DS help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Cookie2
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:18 pm

DS help

Postby Cookie2 » Tue Oct 18, 2011 4:07 pm

Hey everyone! This is a VERY rough draft of my DS. I just want to make sure that this is the right direction before I spend anymore time on it. Constructive criticism is very welcome. Thanks

Taken down for editing
Last edited by Cookie2 on Mon Oct 24, 2011 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

Master Tofu
Posts: 235
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:43 pm

Re: DS help

Postby Master Tofu » Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:36 am

I would do more work on the "struggles" and how you came to "realize". Not trying to write off your experiences, but this is less unique than you think. You gotta sell it better.

horrorbusiness
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: DS help

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:50 am

Cookie2 wrote:Hey everyone! This is a VERY rough draft of my DS. I just want to make sure that this is the right direction before I spend anymore time on it. Constructive criticism is very welcome. Thanks


Where I grew up in New Jersey, I was accustomed to being the only black student in my class. My elementary school had five black children, split across several different classes. My high school was larger than my elementary and middle schools, however I was still almost always the only black student in the class. My high school was also a very diverse school, with students from a wide variety of ethnic and religious backgrounds. Interacting with these students exposed me to many different cultures. I have gone to bat mitzvahs and celebrated Hanukkah with Jewish friends. I learned about Ramadan from Muslim friends.

The trade-off to growing up in this environment was that I did grow up surrounded by other black children. Most of my friends were white. Consequently, I have never fit into the stereotypes held by the black community. I spoke and dressed differently. I listened to different music. Its interesting that the first people to point out that I did not fit into the stereotypical mold of a black female were black themselves. I learned at an early age that being black was more than just a matter of skin color, and I often get the same reaction to this day. I’m told that I am different, that I don’t quite sound or act the same. The most common and most hurtful comment is that I am not “black” enough. This type of comment has always made me feel as if I face discrimination from all sides. If I am black, but not black enough, where does that leave me? I struggled to figure out where I fit in and to connect the gap between my culture and my individuality.

This distance was connected when I realized that nobody I knew perfectly fit into what stereotypes said they should be. I am lucky that I have been exposed to so many different cultures. I have learned what it means to be black from my family and I have learned about bat mitzvahs or Ramadan from my environment growing up. Exposure to different cultures has given me a wider worldview than those who expect people to fall into neat categories. I am so much more than just a black female. I am a female who loves to read, cook, listen to a wide variety of music, and who is also black. I am the sum of my parts and cannot be defined by any single aspect alone.

My struggles in defining how I fit into my culture give me an appreciation of true diversity. The purpose of having a diverse environment is to break stereotypes. I do not fit into a mold, but no one else is a perfect fit either.



you mean MORE than the sum of your parts? I don't think you tried very hard on this, to be honest.

I do not fit into a mold, but no one else is a perfect fit either


So you're... not unique?


My struggles in defining how I fit into my culture give me an appreciation of true diversity


How does you appreciating diversity help the school in trying to be diverse??

I think you need to rewrite this DS with a clearly defined purpose. Think really hard about what you want to say, and then carefully write that out.




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