Please Critique my PS, Draft 2.2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
PKozi
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:29 pm

Please Critique my PS, Draft 2.2

Postby PKozi » Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:14 pm

Edit: Thanks Guys!
Last edited by PKozi on Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PKozi
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:29 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS, Draft 2.2

Postby PKozi » Mon Oct 10, 2011 11:05 pm

If I say pretty please can I get some feedback? Like I said, I can give you feedback on yours too.

thestillpoint
Posts: 147
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:45 pm

Re: Please Critique my PS, Draft 2.2

Postby thestillpoint » Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:59 pm

I liked your description of followng politics like a sports fan, and you make a persuasive argument for your commitment to fighting poverty. However, I do walk away from your PS being less convinced about your commitment to law school. I know you tie it in at the end, but your commitment and success in keeping the Renters' Credit makes me wonder why you need a legal education right now rather than just gaining work experience at a non-profit.

You have some issues with tense shifts, I would correct them, but it's way easier if I can quote directly. PM me if you'd like grammar edits I guess? (My mom is an editor, I'm genetically predisposed to love to edit!)

One thing that stuck out to me was the transition between the second and third paragraph. I was confused about whether your story of advocating to keep the Rentors' Credit was over, and then you were learning about it academically, or what? So maybe this could be clarified and that would improve the flow.

Also, the third paragraph seems to be about both an intellectual understanding of the problem and then the human element--maybe these should be split into two separate paragraphs? Or join the first part of paragraph 3 with the end of paragraph 2 (would help with the transition as well, could say something like "To understand the full context of the Credit, I was simulteanously learning about how Minnesota's tax code functioned...")

It's an interesting story, and it does show your commitment to an issue--and the many ways in which you helped to resolve it in favor of those in needs. In that way, it is compelling. However, I think your link to "why law" should be firmed up and then there's some minor grammatical issues. Hope this was helpful!




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