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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kbeight
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:41 pm

Old Post- don't reply

Postby kbeight » Fri Oct 14, 2011 1:44 pm

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Last edited by kbeight on Sat Oct 15, 2011 2:29 am, edited 2 times in total.

horrorbusiness
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Critque PS please?

Postby horrorbusiness » Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:02 pm

kbeight wrote:I know what it is to be voiceless. I was raised in a home where I was repeatedly told how much of a burden I had been since the day I was born, how I had somehow shown signs of rebellion and an “evil nature” since my infancy. I was accused of being demon-possessed from a young age, and informed often that I was not loved, only tolerated. My birth mother had died in a tragic car accident before my first birthday, and I was raised by a stepmother, who called my success in academics “arrogance,” banning any discussion of my education in our home, and a well-educated father who let all of this happen rather than create conflict. Any teacher, pastor, family friend, or relative who voiced concern over the obvious dysfunction in our family was easily intimidated and alienated. I was systematically silenced and broken. I know what it is to be voiceless.
I spent a long time being angry about those things. I left college after my freshman year on a search for truth and enrolled myself in Youth With a Mission, a missionary organization that runs various ministry and character development schools. Even as I was taught, counseled, and healed, I found myself resenting the fact that I had to play “catchup,” while my peers continued happily down their paths of traditional education. I spent two months in Cairo, Egypt, watching religious groups torture one another. I spent time in central England, hearing street children tell me a variety of similar, unfortunate stories. I toured the US with a worship band for 2 months, hearing person after person describe the darkest parts of human nature. I taught preschool for a year and saw children treat resort to violence for the sake of a cookie.
Proving difficult to get any input from my advisor...please be honest! Thanks so much! This is my 2-3 pager for SMU.

Everywhere I looked, it seemed human nature itself was overcoming our good intentions. As I scrambled every year to find a place to go for Christmas because I couldn’t go home, I further resented my situation. Why did my mother, a social worker with three young children, a mother who actually wanted me, have to die? Why do people treat each other badly? Why is there so much bad in the world?
One day, I simply realized- there is good, too. And we can either bow to the bad, or fight for the good. So, I made a choice- a choice for good.
This choice changed everything. For every sad story, I realized there was a person, alive, overcoming their circumstances with help from those around them. I did not have a birth mother, but I had countless families who had opened their homes and hearts to me. I had an opportunity to get an education and engage my surroundings in a meaningful way, to make my experiences mean something. I could commit myself to finding one good thing and devote my life to it, treating the wounds of the world instead of bemoaning all the blood.
I believe our American legal system is good. I believe it enables men and women to be a part of something miraculous, something that allows voices to be heard and the potential of humanity to shine. Our well-organized judiciary and protected rights give prime opportunity for justice to reign.
Do I have an analytical mind that gobbles up logic games and the Socratic method? Of course, or I would not so passionately pursue admission into your institution. Do I recite Supreme Court rulings with a passion most would reserve for athletic events or announcement of a lottery win? Unashamedly, yes. Do I believe my voice would bring invaluable diversity to your classrooms? Yes, as I have lived in tight quarters with individuals from every continent, and have spent significant time in the Palestinian quarter of Jerusalem, the ghettos of Cairo, the countryside of England, the mountain villages of Mexico, and several regions of the US. Do I have the attributes necessary for success in law school? I believe I have proven this through success in a variety of leadership positions, academic performance, history of fulfilled commitments, and self-directed path.
But above all, I bring a passion for the law itself. I want to do my part to sustain the living organism that is our legal system. I believe that as a member of the legal field, I am to be a servant above all else, to the past, present, and future generations who have devoted their lives to protection of American ideals. I am a servant to my fellow citizens, to give a voice to the voiceless, whether it is that of a victim, a client, or the public itself. I refuse perpetuate the attitude of surrender that silenced my would-be advocates from childhood. I want to join the fight for good, and I believe SMU to be the perfect training ground.



I'm gonna assume this is one personal statement and you just happened to confusingly throw the " Proving difficult to get any input from my advisor...please be honest! Thanks so much! This is my 2-3 pager for SMU." in the middle of it.

You have some decent material to write a PS about, but this present form is awful. You sound like a religious zealot, and you also sound very naive about the legal system.

I left college after my freshman year on a search for truth


What?

Even as I was taught, counseled, and healed,


Healed by God? Uhhh you're scaring me now.

Why did my mother, a social worker with three young children, a mother who actually wanted me, have to die? Why do people treat each other badly? Why is there so much bad in the world? One day, I simply realized- there is good, too.


Nice revelation bro.

I believe our American legal system is good. I believe it enables men and women to be a part of something miraculous


NO. I feel this would offend the adcomms, because they are sure to understand that there is NOTHING miraculous about the legal system. It is completely, exclusively, a creation of man and nothing else. Don't bring your happy-happy-joy-joy religious dogma into this.

I have lived in tight quarters with individuals from every continent, and have spent significant time in the Palestinian quarter of Jerusalem, the ghettos of Cairo, the countryside of England, the mountain villages of Mexico, and several regions of the US.


THIS you could do something with. (though you might want not want to mention that you were proselytizing poor uneducated people that don't know any better)

, I am to be a servant above all else, to the past, present, and future generations who have devoted their lives to protection of American ideals.


Uhh, isn't this against your religion?

kbeight
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:41 pm

Re: Critque PS please?

Postby kbeight » Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:08 pm

Thank for reading and responding! I didn't mean healed religiously really, just growing up stuff. It is jargon-y, I'll take it out. I also did not mean "miraculous" to be religious, I will change it to something else. I also was not proselytizing, but usually teaching english or doing service projects, so I will clarify the nature of the work.




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