Advice on my DS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
EMZE
Posts: 715
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Advice on my DS

Postby EMZE » Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:21 pm

.
Last edited by EMZE on Thu Oct 27, 2011 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

EMZE
Posts: 715
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Advice on my DS

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:15 am

Any and all help greatly appreciated. Thanks

horrorbusiness
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Advice on my DS

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:30 am

edited
Last edited by horrorbusiness on Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Advice on my DS

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:22 am

Ok, dude. Your service and sacrifice are excellent, but your writing, not so much. It is short enough that I can still pull out the pieces, but these are not coherent paragraphs. The first has two disparate topics (your disability and then your post combat life.) Those should be separate paragraphs with strong topical sentences, conclusions, and a good transition.

Your second paragraph introduces your role as ambassador, but then goes off talking about the prestige of the silver star. Then you move on to your pride of service. These are three completely different ideas. So reorganize it.

Paragraph one - I laid it down for my country.
Paragraph two - I was awarded the silver star (and purple heart I presume.)
Paragraph three - Now I am serving in another capacity
Paragraph four - I would do it all again because I love and honor the men I served with. (Three and four can be combined)

EMZE
Posts: 715
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Advice on my DS

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:41 pm

Thanks for the input all. Hearing all the different opinions really help my effort to improve my statement to appeal to a broad audience.

Kublaikhan, is your input based on a 1 page or 2 page DS? I am concerned that if I break it into 4 paragraphs, it will look more like bullet points if each paragraph only has 3 or 4 sentences. I absolutely agree that I am struggling with my organization, and that my structure is the greatest opportunity area that I can improve on for my DS.

I am not adverse to writing a 1 1/2, 2 page DS, I just do not want to overdo it either as my PS is also fairly long (I believe you critiqued that too). I also have a GPA addendum, and for some applications, I plan on doing a Why X addendum.

Above all else though, thanks for the candid input. It is greatly appreciated.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Advice on my DS

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Oct 13, 2011 1:48 pm

EMZE wrote:Thanks for the input all. Hearing all the different opinions really help my effort to improve my statement to appeal to a broad audience.

Kublaikhan, is your input based on a 1 page or 2 page DS? I am concerned that if I break it into 4 paragraphs, it will look more like bullet points if each paragraph only has 3 or 4 sentences. I absolutely agree that I am struggling with my organization, and that my structure is the greatest opportunity area that I can improve on for my DS.

I am not adverse to writing a 1 1/2, 2 page DS, I just do not want to overdo it either as my PS is also fairly long (I believe you critiqued that too). I also have a GPA addendum, and for some applications, I plan on doing a Why X addendum.

Above all else though, thanks for the candid input. It is greatly appreciated.


You can write a paragraph that is a single sentence if it is a discrete idea. You do not have to follow the above organization, but you do need to organize. You could go: P1: I served and was injured. P2: I was honored for my contribution (medals) but am not done contributing (I still serve in a different capacity.)

It is all in how you frame it. If you want fewer paragraphs take larger snapshots.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.