Please critique

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Eve0000
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:40 pm

Please critique

Postby Eve0000 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 3:53 pm

I have a GPA addendum and a DS. Any and all feedback will be welcomed. Thanks!

DS:

“Russkii! Do you understand a word I am saying to you?” These were the phrases I constantly heard during my two years at junior high school. My family had just immigrated to United States from Tashkent, Uzbekistan in May 1999 and three months later I faced the day I dreaded that entire summer – starting seventh grade. Without any friends and only a basic understanding of the English language and a very obvious accent, I feared not fitting in. My fears were not unreasonable as I learned how remorseless and unwelcoming seventh graders were.

In addition to feeling reluctant to go to school every morning, I faced a difficult situation at home – my parents did not have a sufficient knowledge of the English language either. Not only did that prevent them from taking care of many ordinary daily tasks, but also from pursuing a career here in the United States. My father, a dentist with over twenty years of experience in Uzbekistan fell into a depression upon realizing that he will not be able to continue his career due to financial hardships and verbal disability. I became the adult at home: calling maintenance when our bathtub was clogged, resolving issues with banks and credit card companies, and accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator.

The basic knowledge of the language was enough for me to communicate with others but only outside of school. While in school, I constantly feared being judged and teased by my classmates for mispronouncing words and for having an accent. My fear was deeper than not fitting it. I kept wondering how my experiences would shape me as an individual and affect my future. Afraid to speak up in class and make new friends, I dwelled on the inability to communicate my thoughts and ideas clearly. As a result, I decided to join debate team upon enrolling in high school in hopes that it will expand my knowledge of the English language, as well as help me gain confidence. Upon completion of my first year on the high school debate team, I finally started to feel more comfortable approaching and meeting new people, as well as participating in class, without being afraid of others passing judgment. Becoming a member of the debate team was the highlight of my high school academic career and with the confidence it gave me, I was elected captain of the team during my second year, leading the team to the round of sixteen JP Morgan Lincoln-Douglas Debates.

It took me a while to adjust to a new life that involved new traditions, new manners, new jokes, and new people. However, once I let my fear go, I realized that there will always be those who will look down on me or those that will refuse to accept me but I cannot let that hold me back.


GPA Addendum:

During the first semester of my freshman year at X University, I continued to work as a sales representative at X where I started working part-time during high school. I attended classes three days a week and worked the other three days. In the second semester, I left X upon gaining employment with X where I worked approximately 36 hours per week, while enrolled in a full time semester of undergraduate courses.

Additionally, my grandmother was diagnosed with cervical cancer at that time and I used to drive to the hospital and later to my grandmother’s house after school or work, to care for her, as my parents were not always able to. This negatively impacted my studies, but I could not leave my job due to financial hardships.

As a result, I received a 2.75 GPA my fall semester and a 2.92 GPA my spring semester of freshman year. However, in the fall 2006 semester, when I no longer had to balance school and work, there was a dramatic increase in my GPA up to 3.72. I believe that my 3.65 overall GPA in the other three years is more representative of my current potential.

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Kess
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:26 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby Kess » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:30 pm

I can relate to your DS as a fellow "Russki", so you've convinced me.

The part where you talk about your father's "verbal disability", I am not quite sure if that's correctly put. I understand what you're trying to say but don't think that's right term unless referring to an actual speech impediment.

"accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator." - accompanying my parents to appointments as a translator. Acting part is a little redundant.

There might be a few other things needing some refining, but I like the content. :)

Eve0000
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:40 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby Eve0000 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:00 pm

Kess wrote:I can relate to your DS as a fellow "Russki", so you've convinced me.

The part where you talk about your father's "verbal disability", I am not quite sure if that's correctly put. I understand what you're trying to say but don't think that's right term unless referring to an actual speech impediment.

"accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator." - accompanying my parents to appointments as a translator. Acting part is a little redundant.

There might be a few other things needing some refining, but I like the content. :)



Thanks for the feedback! And for being able to relate :) I agree about the "verbal disability" part, just couldn't find a better way to say it at the moment but will work on that. Thanks again!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:07 pm

"As a result, I decided to join the debate team in hopes that it would...".

Your essays are very powerful, yet subtle.

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ladybug89
Posts: 273
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 1:57 am

Re: Please critique

Postby ladybug89 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:22 pm

I also think the content of your essays is great! I think you could finesse just a leeeettle bit more, so I suggested some line edits below. (bold indicates rewording)

Eve0000 wrote:I have a GPA addendum and a DS. Any and all feedback will be welcomed. Thanks!

DS:

“Russkii! Do you understand a word I am saying to you?” These were the phrasesThis was the type of phrase I constantly heard during my two years atof junior high school. My family had just immigrated to United States from Tashkent, Uzbekistan in May 1999 and three months later I faced the day I had been dreadingdreadedthat entire summer – starting seventh grade. Without any no friends, and only a basic understanding of the English language and a very obvious accent, I fearedwas afraid of not fitting in. My fears were not unreasonable, as I learned how remorseless and unwelcoming seventh graders could be were.

In addition to feeling reluctant to go to school every morning, I faced a difficult situation at home – my parents did not have asufficient knowledge of the English language either. That prevented them from not only taking care of many ordinary daily tasks, but also from pursuing a career here in the United States.Not only did that prevent them from taking care of many ordinary daily tasks, but also from pursuing a career here in the United States. My father, a dentist with over twenty years of experience in Uzbekistan, fell into a depression upon realizing that he will would not be able to continue his career due to financial hardships and the language barrierverbal disability. I became the adult at home: calling maintenance when our bathtub was clogged, resolving issues with banks and credit card companies, and accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator.

TheMy basic knowledge of the language was enough for me to communicate with others but only outside of school. While in school, I constantly feared being judged and teased by my classmates for mispronouncing words and for having an accent. My fear was deeper than not fitting it. I kept wondering how my experiences would shape me as an individual and affect my future. Afraid to speak up in class and make new friends, I dwelled on the my inability to communicate my thoughts and ideas clearly. As a result, I decided to join the debate team upon enrolling in high school, in the hopes that it will would expand my knowledge of the English language, as well as help me gain confidence. Upon completingcompletion of my first year on the high school debate team, I finally started to feel more comfortable approaching and meeting new people, as well as participating in class, without being afraid of others passing judgment. Becoming a member of the debate team was the highlight of my high school academic career and with the confidence it gave me, I was elected captain of the team during my second year, leading the team to thenumber? seems like a word is missing round of sixteen JP Morgan Lincoln-Douglas Debates.

It took me a while to adjust to a new life that involved new traditions, new manners, new jokes, and new people. However, once I let my fear go, I realized that there will always be those who will look down on me or those that will refuse to accept me but I cannot let that hold me back.


GPA Addendum:

During the first semester of my freshman year at X University, I continued to work as a sales representative at X where I started working part-time during high school. I attended classes three days a week and worked the otherthree days"the other" sounds weird because a week is seven days. In the second semester, I left X upon gaining employment with X where I worked approximately 36 hours per week, while enrolled in a full time semesterload of undergraduate courses.

Additionally, my grandmother was diagnosed with cervical cancer at thatsecond semester? which time? time and I used to drive to the hospital and later to my grandmother’s house after school or work to care for her, as my parents were not always able to. This negatively impacted my studies, but I could not leave my job due to financial hardships.

As a result, I received a 2.75 GPA my fall semester and a 2.92 GPA my spring semester of freshman year. However, in the fall 2006 semester, when I no longer had to balance school and work, my GPA dramatically increased tothere was a dramatic increase in my GPA up to 3.72. I believe that my 3.65 overall GPA over my lastin the other three years is more representative of my current potential.

Eve0000
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:40 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby Eve0000 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 10:28 am

Thanks a lot everyone! This definitely helped!

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SarahT
Posts: 193
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:41 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby SarahT » Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:03 am

Eve0000 wrote:
Kess wrote:I can relate to your DS as a fellow "Russki", so you've convinced me.

The part where you talk about your father's "verbal disability", I am not quite sure if that's correctly put. I understand what you're trying to say but don't think that's right term unless referring to an actual speech impediment.

"accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator." - accompanying my parents to appointments as a translator. Acting part is a little redundant.

There might be a few other things needing some refining, but I like the content. :)



Thanks for the feedback! And for being able to relate :) I agree about the "verbal disability" part, just couldn't find a better way to say it at the moment but will work on that. Thanks again!



"communication obstacle" ??

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Kess
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:26 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby Kess » Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:07 am

SarahT wrote:
Eve0000 wrote:
Kess wrote:I can relate to your DS as a fellow "Russki", so you've convinced me.

The part where you talk about your father's "verbal disability", I am not quite sure if that's correctly put. I understand what you're trying to say but don't think that's right term unless referring to an actual speech impediment.

"accompanying my parents to doctors’ appointments acting as a translator." - accompanying my parents to appointments as a translator. Acting part is a little redundant.

There might be a few other things needing some refining, but I like the content. :)



Thanks for the feedback! And for being able to relate :) I agree about the "verbal disability" part, just couldn't find a better way to say it at the moment but will work on that. Thanks again!



"communication obstacle" ??


language barrier is better, i think

Eve0000
Posts: 71
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:40 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby Eve0000 » Tue Oct 11, 2011 11:08 am

Ended up going with "language barrier" :)

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ladybug89
Posts: 273
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 1:57 am

Re: Please critique

Postby ladybug89 » Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:04 am

yay!




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