PS take a look and critque heavily

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bowenmw
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:25 pm

PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby bowenmw » Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:30 pm

Im new to the board and have been reading the critques people have been getting on their personal statements. The comments seem very helpful. Please read the 1st rough draft of my PS and rip to shreds if need be.. Thanks.


My life went from blank stares and confusion to self-discovery and evolution. When crisis happens, I knew I had to stand up lead. She was weak, so I had to be strong. Viewing how this disease can change someone. This journey has led me to where I am today, with the possibility of where I can be tomorrow. Henry David Thoreau once said “not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” If it wasn’t for being lost, I wouldn’t have found what I believe it takes to succeed at Cleveland-Marshall Law School. From the tribulations at home, a clear path has been paved and I have unraveled what’s important to me.
At the age of 20 years old, I was a junior at Miami of Ohio University in Oxford, Ohio. I decided to concentrate in history and political science because political institutions, especially the Local County and city politics in Northeast Ohio interested me and would provide an invaluable education that predicated my anticipated study in the field of Public Law. My life seemed to be on the normal track of your average college kid. However, nothing could prepare me for the call I received on that day. My mother told me she had been diagnosed with cancer. I could hear the fear and hurt in her voice. I was 5 hours away from the only family member I truly cared about and she needed me more than ever. As time progressed and tears of sorrow accumulated, I felt a sense of hopelessness every time I rested my eyes. I knew I had to continue to pursue my education because it was the only way I can get to be where I wanted to. The goal of attending Cleveland-Marshall was the light at the end of my tunnel. As I was preparing to start my final semester of college, my mother had a nervous breakdown from the stress of having cancer. I struggled through my final semester of college worrying about all of the uncertainty in my life. With my goal of attending Cleveland –Marshall still insight, I pushed on with an infatuation for my goals. As my mother’s health continued to improve, I wanted to spend more time on achieving my goals. The sickness of my mother brought about a sense of reality that tomorrow is not promised and I should focus on improving myself and the environment around me. Fortunately, I knew that the field of law was a hands-on way to see real progress into the society I was looking to improve. Attending Cleveland-Marshall was the beginning of this journey.
As I began this process, I had to be honest with myself and realize my mother’s sickness had a negative effect on my academic performance at times. But like any good attorney, I knew I had to find a way to prevail even when obstacles are put in front of you. I knew valuable work experience would provide me with the tools to put myself in a better place to achieve my goals. My attraction to Cleveland-Marshall Law School ties back to my infatuation with local Northeast Ohio politics. The political prowess of Cleveland-Marshall’s esteemed alumni and the opportunity to foster relationships and gain the same legal education as some of the county’s (and country’s) most prominent political leaders drives my desire for admittance. The teaching processes of municipal law and the proven legal success with the education acquired at Cleveland-Marshall is unmatched. This is why I had an immediate interest in fostering political relationships of my own and gaining full-time employment in the political realm. As I continue my political career, I believe now is the time to challenge and expand my personal resume.
After studying public law and coping with my mother illness for some time now in a surreal sense, my life is a paradigm to the field of law. Law is constructed by the individual to improve human society so it will be a better place for the individuals within it. Improvements to our society occur when lawyers with specializations come together and create the profession of law. The sickness of my mother led me to go through the process of recognizing the improvements that could be made within. During my time working with public law, the complex web of guidelines I studied fascinated me. I live by these guidelines everyday with certain life or death situations pending on the rulings based off of these laws with minimal understanding. As I evolve into adulthood, I understand the importance of many of these laws but don’t know their detailed meaning. My desire is to move past the cursory understanding of why things are a certain way and get into the details ultimately know the law behind them. When this occurs, I can than truly begin to make progress in improving the society around me and make improvements to myself. During my work, I came across the term praxis which is defined as the responsibility of each citizen to serve justice and contribute to society. Government is the number one representation of society and the citizens within it. My belief is that my representations for government agencies in the field of law will contribute to my societal demands by providing justice to the actors within it. Though justice is not easily served, I intend to my leave impression.

LisaLaw
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:18 pm

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby LisaLaw » Tue Oct 18, 2011 10:30 pm

The underlying story is touching and I really like all the specifics about the school you want to attend.

The quote seems unnecessary since you don't refer back to it or connect it to your essay after the first couple of sentences. While you talk a lot about your mom I was left with very little information about you and why you are unique.

GL

bowenmw
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:25 pm

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby bowenmw » Tue Oct 18, 2011 11:41 pm

The underlying story is touching and I really like all the specifics about the school you want to attend.

The quote seems unnecessary since you don't refer back to it or connect it to your essay after the first couple of sentences. While you talk a lot about your mom I was left with very little information about you and why you are unique.

GL


Thanks alot, looking back I agree and will make more edits. I appreciate it.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:16 am

Your personal statement needs to be revised. There are almost a dozen careless errors (e.g., first paragraph "...I had to stand up lead") that should be corrected after a careful reading. Additionally, you need to rethink some of your assertions. For example, the second sentence of the last paragraph is incorrect.
If this is a hastily written early draft, then you have some decent material with which to work; but, if you have spent a substantial amount of time thinking about your assertions set forth in this essay, then you are misinformed.

P.S. "...my life is a paradigm to the field of law" is a ridiculous & unsubstantiated statement followed by an equally foolish claim that "Law is constructed by the individual...".

P.P.S. Several of your statements in this writing are poorly thought-out.

bowenmw
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:25 pm

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby bowenmw » Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:05 pm

Your personal statement needs to be revised. There are almost a dozen careless errors (e.g., first paragraph "...I had to stand up lead") that should be corrected after a careful reading. Additionally, you need to rethink some of your assertions. For example, the second sentence of the last paragraph is incorrect.
If this is a hastily written early draft, then you have some decent material with which to work; but, if you have spent a substantial amount of time thinking about your assertions set forth in this essay, then you are misinformed.

P.S. "...my life is a paradigm to the field of law" is a ridiculous & unsubstantiated statement followed by an equally foolish claim that "Law is constructed by the individual...".

P.P.S. Several of your statements in this writing are poorly thought-out.


This is a statement I have worked on for less than a month. I just wanted to get some general feedback and I think your feedback was helpful. I think I tried to hard to make an impact instead of just clearly talking. What are your thoughts on teh conclusion minus the first two sentences?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:18 pm

The third sentence of your final paragraph does not make sense. Unfortunately, most of the final paragraph does not make sense.

"Government is the number one representation of society & the citizens within it." This is another example of a poorly constructed & poorly thought-out sentence.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13910
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: PS take a look and critque heavily

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:30 pm

Almost every sentence in this essay needs to be re-written. I see verb/subject disagreement, run-on sentences, sentence fragments, tense inconsistencies, missing words, and stuff that just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. (One particularly egregious example: After studying public law and coping with my mother illness for some time now in a surreal sense, my life is a paradigm to the field of law. Wut??) Even many sentences that are technically correct are awkwardly worded.

Aside from that, a lot of this reads more like an addendum to explain bad grades (my mom got sick; it was hard; my grades suffered) than a statement about yourself as a person.

If you are still at school, I would suggest getting some one-on-one help from your school's writing center. This needs a lot of work.




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