Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:19 pm

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Last edited by hindijs1 on Tue Oct 29, 2013 3:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

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S-IV
Posts: 90
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:48 pm

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby S-IV » Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:56 pm

"Today, 3 years later, we own and manage 3 gas stations here in South Florida." I would omit "here"

In your conclusion, it makes sense to reassure the readers that you'll be a dedicated student, but you're putting a doubt into the readers' minds that they may have not previously had. While reading, I was so caught up in the story that I hadn't even considered that issue. However, I may have not been as critical as an admissions officer might be. You might articulate your dedication in a way that doesn't mention any opposing doubt.

Anyways, awesome theme obviously. lol. Good luck!

hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:52 am

You are correct! I fixed that . Thanks for your input!

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby thederangedwang » Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:56 am

Is this ps a joke?

hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:14 am

Can you explain why you say this?

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby thederangedwang » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:18 am

Because it is really really bad, juvenile, and poorly written to be blunt.

"At the adolescent age of 16, I was what many would consider a “computer geek.” My geeky goal at the time was to save enough money to buy a new computer with a breathtaking Pentium 4 processor."

that's one hell of an introduction.


Also, count how many exclamation points you use....

pardon me if I am being excessively mean, but it is just really really not good, imho.

There are a lot of issues with it...a lot...

hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:25 am

Thanks for being honest. Kinda sucks, thought i had something going..Maybe one more input from someone else please.

powerscore
Posts: 28
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:14 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby powerscore » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:50 am

Honestly, I think you have a good idea, something that is different than most personal statements I have seen. However, I would highly reconsider the way you wrote it, try and be more professional, don't use numbers such as 3, 23, write numbers out. I know that the personal statement is meant to be personal, but that doesn't mean informal. I would take a look at the TLS book on that, it is very helpful. Good luck

hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:59 am

Thank you very much powerscore.

SnoDog
Posts: 48
Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:19 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby SnoDog » Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:20 am

I really liked how your enthusiasm came across as I read your PS, but I agree with the others on things such as the exclamation mark - Maybe tone it down just a bit.

I also think you can really improve your PS by writing a stronger conclusion... Maybe something that wraps up the whole essay better, or maybe rewrite what you're stating in a less direct format instead of: "I want to go to law school because ____ and I think I can do well because ____". Try writing statements that infers that rather than answering it like a Q&A.


My $0.02, good luck, hope this helps!

hindijs1
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:17 am

Re: Please critique.. Need to submit soon!

Postby hindijs1 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 3:36 am

Thanks snodog. Thats a good idea about the coclusion. I will fix it up tommorow and hopefully have it polished by the week end.




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