation proceedings or preparing to return to their country of origin to be again with family. The fabric of our community was a mercurial reality where a person’s presence within it was closer to transient than permanent.
On the precipice of beginning what I hope will be a long legal career I do not view my chosen profession as a panacea for societal failings. Through my limited opportunities from volunteer and advocacy work I’m cognizant that the legal field is not the only way in which to create a positive change for people that continue to face the challenges my family has. I know there will be challenges ahead but I know I can always draw upon my mother’s phrase to remind me that the important thing is to keep moving forward.

houng89
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Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:06 am

Re: Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby houng89 » Mon Oct 24, 2011 2:36 am

very well written if english is ur second language you put me to shame...

very strong and compelling ps the only thing i would change is that perhaps you should elaborate on an example of you putting your mantra isto practice besides the loss of ur grandparents, i am im no way trying to trivialize ur loss but everyone has lost grandparents, how does this make u distinctive to everyone else? everyone goes on after their grandparents die, many succeed too, so what is perhaps another situation where u exemplified this mantra to keep moving forward?

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Rawlberto
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Re: Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby Rawlberto » Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:43 pm

Thanks Houng! Any other suggestions guys?

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Klaus Von Murder
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Re: Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby Klaus Von Murder » Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:24 pm

My advice would be either cut out the line of your grandparents or expand on it. As of now it seems like a throwaway line and doesn't really relate to the rest of the work.

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Rawlberto
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Re: Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby Rawlberto » Tue Oct 25, 2011 1:19 am

No I completely agree. Basically I grew up with my grandparents so their loss was akin to losing my parents, but I do see the problem with it. Thank You for the help.

janeE
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Re: Personal Statement 2.0 - Now it's personal

Postby janeE » Tue Oct 25, 2011 4:53 am

"Growing up in XXXX, a small farming town in XXXX presented my family and I with challenges that have had a large impact on my decision to pursue a legal education." - should be " presented my family and me", although I think just "my family" would probably suffice.

" Due to the absence of my father in our lives my mother supported my sister and I by working in the fields." - once again shoud be "my sister and me".

"Through my limited opportunities from volunteer and advocacy work I’m cognizant that the legal field is not the only way in which to create a positive change for people that continue to face the challenges my family has. " - it should be " to create a positive change for people who continue".

"I know there will be challenges ahead but I know I can always draw upon my mother’s phrase to remind me that the important thing is to keep moving forward." You need to have a comma before "but" in this sentence.

I liked your personal statement alot. Great story and enjoyed reading it. I just wanted to give you a heads up on those minor grammar mistakes I saw.




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