second draft. in need of help.

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rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

second draft. in need of help.

Postby rachelwang712 » Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:14 pm

thanks for all these offered me advice on my first draft. I revised it and the following is the second draft.
Please your comments are highly appreciated.



Studying as an exchange student in Tokyo when the March 11th earthquake hit Japan, I was entirely safe in my dorm. Fortunately, only briefly affected, Tokyo returned gradually to its normal order the very next day despite occasional aftershocks. However, it was the panic that people went into that frightened me most in the days after the earthquake. People began to flee as quickly as they could. It then struck me even more that the main culprit behind that mess is nothing but media and Internet. One of my friends was even too scared to leave his room as he saw a post from twitter that radioactivity was all over Tokyo, killing every living creature. Meanwhile efforts to explain away these rumors turned out futile.

Two weeks after the quake, I, as the leader for a volunteer team, went to the earthquake-struck area to help as a volunteer. I saw victims frightened by the scaring stories in media while unable to leave the area. Their anger added up when professional assistance they received was doing little if any good to their situation.

To answer to these worries, my teammates and I spent much time searching Internet for information. We intentionally relied more on the IAEA and academic institutions than media or government. It was more difficult to explain to desparate victims these complicated figures and jargons.

At that time, I was taking a seminar on law. I know how representation of facts matters enormously. A brief look at any Supreme Court decision and a close reading of both majority and dissents would reveal that. I therefore proposed that we should focus on making these scientific facts interesting and understandable. On my suggestion, we made different slides for different age groups. Plus during our demonstrations, we used many charts and pictures to simplify so that ordinary people would not find it boring or too challenging. Our efforts worked to some extent and people were calmed.

However, their concern about lacking professional help is less easy to address. With much important document lost or destroyed, it was bothersome for people to claim compensation for their insured property. Meanwhile, for family of those deceased, how to deal with inheritance when a will was not available was also a big problem. These were far beyond our ability but were, as I realize, vital for the victims to move on with new life.

After we came back Tokyo, I was awarded for my volunteer work in these areas. However, from deep in my heart I know what I did is merely comfort and I could do much more if I had the expertise to help them as a legal professional. Whether it is for victims of a natural disaster or for ordinary people in trouble, only spiritual encouragement is not enough and it is professional assistance, law or medical, that offers practical way to cope with their situation. For me I want to do become such a legal professional. Half a year after the earthquake, I am in Shanghai preparing to apply for a graduate school. Eager to learn more about law, hopeful that my experience would prepare me at least in part for law school and highly motivated, I am determined to choose law school.

rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby rachelwang712 » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:19 am

please, i really need your comments~~

PKozi
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:29 pm

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby PKozi » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:30 am

One thing I think would be helpful if you can make it more clear why law school is what you want to do. Right now it seems to say that you want to help people, so law school is the next step. There are a million ways you can help people though, so why law school in particular?

There are also some grammar issues (particularly in the second half). It might help for you to read it aloud to find them. Or, if you're not a native English speaker, having someone who is sit down with you and going through it with them would be helpful.

rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby rachelwang712 » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:45 am

PKozi wrote:One thing I think would be helpful if you can make it more clear why law school is what you want to do. Right now it seems to say that you want to help people, so law school is the next step. There are a million ways you can help people though, so why law school in particular?

There are also some grammar issues (particularly in the second half). It might help for you to read it aloud to find them. Or, if you're not a native English speaker, having someone who is sit down with you and going through it with them would be helpful.


thank you for the comment.
As to the first question, I want to go to law school because I saw how badly victims would need professional help especially legal service after the disaster. I think I will make this point clearer.
The grammar... no i am not a native speaker. I will ask my English teacher for help.

Thank you again.

melsaye
Posts: 23
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby melsaye » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:54 am

I can see the idea you are trying to convey. However, the structure is a bit lax, and does not give the punch you need, to communicate your message.
Let's break it down a bit in structure, and then it will be easier to address things like diction and grammar.

Describe the earthquake in visual terms--you want the reader to feel a bit of the fear and anxiety that you experienced there. perhaps some imagery of the aftermath, etc...lead from those visuals into the emotional effects that it had on the people...use that as a transition to the next paragraph...

start the 2nd para with a link with the sentence of the last regarding emotional frailty of the survivors and their willingess to believe anything. When people are emotional, it is hard to think for themselves, much less search for facts and figures etc...As a volunteer it seems that you were able to move beyond the emotional trap, find facts, figures, and sources that gave a realistic picture of what was going on. Use this as an opportunity to show that you have this as a skill...fact finding, and moving beyond the emotional is an important skill for lawyers. Also being able to communicate those facts in a palatable way is very important, tie this in (the charts etc...) Make the end of this paragraph about your volunteer work as a fact finder and a presenter of facts etc...perhaps mention the law seminar here as well...

The third paragraph should start to transit to the law aspect of things, where you can speak of the problems of the wills, construction contracts, insurance, government funding, relocation (all kinds of juicy stuff here) etc...you could mention here that despite your award for your volunteer work, your tenacity for realistic approaches made you realize that there was much to be done practically other than merely comforting people by conveying news. You wanted to be involved in the actual processes of rebuilding and helping these people re orient their lives in an active way...this could be used to transit to a conclusion

the last para and conclusion, will tie everything in together. The tokyo experience made you want to travel more (Shanghai) to learn more and become more diverse. The experience of realizing how important it is for individuals to have access to legal assistance at any time has inspired you to pursue a long term career in law etc...

After you restructure, repost, and then we can see what kind of diction and grammar issues there will be. But first get the structure down...that is really the most important thing when making an argument.
Remember the LSAT rules for arguments....Premises are facts, conclusions and assumptions made from those premise are always questionable. Make your facts clear using visual statements, and then make assumptions obvious, and conclusions will fall into place from there.
Good Luck!

rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby rachelwang712 » Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:20 am

melsaye wrote:I can see the idea you are trying to convey. However, the structure is a bit lax, and does not give the punch you need, to communicate your message.
Let's break it down a bit in structure, and then it will be easier to address things like diction and grammar.

Describe the earthquake in visual terms--you want the reader to feel a bit of the fear and anxiety that you experienced there. perhaps some imagery of the aftermath, etc...lead from those visuals into the emotional effects that it had on the people...use that as a transition to the next paragraph...

start the 2nd para with a link with the sentence of the last regarding emotional frailty of the survivors and their willingess to believe anything. When people are emotional, it is hard to think for themselves, much less search for facts and figures etc...As a volunteer it seems that you were able to move beyond the emotional trap, find facts, figures, and sources that gave a realistic picture of what was going on. Use this as an opportunity to show that you have this as a skill...fact finding, and moving beyond the emotional is an important skill for lawyers. Also being able to communicate those facts in a palatable way is very important, tie this in (the charts etc...) Make the end of this paragraph about your volunteer work as a fact finder and a presenter of facts etc...perhaps mention the law seminar here as well...

The third paragraph should start to transit to the law aspect of things, where you can speak of the problems of the wills, construction contracts, insurance, government funding, relocation (all kinds of juicy stuff here) etc...you could mention here that despite your award for your volunteer work, your tenacity for realistic approaches made you realize that there was much to be done practically other than merely comforting people by conveying news. You wanted to be involved in the actual processes of rebuilding and helping these people re orient their lives in an active way...this could be used to transit to a conclusion

the last para and conclusion, will tie everything in together. The tokyo experience made you want to travel more (Shanghai) to learn more and become more diverse. The experience of realizing how important it is for individuals to have access to legal assistance at any time has inspired you to pursue a long term career in law etc...

After you restructure, repost, and then we can see what kind of diction and grammar issues there will be. But first get the structure down...that is really the most important thing when making an argument.
Remember the LSAT rules for arguments....Premises are facts, conclusions and assumptions made from those premise are always questionable. Make your facts clear using visual statements, and then make assumptions obvious, and conclusions will fall into place from there.
Good Luck!



thank you so much. your advice has been most helpful. as a Chinese, I often find it hard to express myself precisely in English. I will revise my PS and try to polish it~~
I really appreciate your piece of advice.

rachelwang712
Posts: 166
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:07 am

Re: second draft. in need of help.

Postby rachelwang712 » Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:41 am

melsaye wrote:I can see the idea you are trying to convey. However, the structure is a bit lax, and does not give the punch you need, to communicate your message.
Let's break it down a bit in structure, and then it will be easier to address things like diction and grammar.

Describe the earthquake in visual terms--you want the reader to feel a bit of the fear and anxiety that you experienced there. perhaps some imagery of the aftermath, etc...lead from those visuals into the emotional effects that it had on the people...use that as a transition to the next paragraph...

start the 2nd para with a link with the sentence of the last regarding emotional frailty of the survivors and their willingess to believe anything. When people are emotional, it is hard to think for themselves, much less search for facts and figures etc...As a volunteer it seems that you were able to move beyond the emotional trap, find facts, figures, and sources that gave a realistic picture of what was going on. Use this as an opportunity to show that you have this as a skill...fact finding, and moving beyond the emotional is an important skill for lawyers. Also being able to communicate those facts in a palatable way is very important, tie this in (the charts etc...) Make the end of this paragraph about your volunteer work as a fact finder and a presenter of facts etc...perhaps mention the law seminar here as well...

The third paragraph should start to transit to the law aspect of things, where you can speak of the problems of the wills, construction contracts, insurance, government funding, relocation (all kinds of juicy stuff here) etc...you could mention here that despite your award for your volunteer work, your tenacity for realistic approaches made you realize that there was much to be done practically other than merely comforting people by conveying news. You wanted to be involved in the actual processes of rebuilding and helping these people re orient their lives in an active way...this could be used to transit to a conclusion

the last para and conclusion, will tie everything in together. The tokyo experience made you want to travel more (Shanghai) to learn more and become more diverse. The experience of realizing how important it is for individuals to have access to legal assistance at any time has inspired you to pursue a long term career in law etc...

After you restructure, repost, and then we can see what kind of diction and grammar issues there will be. But first get the structure down...that is really the most important thing when making an argument.
Remember the LSAT rules for arguments....Premises are facts, conclusions and assumptions made from those premise are always questionable. Make your facts clear using visual statements, and then make assumptions obvious, and conclusions will fall into place from there.
Good Luck!



Thank you so much for the reply. it is most helpful. as a Chinese, language is always a barrier for me. i really appreciate your advice. I will revise my draft according to your suggestion.




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