Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ahnhub
Posts: 578
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 3:14 pm

Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby ahnhub » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:18 am

Deleted. Thanks for the replies!
Last edited by ahnhub on Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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tyro
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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:23 am

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby tyro » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:42 am

I think it needs a little introduction before you jump into the details of your ties to the school.

UML
Posts: 48
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2011 12:03 pm

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby UML » Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:13 am

rgfhjk
Last edited by UML on Mon Oct 17, 2011 9:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:47 am

OP: Start over. Your current version is more appropriate for a high school senior trying to get accepted to the undergraduate portion of the University of Michigan. In my opinion, the essay above sounds goofy---and goofy is probably not what Michigan Law is seeking.

P.S. With your numbers & experience, you are well qualified for Michigan Law so it is better to write essays that reflect your maturity, experience, intellect & seriousness of purpose.

jpal13
Posts: 278
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2011 6:53 pm

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby jpal13 » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:36 am

I have to agree that this sounds more like a high school senior.

ahnhub
Posts: 578
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 3:14 pm

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby ahnhub » Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:16 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:OP: Start over. Your current version is more appropriate for a high school senior trying to get accepted to the undergraduate portion of the University of Michigan. In my opinion, the essay above sounds goofy---and goofy is probably not what Michigan Law is seeking.


Well--goofy is definitely bad. Will prob cut out last paragraph, and some of the other borderline off-putting stuff.

But I'm confused--a lot of people say Why X's talking about specific clinics and professors and stuff comes off as BS. I've gotten the impression showing your enthusiasm for a place, especially if you have ties to it, is better than the serious intellectual approach, because you probably don't know what you're talking about. And honestly--all I really know about the law curriculum is that it's super-Socratic, and the professors get paid really well (I think they have one of the highest faculty salaries in the country).

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 14, 2011 4:34 pm

Try rephrasing your statement in a professional fashion which doesn't raise any issues. Your numbers are solid for Michigan and, as an older applicant, you want to present yourself as offering a mature & experienced perspective to the class.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critique my Why Michigan? (Super-informal)

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Oct 14, 2011 6:03 pm

ahnhub wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:OP: Start over. Your current version is more appropriate for a high school senior trying to get accepted to the undergraduate portion of the University of Michigan. In my opinion, the essay above sounds goofy---and goofy is probably not what Michigan Law is seeking.


Well--goofy is definitely bad. Will prob cut out last paragraph, and some of the other borderline off-putting stuff.

But I'm confused--a lot of people say Why X's talking about specific clinics and professors and stuff comes off as BS. I've gotten the impression showing your enthusiasm for a place, especially if you have ties to it, is better than the serious intellectual approach, because you probably don't know what you're talking about. And honestly--all I really know about the law curriculum is that it's super-Socratic, and the professors get paid really well (I think they have one of the highest faculty salaries in the country).



How about saying something more along the lines of:

"I know many graduates of your school. One works for the Children’s Law Center in Washington D.C. I love to hear his/her passion when he talks about how he is helping children gain access to federal resources so they can get off the street and back into school. He credits much of his skill to the tools he acquired at UM and particularly working with the UM Street Law Foundation. I want to do this work, too. I may be able to find similar programs to this at other schools, but I know this one works and I have a personal connection to your school.

Truth be told, I have wanted to come there for a long time. I follow the public interest work of Prof X and read the UM X journal whenever I can. The recent article so impressed me, that I emailed the writer sharing my appreciation and thoughts....blah blah blah.




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