Personal Statement Help (Please Critique)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ddlem
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:19 pm

Personal Statement Help (Please Critique)

Postby ddlem » Wed Oct 12, 2011 8:28 pm

Hello,

I'm new on this forum and I would really appreciate any advise regarding my personal statement. Thank you very much


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Last edited by ddlem on Fri Oct 14, 2011 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

ddlem
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement Help (Please Critique)

Postby ddlem » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:36 am

BUMP

melsaye
Posts: 23
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: Personal Statement Help (Please Critique)

Postby melsaye » Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:16 am

okay you have some great experiences here that need to be better expressed in a stronger clearer structure.
It is clear you have overcome difficulties in life, you are a go getter, and you have not let those close to you discourage you. In addition you have entrepreneurial spirit and a profound sense of loyalty to your community. Let's divvy up the statement to address each of these things clearly and then link it to law.

First paragraph is good, perhaps more visuals. I lived in Mtl for years, its cooooold there. I would start with something contrasting the warm tropics of Ghana and the cold winter of Mirabe. Perhaps something along the lines of the new weather representing new opportunities in a difficult and strange environment...Then more visuals---waking in the morning before the sun rising to the kneading of dough, or the smell of baking, and ending the day alone at a desk with a lamp and worn out pencil. Mention perhaps callouses on the hands from both the pencil and the hot pans from the oven or something. you want to engage your reader with some visual/emotional response. End this paragraph with a transition; something like despite the hardship i was able to find strength in the community around me, everyone inte Ghanian community had some hardship, and this brought us together etc...
Now quickly describe the positives and negatives of the community, criminal activity vs. hard low paying wage work. Show yourself as unique because you wanted to break out of this cliche, and contribute something new. you did this through a)community org. Ghana Canada House b) entrepreneurial explorations (selling clothes, make up etc...) c) and finally pursuit of higher education. Use higher education as a transition to the next paragraph.

There are several hurdles you encountered during your educational activities...resistance from parents, funding, and pregnancy. Yet despite this you were able to do well in school, maintain and excel at an internship, and gain some awards. Use the child aspect to evoke emotional response from the reader. Imagery here is useful, pregnancy is a beautiful thing and can also be a heart wrenching drama, use that to your advantage. Again try and illicit emotional responses, so so so important here! End the paragraph with something inspiring about completing your education and looking forward to a future as a strong woman and contributor to society. From here we can transition to a conclusion that brings in the law.

So your abilities to overcome difficulties, tie in with communities, transcend norms and cliches, excel at education, and entrepreneurial spirit all converge in a career in law. Law is not only a logical next step, but it also provides you with the opportunity to effect how your community develops in the future, and provides you with the prospect to give your child with a bright future and an inspiration to contribute to society. Perhaps end the letter with something regarding your initial experience at Mirabel...how you overcame the difficulties of the cold weather, to reach the beautiful summers of Mtl...
Repost after you restructure...
Good Luck!

ddlem
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:19 pm

Re: Personal Statement Help (Please Critique)

Postby ddlem » Thu Oct 13, 2011 12:01 pm

Thank you very much for taking the time for respond. I will definitely implement your suggestions and will repost. Thanks a bunch :D




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