gpa addenda

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

gpa addenda

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:16 pm

Would love to hear feedback.. I may have delivered my story in a too "dramatic" way.. but I didn't know how else to explain it since it was a really big deal :?

I came to the United States to attend college, and in addition to the anticipated issues adjusting to life and school in a new country, I faced a health problem that distracted me from my studies during my first three semesters of college. Instead of my regular cycle, I was bleeding for almost three weeks every month. Due to this, I was unable to attend classes regularly and wasn’t able to give 100% focus on my studies. I sought medical attention but the hospital said my blood tests were normal despite the fact that I felt very weak and fainted a few times. In the fall of 2008, I was sent to the emergency room for the second time, and the doctor informed me that I had to be admitted immediately as my hemoglobin count was half what it should have been. He said that I had to get three packs of blood through a transfusion in order to survive. I was admitted in the hospital for two days and it was determined that the main reason for my excessive bleeding was that I had been malnourished and that I had a hormonal imbalance due to the change in foods I was eating since coming to the U.S. I was prescribed medication and I have not had any problems since.
I believe that having a hard time adapting to college in the U.S. and being anemic contributed to a continual decline of my GPA for the first three semesters of my college. My GPA for the following four semesters is more representative of my actual ability. I made the Dean’s List twice and my GPA during my last two years was 3.7. I was also able to graduate in 3.5 years despite my rough start.

User avatar
theadvancededit
Posts: 315
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:31 pm

Re: gpa addenda

Postby theadvancededit » Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:33 pm

Schang1 wrote:Would love to hear feedback.. I may have delivered my story in a too "dramatic" way.. but I didn't know how else to explain it since it was a really big deal :?

I came to the United States to attend college, and in addition to the anticipated issues adjusting to life and school in a new country, I faced a health problem that distracted me from my studies during my first three semesters of college. Instead of my regular cycle, I was bleeding for almost three weeks every month. Due to this, I was unable to attend classes regularly and wasn’t able to give 100% focus on my studies. I sought medical attention but the hospital said my blood tests were normal despite the fact that I felt very weak and fainted a few times. In the fall of 2008, I was sent to the emergency room for the second time, and the doctor informed me that I had to be admitted immediately as my hemoglobin count was half what it should have been. He said that I had to get three packs of blood through a transfusion in order to survive. I was admitted in the hospital for two days and it was determined that the main reason for my excessive bleeding was that I had been malnourished and that I had a hormonal imbalance due to the change in foods I was eating since coming to the U.S. I was prescribed medication and I have not had any problems since.
I believe that having a hard time adapting to college in the U.S. and being anemic contributed to a continual decline of my GPA for the first three semesters of my college. My GPA for the following four semesters is more representative of my actual ability. I made the Dean’s List twice and my GPA during my last two years was 3.7. I was also able to graduate in 3.5 years despite my rough start.


You need to remove some of the graphic details-- they are distracting. I would just include the final diagnosis-- a hormonal imbalance due to the change in nutrition which amounted to severe menstrual issues and anemia. Do mention that you were hospitalized, as it obviously also affected your studies, but I'd refrain from including the grim details of almost dying. I know this was a huge deal (and I'm glad you're much better now), but it can be off-putting to an admissions counselor to read all this. Good luck.

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: gpa addenda

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 12:44 pm

Thank you for the great feedback :)
Last edited by Schang1 on Mon Oct 10, 2011 1:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: gpa addenda

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 1:14 pm

Does this look better?

I came to the United States to attend college, and in addition to the anticipated issues adjusting to life and school in a new country, I faced a health problem that distracted me from my studies during the first three semesters of college. I was diagnosed with anemia during my third semester and the doctor informed me that I had to be admitted to the hospital and receive three packs of blood transfusion. It was determined that I had a hormonal imbalance due to the change in nutrition, which amounted to severe menstrual issues and eventually, to anemia. I was prescribed medication and I have not had any problems since.
I believe that having a hard time adapting to college in the United States. and being anemic contributed to a continual decline of my GPA for the first three semesters of my college. My GPA for the following four semesters is more representative of my actual ability. I made the Dean’s List twice and my GPA during my last two years was 3.7. I was also able to graduate in 3.5 years despite my rough start.

User avatar
theadvancededit
Posts: 315
Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:31 pm

Re: gpa addenda

Postby theadvancededit » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:47 pm

Schang1 wrote:Does this look better?

I came to the United States to attend college, and in addition to the anticipated issues adjusting to life and school in a new country, I faced a health problem that distracted me from my studies during the first three semesters of college. After being admitted to a hospital during my third semester and receiving a blood transfusion, I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance due to the change in nutrition, which caused severe menstrual issues and, eventually, anemia. After this diagnosis, I was prescribed medication and I have not had any problems since.
I believe that having a hard time adapting to college in the United States and being anemic contributed to the continual GPA decline for the first three semesters of my college. Due to this, I believe my GPA for the following four semesters is more representative of my actual ability. I made the Dean’s List twice and my GPA during my last two years was 3.7. I was also able to graduate in 3.5 years despite my rough start.



Try this. (Corrections in bold.)

Schang1
Posts: 256
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:58 pm

Re: gpa addenda

Postby Schang1 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:11 pm

Sounds a lot better :) Thanks for the great feedback! 8)




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.