all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

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paulshortys10
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all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby paulshortys10 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:11 am

I wrote one last year, retook lsat, so now I decided to break my old one into a new PS and new DS. Here is my new PS:


It’s April 30th 1992. While I assume most children my age were at school learning, I
was sitting next to my bedroom window watching the L.A. riots taking place outside my home. While I imagine most Americans were watching this occur from their TV’s, I had front row seats from my little wooden chair. I will not pretend to remember everything perfectly, but I can still see the multitude of people breaking into shops and coming out with carts full of stolen stuff. This wasn’t the first time I had seen a crime take place, yet this day forever changed my outlook on life.

I grew up in South Central Los Angeles, a neighborhood notorious for it's high crime rate where drugs, gangs, and violence run rampant. By the age of 6 I had already witnessed my home being broken into and my dog beaten half to death by home invaders and had grown accustomed to hearing gun shots at night. Yet I was too young during these events to question their realities. However on the day of the Rodney King riots, I remember a conversation I had with my mom. I naively yet curiously asked her why we weren’t out there getting free groceries or free TV’s, the latter would’ve been a huge help in alleviating our hungry stomachs. I had no idea my inquisitive question would have such an effect on my mother. As tears were pouring from her eyes, she told me about her long trip several years ago crossing through the Mexican border in search of a better life juxtaposing it next to the story of the many times my dad was caught and deported trying to achieve the same goal. She recited to me the famous proverb “El que no trabaja, no come” which translates to “If you don’t work hard, you don’t eat”. She explained to me that having a work ethic was the key to succeeding in life and not having to resort to committing crimes. Although my parents tried to teach me that education was the key to success, the environment I grew up in made it difficult to value education the way my parents had held in mind.

Nothing of that conversation stuck in my head until several years later, when on a late
night I was caught trying to steal a purse at a carnival. The end result was me being driven home by a cop, and having to see my mom’s eyes shocked and in disgust to see her son like that. That night she reminded me of the conversation we had years back, but this time I remembered every single word. This night I made me a vow to go to work hard and be one of the first in my family to go to college and make my parents proud with my educational achievements. Throughout the years I’ve worked hard to succeed in school and have received several achievement awards including multiple “Dean’s List” and “Honors” awards. I’ve carried this dedication and work ethic to other avenues including sports such as soccer and wrestling. I have a hunger to give back to the community, which I have filled by volunteering at public schools for the past 3 years, but Law School will be an avenue by which I can aspire to help a much bigger audience.

Throughout my life my parents have been an example that it's not too audacious to hope for better when you have nothing. Although I know my intellectual and analytic abilities
will get me into law school, I believe the hard work ethic I learned through my parents, will successfully get me out of law school and into a career where I can give back to my family. My ambitions for law school have been cultivated by this vision of making my dreams and hopes happen, not only for myself but also for the sake of my family, to give them something to cheer for. Through my struggles in life, I have learned how to endure and work towards an end goal As with my previous challenges, I am ready to accept the challenge of law school and workhard to achieve that dream.




please be aware this is a very rough draft, so my grammar and sentence structure is obviously still bad. let me know what are some strengths and weaknesses please....thanks
Last edited by paulshortys10 on Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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paulshortys10
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby paulshortys10 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:06 am

i just realized this is over 2 pages, so please help me out with condensing it too...

horrorbusiness
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby horrorbusiness » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:05 pm

There's a few grammatical and wording things that I would fix, and you can probably say more about your mother's impact on you/the quote about hard work

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paratactical
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby paratactical » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:11 pm

paulshortys10 wrote:i just realized this is over 2 pages, so please help me out with condensing it too...

There's no point in helping you condense until you fix the grammar and sentence structure issues, but once you're done with that, I can help you trim the fat. This is a pretty good start.

PKozi
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby PKozi » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:24 pm

Three thoughts:
1) It seems like two thirds of the personal statements that I've seen here have a first sentence just like yours. Talking about an event in the past in present tense does not a well-written paper make.
2) Stylistically you could improve by making your writing more succinct. Instead of taking out content, you can just word things more efficiently. Not only will it help you narrow down the length, it also makes for better writing. (example: "The end result was me being driven home by a cop..." instead of "a cop drove me home")
3) It's a good vignette with lots of potential. I think you can turn this into a strong PS, good luck!

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No13baby
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby No13baby » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:32 pm

I know you're trying to cut stuff, but I would have liked to see more on how your work ethic played out in college - did you hold any leadership roles, take on any big challenges or projects, or do something otherwise interesting or noteworthy? You spend the first half of your essay building up to a character trait that you only mention abstractly and in limited detail at the end of the essay.

The first two paragraphs, while interesting, should probably be trimmed a little if you're looking to condense this.

Otherwise, this is a solid start.

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paulshortys10
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby paulshortys10 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:50 pm

No13baby wrote:I know you're trying to cut stuff, but I would have liked to see more on how your work ethic played out in college - did you hold any leadership roles, take on any big challenges or projects, or do something otherwise interesting or noteworthy? You spend the first half of your essay building up to a character trait that you only mention abstractly and in limited detail at the end of the essay.

The first two paragraphs, while interesting, should probably be trimmed a little if you're looking to condense this.

Otherwise, this is a solid start.



I held a treasurer position in a psych club and joined another latinopsych club....but other than that, i commuted, so i didn't really have much time to do stuff there....I was however very into soccer and mixed martial arts and was very dedicated to it, should i add that?

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No13baby
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby No13baby » Tue Oct 11, 2011 9:16 pm

paulshortys10 wrote:
No13baby wrote:I know you're trying to cut stuff, but I would have liked to see more on how your work ethic played out in college - did you hold any leadership roles, take on any big challenges or projects, or do something otherwise interesting or noteworthy? You spend the first half of your essay building up to a character trait that you only mention abstractly and in limited detail at the end of the essay.

The first two paragraphs, while interesting, should probably be trimmed a little if you're looking to condense this.

Otherwise, this is a solid start.



I held a treasurer position in a psych club and joined another latinopsych club....but other than that, i commuted, so i didn't really have much time to do stuff there....I was however very into soccer and mixed martial arts and was very dedicated to it, should i add that?


Sure, you can write about those activities if they demonstrate your work ethic and personal growth. PSs don't have to be about academic achievements.

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mattviphky
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby mattviphky » Tue Oct 11, 2011 9:17 pm

"why we weren’t out there getting free groceries or free TV’s, the LATTER would’ve been a huge help in alleviating our hungry stomachs.

Use the word former instead of latter

kublaikahn
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Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:13 am

Clean it up.
It’s April 30th In the Spring of 1992. While I assume, when most children my age were at school learning, I was sitting next to my bedroom windowwatching the L.A. riots taking place outside my home from my bedroom window. While I imagine most Americans were watching this occur from their TV’s, I had front row seats from my little wooden chair. I will not pretend to cannot remember everything perfectly, but I can still see the multitude throngs of people breaking into shops and coming out with wheeling out carts full of stolen stuff. I grew up in South Central Los Angeles, a neighborhood notorious for it's high crime rate, where drugs, gangs, and violence run rampant. By the age of Before I turned 6 I had already witnessed home invaders break into my home being broken into and beat my dog beaten half to death by home invaders and had grown accustomed to hearing I knew to take cover when I heard gun shots at night. This wasn’t The Rodney King riots were not the first time crime I had seen a crime take place witnessed, yet this but the events of that day forever changed my outlook on life.

Yet I was still too young during these events to question their realities moral turpitude. Howeveron the day of the Rodney King riots, I remember a conversation I had with my mom. I naively yet but curiously asked her asking my mom why we weren’t out there getting free groceries or free TV’s, the latter former at least would’ve have been a huge help in alleviating our hungry stomachs. I had no idea my inquisitive question would have such an effect on my mother. My mothers response is what makes that day so vivid so many years later. As tears were pouring from her eyes, she told me about her long trip several years ago before, crossing through the Mexican border in search of a better life. She spoke ofjuxtaposing it next to the story of the many times my dad father was caught and deported trying to achieve the same goal. She recited to me the famous proverb “El que no trabaja, no come” which translates to, “If you don’t work hard, you don’t eat.” She explained to me that having a work ethic hard work was the key to succeeding in life and not having to resort to committing crimes robbed others of their hard won success. Although m My parents tried to teach taught me that education was the key to success, but the environment I grew up in made it difficult to value education the way my parents had held in mind had hoped.

Nothing of that conversation stuck in my head resonated until several years later, when on a late night I was caught trying to steal a purse at a carnival. The end result was me being driven home by a cop, and having to see When the officer took me home, I saw the shock and embarrassment in my mom’s eyes shocked and in disgust to see her son like that as the officer led me through the door ...


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paulshortys10
Posts: 619
Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 7:03 pm

Re: all you vultures, please criticize my very rough PS

Postby paulshortys10 » Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:07 am

kublaikahn wrote:Clean it up.
It’s April 30th In the Spring of 1992. While I assume, when most children my age were at school learning, I was sitting next to my bedroom windowwatching the L.A. riots taking place outside my home from my bedroom window. While I imagine most Americans were watching this occur from their TV’s, I had front row seats from my little wooden chair. I will not pretend to cannot remember everything perfectly, but I can still see the multitude throngs of people breaking into shops and coming out with wheeling out carts full of stolen stuff. I grew up in South Central Los Angeles, a neighborhood notorious for it's high crime rate, where drugs, gangs, and violence run rampant. By the age of Before I turned 6 I had already witnessed home invaders break into my home being broken into and beat my dog beaten half to death by home invaders and had grown accustomed to hearing I knew to take cover when I heard gun shots at night. This wasn’t The Rodney King riots were not the first time crime I had seen a crime take place witnessed, yet this but the events of that day forever changed my outlook on life.

Yet I was still too young during these events to question their realities moral turpitude. Howeveron the day of the Rodney King riots, I remember a conversation I had with my mom. I naively yet but curiously asked her asking my mom why we weren’t out there getting free groceries or free TV’s, the latter former at least would’ve have been a huge help in alleviating our hungry stomachs. I had no idea my inquisitive question would have such an effect on my mother. My mothers response is what makes that day so vivid so many years later. As tears were pouring from her eyes, she told me about her long trip several years ago before, crossing through the Mexican border in search of a better life. She spoke ofjuxtaposing it next to the story of the many times my dad father was caught and deported trying to achieve the same goal. She recited to me the famous proverb “El que no trabaja, no come” which translates to, “If you don’t work hard, you don’t eat.” She explained to me that having a work ethic hard work was the key to succeeding in life and not having to resort to committing crimes robbed others of their hard won success. Although m My parents tried to teach taught me that education was the key to success, but the environment I grew up in made it difficult to value education the way my parents had held in mind had hoped.

Nothing of that conversation stuck in my head resonated until several years later, when on a late night I was caught trying to steal a purse at a carnival. The end result was me being driven home by a cop, and having to see When the officer took me home, I saw the shock and embarrassment in my mom’s eyes shocked and in disgust to see her son like that as the officer led me through the door ...


Woah dude....thanks a lot for taking the time to do that, you have no clue how helpful this is. I will probably take most of these revisions into consideration. Thanks to everyone else also for posting their suggestions and to those that PM'ed me, will be using most of this stuff




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