i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

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Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:19 pm

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Last edited by Schang1 on Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lulzalicious
Posts: 92
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Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby lulzalicious » Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:40 pm

Im really in no position to give feedback on a PS since I havent even done mine, or much research on them yet. But I will say that I really like the topics you have picked to talk about. You need to make everything 'flow' a lot better though, its very choppy in some areas. For example, your transition from discussion your experience on the panel into your conclusion is too sudden. The conclusion for the PS is your weakest atm, at times it just sounds kinda starry-eyed/naive:
Schang1 wrote:There is just so much to learn about law, which I personally feel it’s not only going to be a benefit to the individuals I help through the law, but also a remarkable reward for myself in having the opportunity to endlessly explore.


The DS topic is really good but the last paragraph isnt transitioned into and seems like you wrote it really rushed.

Overall, I like it and it gives me a feel-good vibe about you. But you need to rework it a bit and make it flow better :)

I hope some other posters can give you more solid feedback soon :) Good luck with it!

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:46 pm

lulzalicious wrote:Im really in no position to give feedback on a PS since I havent even done mine, or much research on them yet. But I will say that I really like the topics you have picked to talk about. You need to make everything 'flow' a lot better though, its very choppy in some areas. For example, your transition from discussion your experience on the panel into your conclusion is too sudden. The conclusion for the PS is your weakest atm, at times it just sounds kinda starry-eyed/naive:
Schang1 wrote:There is just so much to learn about law, which I personally feel it’s not only going to be a benefit to the individuals I help through the law, but also a remarkable reward for myself in having the opportunity to endlessly explore.


The DS topic is really good but the last paragraph isnt transitioned into and seems like you wrote it really rushed.

Overall, I like it and it gives me a feel-good vibe about you. But you need to rework it a bit and make it flow better :)

I hope some other posters can give you more solid feedback soon :) Good luck with it!


Wow, thanks for the great feedback!! Yeah, I definitely need to work on my transitions (I really didn't know how to "conclude" the essays and not shockingly, it's being clearly revealed haha). I have to admit that both my last paragraphs just come out of nowhere lol =D AND reading my conclusion for about the 100th time, it does sound super naive - I just didn't know how to connect my experience into "law school" :( but I'm glad you at least think the topic is okay and you get a good vibe :D not too discouraging! Thanks again!

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lulzalicious
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Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby lulzalicious » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:00 pm

Your welcome :) And I actually think tying your experience back to 'why law school' would be the easy part, thats why you chose the topic! Your experience on that panel demonstrated/developed your interest in and aptitude for advocacy. Tie that in with your PAD leadership and demonstrated interest by taking law-related classes and you have a great 'why law school' and 'why Im a good candidate for law school'. The acad honor council experience is an excellent showcase of advocacy skills, especially the way you have presented it. You have the potential for a very strong conclusion :)

Making it all flow better will come with a few drafts Im guessing, just think of tying all your 'points' together continuously. In the PS you sorta ditch the PAD after its paragraph and its forgotten.

Dont know if this will help you, but I get someone to read stuff like this out loud to me. You catch the awkward bits really fast that way :) Good job on making so much progress already btw, Im more motivated to start mine now :P

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:43 pm

lulzalicious wrote:Dont know if this will help you, but I get someone to read stuff like this out loud to me. You catch the awkward bits really fast that way :) Good job on making so much progress already btw, Im more motivated to start mine now :P


That's a great idea!! I've never done that before, but I think that totally makes sense! I think my grammar errors would pop out easily as well that way :D and yay! I'm glad I motivated you to start your PS :lol: I'd be glad to take a look at yours once you are finished since you helped me out so much :wink: feel from to PM me anytime you would like me to take a look at it (though I may not be of too much help :? ) Thanks again!!!!

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lulzalicious
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Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby lulzalicious » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:53 pm

yw, and thank you, I will def be taking up that offer :) Goodluck with the PS!

thederangedwang
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Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:51 pm

i'm gonna be blunt cuz its the easiest and clearest way to communicate what i think, dont think i am trying to be an a hole

i'm gonna bump this thread for u also because i cannot believe what i am reading, hopefully more people will comment on ur ps and tell u the many many problems that are present and how i respectfully, but VERY strongly disagree with lulz and the feedback he/she gave u

1)I used my time in college to prepare for law school.
-seriously, this is ur intro?

2)As President of Phi Alpha Delta, I worked hard to show members the value of the organization beyond just listing it on their resume: if they were willing to take advantage of opportunities to hear from lawyers, LSAT instructors, and law school admission officers, they would see PAD as the first step in their legal careers. I started a mock trial program on campus and also took every law-related class that was offered at X University, enjoyed each, and excelled in each.
However, the most meaningful experience came from my membership on the academic honor council. I felt the full weight of each decision we made because X’s honor code dealt harsh punishments. For example, if a student has a 2.99 overall GPA, and he needs that “A” in one class to raise his overall GPA to a 3.0 to keep his scholarship, but unfortunately plagiarized one sentence on a 20-page paper, and he or she is found responsible for the plagiarism, the student automatically gets a zero on the paper and a baseline sanction of “F” as the final course grade and can be mitigated or aggravated from this point depending on the amount the student plagiarized, his or her cooperation with the hearing members, and any extenuating circumstances.

resume re-hash....and half of it is explanation that tells nothing about u

3)I know that continuing in law is the right decision for me. Through my undergraduate studies and activities, there was not a one time where I felt that I was bored.

-they really dont care how you FEEL...and this sentence is pointless filler....

4)
there is just so much to learn about law, which I personally feel it’s not only going to be a benefit to the individuals I help through the law, but also a....
-really? of course there is a lot to learn about law..you sound VERY juvenile in this statement. very naive sounding

overall...your approach is just really really bad....everything is listed...first, second third..blah blah

first i will tell you about this thing i started, second i will tell you about the adversity i faced, third i will tell u how i overcame this, fourth i will make an emotional appeal to admit me.......your ps construction is essentially this..very basic writing with no flair and varied construction at all....honestly ur ps reads like a legal brief (which is bad btw), but with less life...

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lulzalicious
Posts: 92
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Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby lulzalicious » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:02 pm

^ Actually the only critique you added to mine was that her writing lacked flair/varied construction. The rest is the same as improving the flow, tying things together, and reworking the conclusion.

While some things in the beginning are prob listed on her resume, they arent just a rehash. The PS is about why shes s good law school fit and her demonstrated interest...its all relevant. The topic is great. It just needs to be reworked and written so it flows nicely.

Also, I disagree that her discussion of the experience on the honor council doesnt tell anything about her. It tells alot, its very positive. But I do agree, as mentioned, that the writing needs some re-working and the conclusion should be re-written.

Also previously mentioned, would be nice if more people could give you some feedback OP! Even if its harsh, maybe put up another copy as youre reworking :)

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby thederangedwang » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:06 pm

lulzalicious wrote:^ Actually the only critique you added to mine was that her writing lacked flair/varied construction. The rest is the same as improving the flow, tying things together, and reworking the conclusion.

While some things in the beginning are prob listed on her resume, they arent just a rehash. The PS is about why shes s good law school fit and her demonstrated interest...its all relevant. The topic is great. It just needs to be reworked and written so it flows nicely.

Also, I disagree that her discussion of the experience on the honor council doesnt tell anything about her. It tells alot, its very positive. But I do agree, as mentioned, that the writing needs some re-working and the conclusion should be re-written.

Also previously mentioned, would be nice if more people could give you some feedback OP! Even if its harsh, maybe put up another copy as youre reworking :)


i disagree...so our critiques are really different. Your critiques are meant to get schang to revise, mine are meant get schang to consider a new topic, approach, and writing style

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: i'd appreciate any feedback! =S

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:57 pm

thederangedwang wrote: dont think i am trying to be an a hole

overall...your approach is just really really bad....everything is listed...first, second third..blah blah

first i will tell you about this thing i started, second i will tell you about the adversity i faced, third i will tell u how i overcame this, fourth i will make an emotional appeal to admit me.......your ps construction is essentially this..very basic writing with no flair and varied construction at all....honestly ur ps reads like a legal brief (which is bad btw), but with less life...


Thanks




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