HELP please on my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
adclemen
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2011 10:38 pm

HELP please on my PS

Postby adclemen » Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:34 pm

My Voyage, My Dream
Chance or destiny, it’s a fine line but not in a moment of ?? epiphany clarity revelation . Sitting at the edge of my grandfather’s bed trembling as tears rolled down my cheeks, I looked deep into his eyes and realized that this would be the end. As I mumbled out the words “I will love you forever”, he stared back at me passionately and repeated the phrase that changed my life. There, as he was coming to the end and nearing God, he told me “Never give up on yourself and follow your dreams”. This phrase stood out to me and I have never been able to forget it. His words, though not specific, have given me the motivation to follow what I feel to be right, and that right is a career in law. I truly sense that is what those words were meant for and I believe that, to be destiny.
When that phrase was muttered out of my grandfather’s mouth that afternoon, it knocked me off my feet presenting me with the wake-up call I needed. Though he did not come right out and tell what to do with my future, when he said this, my future and law immediately flashed before me. All my life, thoughts of me being a lawyer bounced about in my head going round and round. Is law really the right choice for me? Can I succeed in such a cut throat industry? These are typical questions that fester in the minds of those future law school undergraduates. Personally, I did not think I could do it. All that is written and passed down about continuing education in law is intimidating and mystifying. But what my grandfather mumbled to me that September afternoon was all I needed. It provided me with just the enthusiasm essential in taking that next step. I knew now, more than ever before, it was meant to be. These feelings alone are enough to power me through anything because once I believe in something, I will accomplish it.
Coming from a family with no backgrounds in college education, going to college alone was a major triumph for me. I have always loved to learn. During a regular talk with my family over my performance in college, I informed them of something that was rare and unusual. I told them “The list of classes that interest me at Purdue is endless; I just want to take them all!” Clearly, they all looked at me like I was crazy as most ordinary people my age are saying the contrary. I have heard time and time again from my parents “I do not know where you get your smarts”, “I don’t know how you do so well in school” and things of that nature. I do not consider it being smart. I like to look at it as a high standard of success that I hold for myself and that I am always pushing myself toward. I never want to stop or give up. I always believe I can do better and that I can be better. I am one of those people who is never happy unless it’s the best. This comes from a strong sense of self-worth and motivation. I always strive for perfection in all aspects of my life. I do not do it for the recognition. I do not do it to please others. I obviously do not do it to fit in. I do it solely for me.
Nearing the middle of my career as an undergraduate student, I found the upmost sense of confidence in myself. I had a huge? epiphany and realized just how blessed I was when it came to my intelligence. I succeeded amazingly in high school, flourished as a college student and just loved the thoughts of learning and gaining even more knowledge. This, paired with an experience of a lifetime, provided me with the assurance that I had been deeply probing for. I experienced a life altering trip the summer going in to my senior year as I was presented with the opportunity to study abroad for Spanish. Hesitantly, I forced myself take advantage of this given that things of this nature do not come around often and I felt it would be good for me. Turns out I was right, not only did I walk out of the trip with complete confidence in myself as an independent but I was a whole new person. Not to mention, my Spanish speaking skills were sharpened to develop greatly giving me confidence in my second language. Traveling abroad alone broaden my horizon and made me realize I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I was forced into a foreign world with foreign everything and still was expected to flourish. This is when I thought to myself that I can do this; I can succeed at law school as well. Thoughts of failing were plain stupid, and I must listen to my grandfathers’ advice and follow my dreams, dreams of becoming a brilliant lawyer.
The idea of a career in law has been a main competitor for most of my adult life. Other options have been in and out; nothing interesting me more. Honed with the abilities to succeed in any environment, I will use my grandfather’s advice to propel my innate dream of being a prosperous lawyer furthering my knowledge and my success.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13914
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: HELP please on my PS

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:41 pm

destiny, trembling, looked deep into his eyes, passionately, deeply probing (seriously, "deeply probing"??)

This reads like the worst kind of smutty romance novel. I kept expecting to see a reference to heaving bosoms and quivering manhood.

Start over, using 99.9% less melodrama.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: HELP please on my PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:42 pm

This is not a strong personal statement. The primary weakness, in my opinion, is that you take two or three pages to say that you want to go to law school & become a brilliant attorney. This is not enough. Your writing lacks substance. Also, your personal statement essay is not well written.

horrorbusiness
Posts: 669
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: HELP please on my PS

Postby horrorbusiness » Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:55 pm

adclemen wrote:My Voyage, My Dream
Chance or destiny, it’s a fine line but not in a moment of ?? epiphany clarity revelation . Sitting at the edge of my grandfather’s bed trembling as tears rolled down my cheeks, I looked deep into his eyes and realized that this would be the end. As I mumbled out the words “I will love you forever”, he stared back at me passionately and repeated the phrase that changed my life. There, as he was coming to the end and nearing God, he told me “Never give up on yourself and follow your dreams”. This phrase stood out to me and I have never been able to forget it. His words, though not specific, have given me the motivation to follow what I feel to be right, and that right is a career in law. I truly sense that is what those words were meant for and I believe that, to be destiny.
When that phrase was muttered out of my grandfather’s mouth that afternoon, it knocked me off my feet presenting me with the wake-up call I needed. Though he did not come right out and tell what to do with my future, when he said this, my future and law immediately flashed before me. All my life, thoughts of me being a lawyer bounced about in my head going round and round. Is law really the right choice for me? Can I succeed in such a cut throat industry? These are typical questions that fester in the minds of those future law school undergraduates. Personally, I did not think I could do it. All that is written and passed down about continuing education in law is intimidating and mystifying. But what my grandfather mumbled to me that September afternoon was all I needed. It provided me with just the enthusiasm essential in taking that next step. I knew now, more than ever before, it was meant to be. These feelings alone are enough to power me through anything because once I believe in something, I will accomplish it.
Coming from a family with no backgrounds in college education, going to college alone was a major triumph for me. I have always loved to learn. During a regular talk with my family over my performance in college, I informed them of something that was rare and unusual. I told them “The list of classes that interest me at Purdue is endless; I just want to take them all!” Clearly, they all looked at me like I was crazy as most ordinary people my age are saying the contrary. I have heard time and time again from my parents “I do not know where you get your smarts”, “I don’t know how you do so well in school” and things of that nature. I do not consider it being smart. I like to look at it as a high standard of success that I hold for myself and that I am always pushing myself toward. I never want to stop or give up. I always believe I can do better and that I can be better. I am one of those people who is never happy unless it’s the best. This comes from a strong sense of self-worth and motivation. I always strive for perfection in all aspects of my life. I do not do it for the recognition. I do not do it to please others. I obviously do not do it to fit in. I do it solely for me.
Nearing the middle of my career as an undergraduate student, I found the upmost sense of confidence in myself. I had a huge? epiphany and realized just how blessed I was when it came to my intelligence. I succeeded amazingly in high school, flourished as a college student and just loved the thoughts of learning and gaining even more knowledge. This, paired with an experience of a lifetime, provided me with the assurance that I had been deeply probing for. I experienced a life altering trip the summer going in to my senior year as I was presented with the opportunity to study abroad for Spanish. Hesitantly, I forced myself take advantage of this given that things of this nature do not come around often and I felt it would be good for me. Turns out I was right, not only did I walk out of the trip with complete confidence in myself as an independent but I was a whole new person. Not to mention, my Spanish speaking skills were sharpened to develop greatly giving me confidence in my second language. Traveling abroad alone broaden my horizon and made me realize I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I was forced into a foreign world with foreign everything and still was expected to flourish. This is when I thought to myself that I can do this; I can succeed at law school as well. Thoughts of failing were plain stupid, and I must listen to my grandfathers’ advice and follow my dreams, dreams of becoming a brilliant lawyer.
The idea of a career in law has been a main competitor for most of my adult life. Other options have been in and out; nothing interesting me more. Honed with the abilities to succeed in any environment, I will use my grandfather’s advice to propel my innate dream of being a prosperous lawyer furthering my knowledge and my success.


I was tempted to edit out a certain key words and make this into the smutty romance novel the first responder described, fortunately I decided against that.

Anyway, this is a truly cringe-worthy personal statement. You need to scrap this entire thing and start over in my opinion. Lose the flowery language, excessive rhetorical questions, and all the cliches.

I think you can include your grandfather's quote effectively in your PS, but you're doing it in the wrong way at present. You sound Michelle Bachmann when she said God told her to kill the gays or whatever wacky stuff she believes. It's not some imaginary divine pronouncement from on high. It's your loving grandpa believing in you.

Also, being the first in your family to go to college is important. Emphasize that more, and cut out a lot of the BS fluff you've got in there.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised at how bad this PS, as of now, is given the quality of material you have to write about. First generation college student, bilingual, potentially touching story about your grandfather, etc. Focus on those powerful elements and cut all the fat off this essay (it's not fooling anyone, in fact it's really troubling to anyone that reads your essay), and you can have a really solid PS.




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