Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
strohmja
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 am

Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

Postby strohmja » Fri Oct 14, 2011 4:06 pm

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Last edited by strohmja on Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Oct 15, 2011 12:49 am

This could be a half page gpa addendum and that would be more than sufficient.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:05 am

Aside from the presence of several minor errors & a few omissions in addition to a few poor word choices, your essay is written well. The first five paragraphs proceed in a logical progression and show clarity of thought. After the first five paragraphs, you enter into a resume regurgitation phase that dilutes the impact of your personal statement. Consider condensing the final few paragraphs into one or two paragraphs.

P.S. Try "vigorously research" rather than "vehemently research".

jrb194
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Sep 23, 2011 3:57 am

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby jrb194 » Sat Oct 15, 2011 8:32 pm

...
Last edited by jrb194 on Wed Jul 16, 2014 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

strohmja
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 am

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby strohmja » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:07 pm

Edited due to second draft being posted.
Last edited by strohmja on Wed Oct 19, 2011 3:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:23 pm

Flows well. Allows the reader to understand much about you. Significantly better than your first draft which veered off theme toward the end. Delete the phrase that includes specific names (Chris & Brian).

strohmja
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 am

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby strohmja » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:26 pm

Perhaps make it "Every person in different, and being able to resolve the inevitable conflict that arises from four people spending more time together than apart was a valuable skill that I have taken from school to the industry."

Then roll it up into the paragraph above it?

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Bodhi_mind
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Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby Bodhi_mind » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:33 pm

From reading the essay, it seems like you should pursue a career in construction management. You have experience and have excelled at it--why not do that?

strohmja
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Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 am

Re: First draft, am I on the right path?

Postby strohmja » Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:36 pm

I like construction management, but I don't want to spend my life doing it. That is why I started looking into construction law. It blends more of the things I like to do together.

Do you think I need to make more of an effort to showcase the difference or show that I want to practice law more than CM? I guess in reviewing it I don't make the best case that ALL I want to do is go to law school.

strohmja
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 9:32 am

Re: Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

Postby strohmja » Wed Oct 19, 2011 4:03 pm

Bump for revisions.

Thanks for all the help so far.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Oct 19, 2011 7:40 pm

It's not your stumbles that define you. It's whether you get up...

thederangedwang
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Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:19 pm

I'm not sure if what you did is exactly ethical or not...maybe others can jump in here, because I'm on the fence about this.

As I was reading your PS, I couldn't help but feel that it was very similar to another PS that I had read. Sure enough, I looked through the sample PS thread and found what I was looking for.

Below is StanfordHopeful's PS verbatim, copied and pasted from the sample ps thread.



I never really paid much attention to the signs placed in front of the homeless and the less fortunate as I walked past them on the streets of New York. These were the thoughts running through my head as I considered what my own sign should read. Certainly, no one was going to read it. I had just spent the night in the ATM area of a desolate Citibank branch trying to get some sleep. I had no money, no phone and no hope of getting back to school in Boston. I think I came down with the worst case of writer’s block that morning as I tried to come up with a compelling message that would entice some level of compassion from a complete stranger. Having entertained the idea of a sign for a brief moment, I put the whole notion to rest, my pride simply would not allow for it. I used my gift for gab to convey my circumstances to the bus driver and garnered some sympathy towards my cause. I had to put my Discman up as collateral in order to get a seat on the next bus heading back to Boston which seemed like a small price to pay in exchange for a piece of my dignity as I avoided having to use a sign. The next four hours on that bus were filled with intense scrutiny and contemplation. I did not need my Discman after all. The biggest question I kept asking myself was ‘how did I get here?’

I was in my third year of undergraduate studies at Northeastern and I was barely able to make ends meet financially. Being the first member of my family to attend college was both a gift and a curse. I always excelled in the realm of academia and this was a great source of pride and joy for my parents. As a member of the schools Dean’s List and a number of different clubs and organizations, I gave my family something to cheer for. At the same time, being the first family member to attend college really called for financial resources that were beyond my parents’ modest income. Like a deep-sea diver venturing into an infinite ocean with inadequate supplies, I dove in headfirst. I knew that my acceptance into Northeastern was not something I could put aside because of money. My family shared the same sentiments and agreed that this was something that needed to happen. Completing my college education and attaining that degree was a must.

However, as each year passed it became increasingly difficult to maintain a financial foothold on my college education. No longer able to keep my head above water, I found myself completely submerged and gasping for air. By my third year, I was skipping meals or simply eating candy bars that I had shaken out of vending machines for dinner. I knew I could not last long. When I voiced my fears to a concerned listener on the other end of the phone, I thought a solution might have been reached. The plan was to go back home to NY and meet up with him. I agreed to serve as a runner, transporting drugs between a contact in New York and a contact in Boston. The money seemed justifiable and the risks seemed manageable. I was completely focused on the ends and not the means at this point. I used my last twenty dollars on a bus ticket and a dream and found myself spending the night on the floor of a Citibank branch. This cold and dirty floor, like the bed of a vast ocean, was the bottom.

Fortunately, no one showed up that night. I spent the whole night reflecting on how and why I was there to begin with. I could not believe I had even considered partaking in such activities just to generate some income. I would later find out that my real dad, whom I never met, suffered the same fate. My mom shared the story of how my father lived a life as a drug dealer only to be murdered while she was pregnant with me. It was at this point that the fire was lit inside of me and the thought of what I needed to do to make my college aspirations a reality became clearer. I realized I wanted to be a different person with clear and attainable goals for my academic and professional career. I transferred to a smaller college in New York where tuition was more affordable and I moved back home with my parents. I set my ego aside and worked full time as I put myself through school working forty-hour weeks by day and attending classes by night. No longer satisfied with my easily attainable but mediocre B’s and B+’s I studied diligently and completed my undergraduate degree with ‘A’s almost totally across the board. This afforded me a spot on a national honors society in recognition of my efforts.

There are two types of people in this world, those who take and those who make. Some people resign themselves to their fate and accept the hand which was dealt to them. That was me, nonchalant and absolutely content with any grade I received, apathetic about my lack of progress. As rough and as painful as a night in the cold and on the streets felt as it was occurring, I knew I only stood to learn from it in the long run. Now I am the protagonist in my own life instead of just being an idle spectator. My ambitions for law school have been cultivated by this vision of making things happen, not only for me but also for the sake of others. My younger sisters have both followed suite as they too have a roadmap drawn up to help them attain their college degrees. I have led by example, showing them that anything is truly possible if you want it bad enough and work hard for it. That whole experience has taught me a number of valuable lessons. I learned how to remain humble and to not let pride obscure my perception of what is important in life. I learned about resilience and about being steadfast in the face of adversity. I also became more tenacious as a result of that night. Now when I see something I want, I lock onto it like the jaws of a famished pit bull, not letting go until I devour and conquer what I set out to achieve. I know all of these qualities will help me excel in the study of law just as they have helped me arise triumphant in my turbulent undergraduate years as well as my professional career after College. This work ethic and newfound vision has transcended beyond my Bachelor’s degree and into the world of finance.

For the past year I have been working as an analyst with Morgan Stanley. My ability to make quick decisions and to think analytically is essential when dealing with a multitude of multi-million dollar trades. In order to work out various trade discrepancies I serve as a liaison between brokers, traders and various sales desks on the front end. This has allowed me to hone my communication skills. Getting my point across in a concise and comprehensible manner is crucial for the company’s financial goals. I know that these skills will help me to be a better law student and I’m excited at the prospect of sharing and learning with my future classmates and professors. Now when I look back at my undergraduate years and my professional career the question is no longer “how did I get here?” instead it is “where am I going?”




As you can see, the bolded areas are almost verbatim copies of Stanfordhopeful's essay. In addition, the structure and development of ur ps is almost identical to that of standford's essay. On one hand, you basically copied his personal statement and substituted in ur own life experiences, on the other hand, ur experiences are divergent enough so that this ps is relatively new....

I'm just on the fence about this whole copying thing because it is clear that this essay influenced your ps to a considerable extent...

what makes me queasy is how 3 or 4 sentences are nearly identical...that is NOT ok

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Second Draft - All Feedback Appreciated

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:30 pm

thederangedwang wrote:I'm not sure if what you did is exactly ethical or not...maybe others can jump in here, because I'm on the fence about this.

As I was reading your PS, I couldn't help but feel that it was very similar to another PS that I had read. Sure enough, I looked through the sample PS thread and found what I was looking for. I'm just on the fence about this whole copying thing because it is clear that this essay influenced your ps to a considerable extent...

what makes me queasy is how 3 or 4 sentences are nearly identical...that is NOT ok


Start over. And GTFO.




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