Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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YoungProfessional
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Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:48 pm

I'm new! Pleased to meet you.

I am not really concerned to much with grammar as I am with content and what you grab from reading this excerpt. I just want to make sure that I am on the right path. This is not the full essay, I just want your thoughts on the direction that this essay is going. I would really appreciate.

An abandoned cobweb sways against the window on a cool autumn afternoon in September, the origin of its movements come from a moderately small beetle that accidently flew on the web. After pushing and struggling to break free, the beetle rests for a couple of seconds before it continues to unlatch its tiny leg from the sticky web. After much struggle and persistence the beetle remains where it started, stuck to this web. What is intriguing about the beetle’s actions is its determination, persistence, and courage to attempt to release itself from this cobweb.

Like the beetle, my strengths originate from an ingrained determination that allows me to accomplish what I set my mind to. While many would agree that success could be achieved through experience, I believe that experiences, while it can lead to success, aids but does not by default create who you are and what you will accomplish. Inner determination is something that cannot be taught or learned. It activates when put in a situation that triggers its response.

Growing up, I always valued the times I spent with my father. These times were not always frequent because my mother and father separated when I was a very young girl. Yet they were cordial enough for my brother and I to able to see him from time to time. There were many disappointed moments I had with him. Like that one weekend when he was suppose to pick my brother and I up so that we could spend some quality time and he never showed up. Or when I sent him an invitation to my college graduation and he declined to attend just because I wrote a personal handwritten message to accompany the invitation. These circumstances would leave me with many questions that I never found the answer to. I blamed myself because it happened but it never shook my spirit to the point where I decided that I wanted nothing to do with him. Most of the effort to establish contact has been made on my part so anything that was done or hasn't been done wasn't a major shock. However, I wanted answers. I was not content with crying myself to sleep without receiving some reasons into his mindset on why he did what he did.

Soon after this demand for answers and explanations just left me in circles. But like the beetle, I never gave up...

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TommyK
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby TommyK » Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:57 pm

I would admit the beetle. He seems like a hard-worker.


But for you, this is the format as I read it:

Beetle story
I'm like a beetle too
Less than ideal homelife
I will thrive...because I'm like a beetle

I liked the first paragraph stylistically. I think you're a good writer. But I don't think it adds much. If you want to make your main point in your PS about your persistence, courage in the face of adversity, and determination, then I would focus on a more compelling anecdote.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:12 pm

I think you're attributing too much motive and conscious thought to the beetle's behavior. It's not struggling out of perseverance or determination; it's struggling because it, like all living things, has an instinctive sense of self-preservation. It will struggle until it escapes, gets eaten, or dies of exhaustion.

So, to compare yourself to the beetle is a little...weird, to me. One hopes that you have made more of a conscious decision to persevere through your own obstacles than a mindless insect just struggling because its lower-order nervous system is stuck on 'must not die must not die must not die.' The struggling beetle literally has no goals beyond 'escape' (until/unless it escapes and then it switches to 'eat') and no lofty plans for its future. I don't think it's a flattering metaphor as currently written. It might work a little better if you acknowledge that your struggles are, in fact, very different from a stuck beetle's struggles, even if sometimes you have felt like that beetle.

I know you said that you didn't want grammar critiques yet, but in a general way: you have incomplete sentences, missing semicolons, verb/subject disagreement, and overly informal language. When you do have a complete draft, have someone do a thorough edit.

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esq
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby esq » Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:15 pm

What are you arguing towards? It should be clear from the get-go that you are arguing your merits as excellent candidate for law school, not that you wanted a relationship with your father, however personal that may be to you. Where is the substance? Flowery prose alone will not help you in your efforts to get into law school. Maybe you should try a more structured approach here rather than filling your paper with poetic verbiage that might prompt an adcom to toss your paper aside and move onto the next. Too much time spent on irrelevant ideas, such as a beetle struggling in a cobweb, or past personal experiences that do not re-enforce your merit, creates the possibility that an adcom will treat your PS as noted.

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YoungProfessional
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:17 pm

wow! thanks for the critique. This is really helpful! I don't know where the direction of the statement was going hence why I asked you guys for your input (sorry about the gramatical mistakes). I just want to come across as someone who is adaptable to challenges without sounding so...cliche.

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YoungProfessional
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:20 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:I think you're attributing too much motive and conscious thought to the beetle's behavior. It's not struggling out of perseverance or determination; it's struggling because it, like all living things, has an instinctive sense of self-preservation. It will struggle until it escapes, gets eaten, or dies of exhaustion.

So, to compare yourself to the beetle is a little...weird, to me. One hopes that you have made more of a conscious decision to persevere through your own obstacles than a mindless insect just struggling because its lower-order nervous system is stuck on 'must not die must not die must not die.' The struggling beetle literally has no goals beyond 'escape' (until/unless it escapes and then it switches to 'eat') and no lofty plans for its future. I don't think it's a flattering metaphor as currently written. It might work a little better if you acknowledge that your struggles are, in fact, very different from a stuck beetle's struggles, even if sometimes you have felt like that beetle.

I know you said that you didn't want grammar critiques yet, but in a general way: you have incomplete sentences, missing semicolons, verb/subject disagreement, and overly informal language. When you do have a complete draft, have someone do a thorough edit.


I guess the reason why I am comparing myself to the beetle is because I wanted to show that I don't give up. This beetle is actually a real beetle outside my bedroom window that flew into an old cobweb. lol Its been struggling for a week now.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:24 pm

Very revealing essay. Based on your fascination with the trapped beetle's struggles & on your lack of assistance to the beetle fighting for survival, I think that you have the necessary ingredients to succeed at certain occupations. Not sure if this is the type of impression that you want to make in your PS, however.

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YoungProfessional
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:27 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Very revealing essay. Based on your fascination with the trapped beetle's struggles & on your lack of assistance to the beetle fighting for survival, I think that you have the necessary ingredients to succeed at certain occupations.


Thank you for the compliment.

That is the reason why I haven't let him go. Like my life, I don't have anyone to "help" me. Idk...I hope I don't sound like a scientist examining this beetle lol

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paratactical
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby paratactical » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:32 pm

Trust me, you don't have to worry about sounding like a scientist.

kublaikahn
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby kublaikahn » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:35 pm

Ironically, your beetle will die in the web. Your analogy fails on that ground. He struggles in vain, eventually gives up, and dies.

Also, something that is "ingrained" and something that "cannot be taught or learned" are not logical opposites. You can learn something that you never forget, and thus, it becomes ingrained. Do you mean innate? So there are born winners and born losers? Your paper takes on a philosophical depth that many may not agree with.

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YoungProfessional
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:37 pm

kublaikahn wrote:Ironically, your beetle will die in the web. Your analogy fails on that ground. He struggles in vain, eventually gives up, and dies.

Also, something that is "ingrained" and something that "cannot be taught or learned" are not logical opposites. You can learn something that you never forget, and thus, it becomes ingrained. Do you mean innate? So there are born winners and born losers? Your paper takes on a philosophical depth that many may not agree with.


We all die. LOL

Yes! thats the word [innate]. Not really born winners and losers. I don't believe that at all. I am just really determined and I can't think of any situation that has made me become this way. Idk, I guess I need to go into more thought


You guys are giving me so much to think about! So helpful
Last edited by YoungProfessional on Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:45 pm

the main problem with your beetle analogy is that it rests on a faulty assumption.....

you assume that the beetle is trying to escape because it is determined or something like that, when in fact, it is trying to escape due to its instinct for survival (which every organism has)

as a result, because this instinct is a trait shared by everything, your analogy falls apart since you are therefor nothing special...having this trait does not make u stand out

thederangedwang
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:45 pm

the main problem with your beetle analogy is that it rests on a faulty assumption.....

you assume that the beetle is trying to escape because it is determined or something like that, when in fact, it is trying to escape due to its instinct for survival (which every organism has)

as a result, because this instinct is a trait shared by everything, your analogy falls apart since you are therefor nothing special...having this trait does not make u stand out

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YoungProfessional
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Re: Hi guys! Can you please give me your opinions?

Postby YoungProfessional » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:54 pm

thederangedwang wrote:the main problem with your beetle analogy is that it rests on a faulty assumption.....

you assume that the beetle is trying to escape because it is determined or something like that, when in fact, it is trying to escape due to its instinct for survival (which every organism has)

as a result, because this instinct is a trait shared by everything, your analogy falls apart since you are therefor nothing special...having this trait does not make u stand out


That makes sense. Ok, I don't think I am going to use the beetle. I might just cease with the analogy until I can think of something about myself that I REALLY want to shine through.




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