Pleeeease critique my DS :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ajr1988
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:52 pm

Pleeeease critique my DS :)

Postby ajr1988 » Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:06 pm

Im not incredibly happy with it, but it's only my first draft of my first DS ever (and also my first time posting in TLS) so constructive criticisms and suggestions greatly appreciated!


Too latina to be called white, but too white to be latina. Studying anthropology, it was often talked about the identity crisis people would feel coming from one cultural or ethnic background and living among another. Growing up I never really belonged to any of the stereotyped ethnic cliques, but it wasn’t much of an option living in a predominantly white community.

My family has a story in some ways similar to many others who take the risk and move the United States for more opportunities and a better life, yet my story is slightly different. Rather than live in the many latin enclaves of Florida, at the age of 7, my parents decided to move to xxxxx, FL, a typical suburban city. As a half-venezuelan, half colombian girl I tended to stand out in this predominantly jewish community. Looking back, as much as I shared about my latino culture, few things could have been more humorous than a young latin girl attempting to learn hebrew from her jewish friends, begging her parents- who barely spoke english, let alone hebrew, to celebrate Hanukkah, and celebrating all the holy days as if they were her own.

Although we all learned many new traditions and acquired new friends, this wasn’t really my parents objective. From very humble means, each working several jobs, my parents moved us to xxxxx, FL with the sole purpose of giving me a better education. Known for good schools compared to where we had lived, they saved up as much as they could to purchase a modest house perfectly zoned for the best programs available.

An adjustment for myself, this was also a huge adjustment for my parents. Barely speaking english in a city where very few spoke spanish entailed many translations, endless spelling questions (there was a reason why I was often spelling bee champion) and a fine ear for deciphering some meaning from the strongest spanish accent one could ever hear.

Growing up in this completely opposite socio-economic world was a great lesson in gratitude, especially when your friends were driving BMW’s at 16 and you would still be taking the bus. Having two jobs, which was a necessity and something I almost felt privileged to have, was often seen as a chore and many of my friends had no need for even one. Relating to friends was definitely difficult at times.

Living in this city also meant being exposed to many new and exciting, and sometimes scary opportunities. As a first generation college student, I couldn’t get any advice on what to expect or hear memories of an old alma mater. I was going into the unknown- often frightening, yet full of proud moments for all of us. There were advantages, however, and being passionate about learning foreign languages has made being bilingual a great tool in studying and understanding these other new languages. Not only was I able to help my parents communicate better, at work and with other family members I was able to assist those who didn’t speak english.

Being slightly different has allowed me to embrace other cultures just as much as I embrace my own. Although many times I felt held back being from a completely different background and of much more modest means, the differences have helped me communicate better with others, exchange different traditions, and bring something different, yet positive, to the community, just as living in a different culture has had a positive impact my life.

ajr1988
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:52 pm

Re: Pleeeease critique my DS :)

Postby ajr1988 » Thu Oct 13, 2011 7:37 am

bump :)

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Pleeeease critique my DS :)

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:59 am

Your message is well thought out, but communicated poorly. For example, the second & third sentences of the first paragraph need to be revised.

CONSIDER: Too latina to be white, but too white to be called latina. The study of anthropology identifies & discusses a type of identity crisis that is often suffered by people from one cultural or ethnic background living among another. While growing up, I never belonged to any ethnic cliques, but it wasn't much of an option living in a predominantly white community.

The other six paragraphs also need fine tuning to more clearly share your compelling message. As a rough draft, you have outstanding content expressed in a slightly awkward manner.

P.S. If you are able to use the services of a university writing center, ask for guidance with "syntax issues" ( the way words are arranged to form phrases & sentences).

ajr1988
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:52 pm

Re: Pleeeease critique my DS :)

Postby ajr1988 » Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:25 am

I definitely feel awkward writing these PS and DS's so i'm not entirely surprised its reflected in the writing. I don't have access to those services because i'm in Spain doing grad school, but I will def. keep revising and make some changes. Thanks for your suggestions!

ajr1988
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:52 pm

Re: Pleeeease critique my DS :)

Postby ajr1988 » Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:52 pm

anyone else? :D (sorry to bump again- last time, I promise)




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