Opinions on my PS

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longhorns89
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Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:37 pm

Opinions on my PS

Postby longhorns89 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 1:32 am

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Last edited by longhorns89 on Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

houng89
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby houng89 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 1:55 am

i am all for talking about leadership in fraternities, that may very well be a good PS topic. this issue though sounds purely accounting based and not a very substantial issue. it almost seems trivial. okay yea u passed a measure to help ur bros. you are applying to law school, you need to show you've grown up and succeeded outside the comforts of college and ur frat.

also the purely linear feel of the story makes it quite dull to read.

longhorns89
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Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:37 pm

Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby longhorns89 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:14 pm

Thanks for the input. It lets me know that maybe I didn't make the situation seem as serious as it actually was, although coming up with over $10,500 does seem like a big deal to me on its own. What about putting something in the intro like

"...to notify us that the chapter owes $10,575 to make up for the rent lost on those open spaces. The letter we received expressed the Housing Director’s disappointment in our chapter and implied that the national office would not hesitate to take away our new multi-million dollar house should the chapter regularly fail to fill the house. The Executive Board searched..."

Ad comms will see on my resume the various leadership positions I have held, and I believe that is the strongest part of my resume. With the personal statement, I want to supplement the resume with an example of what I have done in those positions and why the fraternity has elected me to a position for 6 out of 7 semesters as an active. With this particular story, I want to show that I can rationally analyze things and can present arguments that actually persuade people to see things my way, even if they initially felt the opposite. These skills seem to me useful for a lawyer to possess. I simplified the story to save on space, though, so maybe I can throw in some things, other than the risk of destroying the chapter by losing our new house (already in now). Some examples (ideas, not actual phrasing):
At our initial meeting, many of the board members simply shouted ideas for cutting the budget and doing other things without really thinking through anything. I ensured that none of these ideas would pass by redirecting the discussion to be more constructive and laying out my goals for formulating a plan. I was the rational and mature leader and showed it.

We already faced a small budget deficit since we lost many more pledges than expected. This just makes the situation more serious.

One of the four guys who have to pay the big fine lost his father while all this happened. I genuinely felt horrible about having to tell him about this when he returned to school. This is an example of having to balance the need to assert leadership yet still be a brother.

Think about the pressure of standing up at the meeting of over 60 people to present this plan. I knew it would be unpopular at first, but faced harsher criticism than I expected. Before I gave the amounts, one guy threatened to drop no matter how small the fee since he had already fulfilled his obligation. Others felt the same way, although maybe would have acted less extreme. But after a lot of discussion over the next week, I convinced these same people to pass my plan almost unanimously.

Let me know if any of these ideas sound like they might strengthen the story. I'm already at the page limit of 2 pages though. And thanks again for any input you might have. It really does help to have someone not already familiar with the situation review the essay.

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174
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby 174 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 2:16 pm

Doesn't explain why you want to go to law school.

horrorbusiness
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby horrorbusiness » Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:38 pm

houng89 wrote:i am all for talking about leadership in fraternities, that may very well be a good PS topic. this issue though sounds purely accounting based and not a very substantial issue. it almost seems trivial. okay yea u passed a measure to help ur bros. you are applying to law school, you need to show you've grown up and succeeded outside the comforts of college and ur frat.

also the purely linear feel of the story makes it quite dull to read.


i'm afraid i agree with just about everything this guy says.

this essay is so incredibly narrow. it doesn't even start off with a more general/interesting introduction. you just jump right into the dry, factual account.

fraternity Executive Board faced possibly the most difficult problem of its yearlong term.


oh no, POSSIBLY the most difficult problem of the entire YEAR? for a FRATERNITY which is a non-essential voluntary organization anyway?? i get that you committed to your fraternity, but to the reader, you must realize how LOW the stakes are in this situation, seriously. people are writing about things like losing relatives, cool internships, foreign experiences, etc. this is about leadership issues in a voluntary organization (and the type of org that, TBH, is for kids with at least some money and free time).

i do, however, think this entire ps could be condensed to a very strong PARAGRAPH in a PS. it would be great evidence of your leadership abilities, maturity (if you're careful, it's still a fraternity after all), and fiscal responsibility. but i want to see a fuller picture of you, your personality, why you want to go to law school, just SOMETHING more than this. as the other poster said, it's just too much info with not enough payoff.

you do write well though, and very concisely. i think this is a solid start, just dig up some more interesting/valuable content.

PS: not fraternity-bashing, i was in one too. i get what you were going through completely.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:49 pm

Although well written & edited,this essay could be titled "Much Ado About Nothing".

What is a "nuanced" budget crisis ?

DELETE: "such" before analytical in the final sentence.

longhorns89
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby longhorns89 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:15 pm

Edit: This draft was shit.
Last edited by longhorns89 on Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

longhorns89
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby longhorns89 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:21 pm

Bump. Does the new version fit the story in a better context?

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174
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Re: Opinions on my PS

Postby 174 » Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:29 pm

174 wrote:Doesn't explain why you want to go to law school.




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