An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

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rishabhagny
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2011 12:03 am

An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby rishabhagny » Mon Oct 17, 2011 8:30 pm

I have developed this draft of a PS here, I am trying to make an elaborate metaphor and connect it to myself, but I am having trouble doing so. What do you guys think of what I have achieved here so far?

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Not much else is more aesthetically pleasing than opening a window to reveal a blanket of crisp, white snow. What is more aesthetically pleasing, however, are a series of footsteps left in the crisp, white snow; steps for a path unknown. Following in these footsteps eventually leads one in the same path as another, though, it is quite a challenge to follow exactly in the footsteps of another without faltering and disturbing the beautiful aesthetic of crisp, white snow. A path in the snow is not just an aesthetically pleasing sight, it is also indicative of a route of success; a route tried and true. That is not to say that this path is not full of diverse obstacles or challenges that one must overcome in order to be able to continue following these foot steps. Though, as one first embarks on a path in the crisp, white snow marked by distinct footsteps it is imprudent to assume that one will not falter in the process of following the steps.

At first, as one follows these distinct footsteps, it will be a challenge to trust where they lead and will undoubtedly lead to a disastrous preservation of the snow aesthetic as one will vacillate their choice; is it the correct path? The snow is not forgiving should one falter; it will be laden will disturbances should one fail to follow the steps. It seems, then, that they key to the preservation of the snow aesthetic is to tread carefully and trust that the footsteps lead to success. As one progresses the distinctive footsteps encompassed by the crisp, white snow, alternatives routes may present themselves. Should one follow the original set of footsteps? Should one risk success by carefully following the alternative route? Or, should one forge their own steps through the crisp, white snow?

The answer is clear. One cannot allow another to define what path one must take to achieve success. The footsteps have given the individual following them experience; experience in challenges they must overcome; experience in obstacles that may be in their way. The new footsteps that one forges through the crisp, white snow will be charged with experience leading the individual to great satisfaction in the independent achievement of success. As a new series of footsteps commences there can be no faltering, for one is not carefully stepping in the steps of another but is creating their own distinctive trail.

Much like following footsteps in the crisp, white snow, I followed the footsteps of my father, an immigrant from East India who found success through hard work and a dedication through intellectual curiosity. The footsteps my father carved for me were clear and succinct; emphasizing intellectual curiosity in all my endeavors; assigning every task the utmost dedication and attention; setting high goals and doing my best to achieve them. As I followed these steps I found myself faltering. The emphasis on intellectual curiosity I had instilled in my life from my father seemed at conflict with what my immediate peer group held as important. Trust in my fathers’ advice slowly overcame what my peer group had prescribed as prime and lead to my eventual desire to succeed and excel.

Not unlike my father, who attended a prestigious university as a graduate student, I also have a strong desire to attend a university in I can best strengthen my skill-set; to accomplish what I know I am capable of; and most importantly, to challenge my intellect and my capacity to learn. It was at this point that I was at a cross-roads in the snow; do I follow my fathers’ path or carve my own route to success. I, undoubtedly, chose the latter. The experiences I obtained through my fathers’ advice influenced the decisions I make today.

I am looking to forge my own path of success. The footsteps I make will be laden with experience, ready to tackle and overcome any obstacle or challenge that I may find in my midst whilst preserving the beautiful aesthetic of the crisp, white snow. I will not falter.

roguewave19
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Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2011 9:25 am

Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby roguewave19 » Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:15 pm

It takes until the fourth paragraph to hear anything about you and even then it's more about your father and pretty vague. The metaphor works but you need to get more personal.

kublaikahn
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:25 pm

The fun of walking in another's snow prints is that your own path is never revealed. You reach your destination without disturbing further the purity and perfection of the snow. The goal is to leave as little destructive mark as possible. The idea of following in your fathers footsteps is to travel further faster by sticking to a proven path. The metaphor does not work in this sense.

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Richie Tenenbaum
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:29 pm

The first three paragraphs were useless. My two take-aways from reading those paragraphs were: 1) you shouldn't be a fiction writer, and 2) the phrase "crisp, white snow" can become very repetitive and very annoying fast.

This critique is not meant to be hurtful. You're applying to law school, not a creative writing program. My advice is go for something simpler that focuses on yourself.

rishabhagny
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby rishabhagny » Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:53 pm

The thing is I am having trouble approaching how to do that.

kublaikahn
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Oct 17, 2011 10:23 pm

I find few things more aesthetically pleasing than opening a window to reveal a thick blanket of driven white snow. A single set of footsteps left in the otherwise pristine blanket intrigues me. I look for clues that reveal the size, pace, and direction of the traveler. I think you can learn a great deal about a man by examining his path.

My father's path carried him from a poor region in East India to a successful career a continent and a half away. His path was marked by sweat and a dedication to intellectual curiosity. It worked for him and like tradition informed him, he sought to instill in me the desire to follow the same trail. I possess a deep cultural respect for my parents and a deference to their wisdom. The footsteps my father carved for me were clear and succinct; emphasizing intellectual curiosity; assigning every task the utmost dedication; setting high goals and striving to achieve them. Initially, as I worked these steps I found myself faltering. My starting point was different than his, and my motivations distinct. The paternally directed path felt not quite right and seemed in conflict with what my peer group valued. I found myself following any path, for want of my own path...

I don't think this will work, but I gave it a shot.

CanadianWolf
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 18, 2011 7:52 am

Too many reasoning errors. The errors in logic overwhelm the essay. kublaikan's version should lead you down the correct, or, at least, a much better, path.

OP: Your concluding paragraph shows illogical reasoning--how are you going to "forge your own path" without disturbing the crisp, white snow ?

imjustjoking22
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby imjustjoking22 » Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:32 pm

kublaikahn wrote:The fun of walking in another's snow prints is that your own path is never revealed. You reach your destination without disturbing further the purity and perfection of the snow. The goal is to leave as little destructive mark as possible. The idea of following in your fathers footsteps is to travel further faster by sticking to a proven path. The metaphor does not work in this sense.


I get that he's using the metaphor in a different way... I don't think the OP is "wrong" in his use, so much as different.

However, I find the PS as it is to be excessive with the metaphor and fairly annoying. Please, for the love of all that is good, take out some of the "crisp, white snow" bits, I couldn't focus on it at all once those started cropping up everywhere.

CanadianWolf
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:37 pm

OP has several inconsistencies in logic in his personal statement; OP's analysis is flawed & incorrect.

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Chief Littlebighead
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby Chief Littlebighead » Tue Oct 18, 2011 4:00 pm

In my opinion, a so-called elaborate metaphor such as the one you present above could work for a PS if it was reasonably interesting and didn't contain a lot of errors. With that said, I would wonder at the potential of using this construction over the traditional form. Do you think that this form would make your application stand out? What I took away from it was that you are walking in your father's footsteps, and that he went to a prestigious university. Neither one of these points makes me like you particularly much. If anything, it creates a feeling of negativity because you made sure to tell me that your father went to a prestigious university. He must want a cookie. You must want a cookie too. Etc. Of course, I don't personally dislike you, internet person, just sharing how your writing makes me feel.

Repetition. Let's count in the 1st paragraph:

aesthetically/aesthetics: 4 times.
Crisp: 4 times
White Snow: 4 times
Footsteps/steps: 7 times

Final verdict: this personal statement would probably just piss me off if I was an adcom.

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sarahmargie
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Re: An Elaborate Metaphor as a PS: Help please!

Postby sarahmargie » Tue Oct 18, 2011 4:07 pm

Succinct doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean distinct. Succinct refers specifically to verbal communication.




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