Taken down

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
omega918
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Taken down

Postby omega918 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 6:35 pm

Thanks for the help.
Last edited by omega918 on Tue Nov 08, 2011 2:46 pm, edited 5 times in total.

jessie
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:13 am

Re: PS Draft--all critiques welcome

Postby jessie » Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:45 pm

Specific:

The first sentence is very awkward. I think it's because you're stating that you're "rushing to finish" and "looking at your watch" simultaneously, which contradicts itself because if you're looking at your watch you are not, at that very moment, rushing to finish. A less awkward phrasing might be "I was rushing to ... pyramid". "I glanced at my watch and released an exhausted sigh ..."

Your sentences are very long and a little comma happy. Although there aren't too many misplaced commas, some of your longer sentences could benefit from being broken up to make them easier to read. Otherwise you start to run the risk of losing your reader.

General (keep in mind with these comments that I am not experienced with writing personal statements as I have just started writing my own).

I think the topic is a good one. You show that you have a lot of real-life experience, but I think it could use some specifics to grab the reader. You mentioned positive impacts you made as a teacher. Some specifics there could make you stand out. You talk about starting to feel resentment at auditions. Maybe you could reference a specific audition where you realized it was no longer where you wanted to be.

I also think you need to better show how you made the transition from actor to "I want to be a lawyer". I think you explain well why you no longer want to be an actor. But you don't really show how being a lawyer fits into your new life view.

omega918
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Re: PS Draft--all critiques welcome

Postby omega918 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:42 pm

Thanks for the feedback jessie. I definitely see what you're saying, and appreciate the insight. I am going to go back in and rework it a bit to get a bit more focus, and add those specifics that I left out. Might even play with working these ideas into an overall bigger picture story that might sum it all up better.

omega918
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Re: PS Draft Revised--please critique

Postby omega918 » Tue Oct 25, 2011 5:13 pm

bump for the rewrite

omega918
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Re: PS Draft Revised--please critique

Postby omega918 » Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:03 pm

Last bump. Any thoughts?

omega918
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:07 pm

Re: PS 3rd re-write, please critique

Postby omega918 » Fri Nov 04, 2011 3:03 pm

Bumping for a major re-write. If you want me to read through your PS PM it to me




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