Critique Last Paragraph

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
stingray
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2011 6:37 pm

Critique Last Paragraph

Postby stingray » Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:38 pm

Thanks for the comments everyone. Obviously needs to be reworked. Will repost an updated version later.
Last edited by stingray on Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

horrorbusiness
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:44 am

Not a very good or interesting ending, IMO. I'm guessing no one replied because it's pretty annoying you only posted the last paragraph. How can we judge without the rest?

But I'll give you my thoughts.

I believe that --------- offers a curriculum that is unique to my interests.


What interests? Legal history? That's the only school that has legal history??

Programs like the Legal Research and Writing Program are especially appealing, teaching a skill set that seems imperative to any great lawyer


it SEEMS that way? this is not too insightful

With the added distinction of having a curriculum that can also be tailored to my interests in legal history, -------- is my first choice in law schools.


you're not very convincing that you absolutely want to go to this school

a sense of purpose—a genuine desire to develop a deep and fundamental understanding of law


just a second ago wasn't your goal to be an excellent lawyer?

User avatar
laxbrah420
Posts: 2748
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:53 am

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:54 am

It reads like you took sentences from 3 different essays and then just put them together. You never elaborate on any point and in certain cases you contradict yourself

User avatar
stingray
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2011 6:37 pm

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby stingray » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:03 am

I was reluctant to post the entire PS for privacy reasons, but thanks for the critique anyway. Some of the issues that you you brought up are addressed in the PS. The legal history reference is to the fact that this is one of the few schools that has a legitimate legal history program.
I suppose that I agree about the word "seems" not being very insightful. I have an undergraduate in History, and I don't presume to know what makes a good lawyer. Ask me after I work in the profession for 20 years. I thought that coming right out and saying that a legal writing and research program is essential to becoming a good lawyer for reasons x, y, and z, would give the committee the impression that I'm a know-it-all with established ideas of what constitutes a good legal education. To be honest I have no idea, but it does seem like it would be pretty helpful. :)
Point taken though, I may leave that part completely out and replace with something else.

Anyone else want to take a look?

User avatar
stingray
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2011 6:37 pm

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby stingray » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:07 am

laxbrah420 wrote:It reads like you took sentences from 3 different essays and then just put them together. You never elaborate on any point and in certain cases you contradict yourself


Thanks! The issues of work ethic and interest in legal history are both mentioned previously in the PS, so they are not being introduced for the first time in this paragraph.

In your view, what are the contradictions?

User avatar
laxbrah420
Posts: 2748
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:53 am

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:15 am

contradict might be too strong, it's just a little bit awkward.
"I want to be an excellent lawyer"
argument: "You have appealing programs that suit me well and seem like they're necessary for becoming a great lawyer. Also, you have a program that matches my sincere interests, but that's less important than my desire to be excellent. That's why I want to go to your school more than any other school"

User avatar
stingray
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2011 6:37 pm

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby stingray » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:23 am

I guess I didn't do a good job of communicating in the paragraph. This is what I was trying to say:

I have an interest in legal history. I've told you about my interest in legal history, and how it prompted me to return to school and finish my undergraduate degree. But while I have a great deal of interest in legal history, being a legal historian is not my primary goal. I want to be a good lawyer. Your school can make me a good lawyer. For instance, your legal research and writing program is something that could help me attain that goal. Developing those skills seems to pretty important to be a good lawyer. But your school not only has a curriculum that will make me a good lawyer--you actually have a legal history program too! It's like icing on the cake! That's why it is my first choice in law schools.

Laxbrah: Just read your post after typing all of this. That is a better way of saying it. Thanks!!!

User avatar
laxbrah420
Posts: 2748
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:53 am

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:43 am

dude i was pointing that out because it's not that solid of an argument not because i think you should use that structure :shock:

User avatar
stingray
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2011 6:37 pm

Re: Critique Last Paragraph

Postby stingray » Thu Oct 20, 2011 3:05 am

I guess I sort of glazed over it. :oops: In any case, your rewording of my poorly structured argument sounds better than mine. Thanks for the comments everyone.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.