2nd Draft PS - Help Please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jrb194
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Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:57 am

2nd Draft PS - Help Please

Postby jrb194 » Sat Oct 15, 2011 6:20 pm

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Last edited by jrb194 on Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:44 am, edited 4 times in total.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 1st Draft Statment - Help Please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sat Oct 15, 2011 9:37 pm

Here are some of my thoughts! I hope they're helpful.

1). I quite like your first paragraph. It sets you up as a mature person who is about to handle a very difficult situation. The one thing I will say is that your final sentence throws me off. I don't like the ",me." part. I feel like you should delete that because it's already implied that it's you. I feel like that final pronoun is just unnecessary.

2). I might have someone look over your syntax a bit. There are some places that could do with commas.

3). I'm not sure if the disclaimer "I am not a 'war junkie'" sends the right message. I definitely don't get that feeling from reading your piece, and to mention it makes it seem like perhaps someone has accused you of that before or that maybe you personally fear that particular characterization. Either way, I don't feel it's needed.

4). Okay, so this is a biggie. I really like the topic you chose to write on. It definitely separates you from a lot of applicants. However, I feel like you're definitely straddling that line between focusing on yourself vs. focusing too much on your fellow marines and the situation as a whole. I realize it's hard to not focus on those things, but the adcomm will want the focus to be you and you alone. In a few parts, I truly felt that the focus wasn't on you and that you spend more time summarizing your situation than advancing the rationale for how this experience changed you/forced you to mature/makes you a good candidate for law school.


Hope my few comments help! Best of luck in your cycle.

jrb194
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:57 am

Re: 1st Draft Statment - Help Please

Postby jrb194 » Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:28 pm

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Last edited by jrb194 on Wed Jul 16, 2014 6:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 1st Draft Statment - Help Please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sun Oct 16, 2011 6:24 pm

I suppose what I'm referring to is the lack of personal attachment to the situation. Not that you aren't attached to the situation, but that your writing creates a distance between the reader and your experience. For example, you begin by saying you felt inadequate and then go on to tell us what you did to prepare. You scrutinized, conducted, wrote, planned, and rehearsed. This is all a summary of your actions that IMO could be discussed in a more open way. You go on to discuss the vehicle rolling in the ditch and what the Marines did. While you mention that you contacted the police, the focus is in no way on you. It's on the situation, and what other people were doing. You then mention stuff about waking up at different times, etc. What ends up happening is that the story of Iraq is the focus and you aren't.

jrb194
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:57 am

Re: 1st Draft Statment - Help Please

Postby jrb194 » Sun Oct 16, 2011 8:20 pm

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Last edited by jrb194 on Wed Jul 16, 2014 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jrb194
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:57 am

Re: 2nd Draft PS - Help Please

Postby jrb194 » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:11 am

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 2nd Draft PS - Help Please

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:05 pm

I think this draft does a much better job of focusing on you. There are still some syntax problems, but those can be easily fixed. I suppose the only thing you might consider is how to position 2-3 traits/characteristics that you developed during that experience that would be seen as "lawyer" worthy. I would bring them to the forefront in your combat experience, and then leave them implied in the last paragraph. You somewhat do this now, but it could be more concrete. But, with that said, I think this is a very strong PS.




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