Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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NiccoloA
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Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

Postby NiccoloA » Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:36 pm

Anyone think that this is a damning problem in my PS?

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Last edited by NiccoloA on Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

horrorbusiness
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Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

Postby horrorbusiness » Wed Oct 12, 2011 5:59 pm

NiccoloA wrote:Anyone think that this is a damning problem in my PS?

Twelve years ago I weighed fifty pounds heavier than I do today. Bullied for my weight, the misery and loneliness I felt growing up at nine years old and nearly two hundred pounds still haunts me today. The butt of every lunchroom joke, I was damaged socially and physically by the consequences of my eating. At my heaviest I could feel the slow but steady impact of the weight on my health, stretching my young skin, depressing my breathing I was trapped in a body that would eventually kill me thirty years into the future. Recognizing my plight, at ten years old I did something extraordinary, knowing that I was reaching a point of no return I stepped on my mother’s bathroom scale, looked in the mirror, and began my journey through the greatest obstacle of my life. Unassisted by parents, weight loss programs, or personal trainers I lost over eighty pounds in less than six months; melting through the fat, I reversed my health and expanded my life by years before even entering the fifth grade.

From a very early age I was considered somewhat of a bull in attitude and in size, but whereas simple stubbornness would have only allowed me to reach a level of moderate portliness, I wanted much more than to live on a balance between merely acceptable health and morbid obesity. The seeming impossibility of my goal consumed me, and so far from just easing into a diet, a method most embarking to lose weight reluctantly accept as a chore, I jumped head first into a lifestyle of careful calorie counting and exercise routines that I continue to practice today. As a child I consciously made the decision to live monastically at a level of sacrifice that others would find simply intolerable. I neither faltered nor relapsed from my path and moved with ferocious focus on accomplishing my goal weight with a rare quantity of dedication for a child still four years away from high school. My routine followed consistently in intensity, every day I would eat a breakfast of a few hundred calories of cereal and fruit, a lunch of the same size compacted in a can of tuna fish and some bread, and a small dinner before bed. I used snacks of celery and carrots as tools to fight off the hunger headaches between meals, and exercised daily for hours to raise my caloric deficits into the thousands. Embracing the ardor of my regiment, I walked into school after months of exhausting myself of bulk to see my classmates as a fully transformed person. Unrecognizable to people who had known me since kindergarten, people who spent hours running over every one of my physical flaws until the memory of my puffy face was tattooed in their memories, I felt a completion, an indescribable high of accomplishment that can only be replicated by surmounting the pain and suffering of adversity.

At ten years old I overcame all obstacles to save myself from a life of weight related illnesses, I melted away half of my weight, and I battled my body each step of the way without wavering to accomplish the heavy goal of losing nearly one hundred pounds in a summer. Even before adolescence, I demonstrated a unique ability, a workhorse willingness to force myself to succeed when every part of my body and mind begs to relent. Practicing law requires exactly the qualities that I have conditioned into my persona since stepping on my mother’s bathroom scale twelve years ago. I recognize that the legal world is a difficult and complex field for attorneys and clients, but the main difference between the two is that lawyers possess the qualities and disciplines necessary to deal with the anxieties and complexities of the law and so have a duty to defend clients who cannot represent themselves. The law is a scary subject for everyone; in my life I have seen the effects of the distress of a summons or an arrest. I empathize with the arrested, the summoned, and the sued because I recall the loneliness and total abandonment I felt as a boy. Through my struggles, I have succeeded and saved myself from my greatest obstacles and heaviest weights, and for it my duty shifts to help those who yet struggle with the weights of the law.



Hmm.. I feel very divided about your PS because:
1) there is very little, as you identify, reason WHY you want to be a lawyer (you really just mention it in the last sentence with "...for it my duty shifts to help those..." )
2) it details something that happened so long ago, whereas most people write about how they have developed into a mature person since childhood.

BUT, at the same time, I think your PS is so well-written that it's actually pretty convincing. It is very endearing IMO, because it makes the reader think "wow, this guy really got his shit together and made it happen". So I totally believe you on that aspect, that you're capable of monastic-style dedication and focus.. but like you said.. I don't know why you wan't to be a lawyer. (Then again, I don't think every PS absolutely has to explain WHY one wants to be a lawyer, sometimes evidence of the fact that you WOULD be an awesome lawyer seems sufficient).

CanadianWolf
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Re: Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 12, 2011 6:11 pm

This essay is okay as a rough draft. Your writing skills are only average, therefore it would be interesting if you dedicated your energies & focus toward producing a more suitable law school personal statement essay. As written, your PS theme is that you are disciplined & dedicated to achieving your goals; writing a stellar personal statement should be one of your immediate goals.

To answer your question as to whether or not you need to further address why you want to become a lawyer, the answer is yes since you fail to offer any relevant insight to this objective.

kublaikahn
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Re: Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:03 pm

I like it. But it could be much better. As CW said, the writing is tepid at best.

Anytime I find myself skimming I know someone who reads thousands of these will be doing the same thing. Your problem is you get bogged down in the details and then do not bring us through to the usefulness of this story.

IMO, you should bring the reader to the bigger question. The application for the rest of us. How does a person who does not take care of oneself transmogrify into someone who does? It can not be your "will of iron" or stubborness--that did not miraculously appear in you when you walked into your mom's bathroom. I really don't have the answer, but if you do, this can be an amazing piece. You would then need to show how you apply that nugget of wisdom or character to other aspects of your life. Alternatively, you can follow up by describing how you developed and strengthened that "muscle."

One other note, most ten-year-old's do not get healthy for health's sake. I find it a bit incredulous that one would lose weight at 10 to avoid morbidity. Maybe you should stick to the social beating and missing out on life elements of your motivation.

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NiccoloA
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Re: Not enough about why I want to be a lawyer?

Postby NiccoloA » Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:41 pm

kublaikahn wrote:I like it. But it could be much better. As CW said, the writing is tepid at best.

Anytime I find myself skimming I know someone who reads thousands of these will be doing the same thing. Your problem is you get bogged down in the details and then do not bring us through to the usefulness of this story.

IMO, you should bring the reader to the bigger question. The application for the rest of us. How does a person who does not take care of oneself transmogrify into someone who does? It can not be your "will of iron" or stubborness--that did not miraculously appear in you when you walked into your mom's bathroom. I really don't have the answer, but if you do, this can be an amazing piece. You would then need to show how you apply that nugget of wisdom or character to other aspects of your life. Alternatively, you can follow up by describing how you developed and strengthened that "muscle."

One other note, most ten-year-old's do not get healthy for health's sake. I find it a bit incredulous that one would lose weight at 10 to avoid morbidity. Maybe you should stick to the social beating and missing out on life elements of your motivation.



You're right on all accounts. Thanks. I'm going to overhaul this.




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