DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

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salsahips
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DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:36 pm

newer version below
Last edited by salsahips on Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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laxbrah420
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby laxbrah420 » Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:51 pm

I liked this, it's well written and answers the question quite directly. But I take the premise as bullshit. Essentially, you've written, "the diversity of miami taught me not to be a total bigot". If you can convince me that you would be a totally worse person had you grown up in a more homogenous community I think you'd have a stronger message

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:00 am

Thanks,

It sucks that you took it the way you did cause it wasn't where I was trying to go with it. I was trying to say something along the lines of "I've been around so much diversity that I diversity isn't something "different" to me" then I have some examples of how that would benefit me in law schools (implicit not explicitly stated). Did I get that message across at all?

I get a little confused writing DS's cause I never want to come out directly and say "I am diverse because..." I don't want to use the word diverse at all if possible.

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laxbrah420
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:35 am

salsahips wrote: Miami has shown me that people of all colors, of all races, and of all nationalities, have identical aspirations and pursuits – making a better life for themselves and providing the chance for better opportunities for their children.

Yea and that's clear --and it's a good message. The above quoted I find preposterous though --you shouldnt need to experience diversity to accept that other people are good and driven

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:42 am

Thanks again,

btw, regarding my not wanting to use the word "diversity" I rewrote my first sentence. This is the new one, what do you think:

"I was lucky enough to be born and raised in one of the great crossroads of cultures. Miami, a literal potpourri with the largest percentage of foreign born residents of any metropolitan area in the country, has been the source of my rich upbringing."


Even if it isn't the greatest, I think its better than what I had before.

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sumtimesuwonder
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby sumtimesuwonder » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:44 am

I think the statement is well written, but I agree with laxbrah420. I feel like you should frame it more toward how the diversity has better prepared you to be lawyer, versus how it is motivated you toward new heights. Basically it just needs a touch of direction toward how prepared you are to enter a career in law based on your diverse upbringing.

horrorbusiness
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:49 am

I was placed in the ESOL program for children with English as a second language since I was more proficient in Spanish than in English.


kind of an ugly sentence, rewrite.

I made friends that exposed me to new smells, tastes, and ideas.


this made me chuckle, sounds a bit off.

The hallways of almost any school in Miami would seem like a mini-United Nations.


??? we don't care about just ANY school in Miami..

I learned that seemingly subtle differences even within a single language were not so subtle when I endowed a Cuban compliment, but a Colombian pejorative, to a Colombian friend. The insult was laughed away, but the experience taught me from an early age that people were simply different, and I always took that as a given. I became comfortable with what was unknown and different which has made it easy to understand and communicate effectively with people from varied cultural backgrounds.


you could give stronger evidence for the last sentence. it's also really long.

There is something inherent to the immigrant perspective that stimulates drive and motivation, my experience is no different. As a young boy, I asked my grandmother why she decided to immigrate to the United States with my mother, she answered succinctly, “We came here for you.” Only through time did I come to understand what she meant. Opportunity was a rare commodity in Castro’s Cuba, and I have always seen opportunity as a gift, not an entitlement. The idea that my family decided to uproot itself and start a new life has always been my inspiration to take advantage of the opportunity they have laid before me. I have always seen myself as the next step in a generational process that embodies American prosperity and there are very few things which could inspire me more.


this is the best paragraph of the PS. I wish your PS was more on this topic.

One can see Ferraris speeding past run-down neighborhoods on any given day, a scene that always made me wonder how and why such disparity exists, a scene that instilled in me a sense of obligation to society, particularly to the down trodden and defenseless.


so if someone asked you why you have an obligation to society, it's specifically because of ferraris you saw in slums?? might wanna adjust this sentence.

Whenever I travelled throughout the country, visiting any small homogenous community, I would feel as if something was missing. I simply feel more comfortable around people with varying ethnic, national, and racial backgrounds because it’s what I know.


Are you forgetting why law schools care about diversity in the first place?? This is sounding a little self-interested..

It is what weaves my community into the multi-cultural fabric it is and what inspires me to not only achieve my goals, but to aim high.


how does the last part logically follow??

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laxbrah420
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:52 am

salsahips wrote:Thanks again,

btw, regarding my not wanting to use the word "diversity" I rewrote my first sentence. This is the new one, what do you think:

"I was lucky enough to be born and raised in one of the great crossroads of cultures. Miami, a literal potpourri with the largest percentage of foreign born residents of any metropolitan area in the country, has been the source of my rich upbringing."


Even if it isn't the greatest, I think its better than what I had before.

It is better. But drop the word literal please.

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:19 am

removed for editing
Last edited by salsahips on Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:41 am

Btw horrorbusiness, I don't know if you wrote it accidentally, but this is a DS draft. I know there are some differences with respect to approach b/w a PS and DS so I wasn't sure whether you were looking at it as a DS.

And thanks for the thorough advice. Any thoughts on the edit?

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laxbrah420
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:43 am

I'd combine the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs like this:
In first grade, I was placed in an English as a second language program since Spanish was my native tongue. I met other children from all over the world, all with unique backgrounds. Whenever I would go to a friend’s house, I would be exposed to different customs and perspectives (and foods). Even after matriculating into the general program, my classmates remained multicultural. The hallways were like a mini-United Nations. I learned that seemingly subtle differences even within a single language were not so subtle when I endowed a Cuban compliment, but a Colombian pejorative, to a Colombian friend. The insult was laughed away, but the experience taught me from an early age that people were simply different, and I always took that as a given. I became comfortable with what was unfamiliar, which has made it easy to understand and communicate effectively with people from varied cultural backgrounds.

As you have it, those paragraphs dont transition very well. I'm not sure my edit is the best, but I think it's an improvement

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:10 am

Yea I was not feeling too comfortable with that transition. Thanks.

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salsahips
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Re: DS -- 2nd draft, need all the help I can get

Postby salsahips » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:35 pm

any last thoughts before I take it down?




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