Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
BDChairman
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:19 am

Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby BDChairman » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:38 am

Rewrote my PS from a different angle. Please provide feedback and criticism.

In the fall semester of my junior year I enrolled in Applied Corporate Finance the capstone course of the University of Georgia’s undergraduate finance program. This course is intended to pull together the various aspects of finance together through case-based learning, lectures from industry leaders, and collaborative projects.

During this time, I had begun to seriously reconsider my career aspirations. Initially, I intended to use my finance degree to pursue a career in private wealth management. While attending school full-time that semester and working at Ruffalo Cody twenty hours a week, I was simultaneously completing an internship with Wells Fargo Advisors in Gainesville, GA. This position, which provided me with my first hands-on exposure to the financial services industry, convinced me that an entry-level position in wealth management, although potentially rewarding, wouldn’t make the best use of my abilities nor allow me to adequately explore my interest in finance. After working at Wells Fargo for a couple weeks, I quickly realized that at the bottom rung of the wealth management field, the job responsibilities of a new advisor weren’t much different from my job as a professional fundraiser. While, entry-level advisors were tasked to stay abreast of the financial markets, their primary responsibility was to sell financial products. I didn’t doubt that I could excel in this capacity; in fact I believe that my background had uniquely prepared me for such a position. As a professional fundraiser, I made hundreds of cold calls daily inquiring alumni of various colleges and universities to contribute to their alma mater. This experience had sharpened my communication skills and more importantly my ability to listen and relate to people. However, I was thoroughly unimpressed with the lack of intellectually challenging assignments that a career in wealth management presented.

I desired to pursue a career which would require that I used my knowledge of finance to evaluate complex problems and develop multi-faceted solutions to those problems. Naturally, I began to look towards other careers in the finance industry. I seriously contemplated pursuing a career in investment banking. Investment banking seemed to provide the serious intellectual challenge I sought, but I was turned off at the idea of being an “excel monkey” for several years. I didn’t want to toil in front of a computer for several years before I was allowed the opportunity to engage with and communicate with the clients I worked for.

One day in my Applied Corporate Finance class, Mr. W. Benjamin Barkley, a partner in the corporate department of Kilpatrick, Townsend, and Stockton, gave an exhaustive presentation describing his work as a corporate lawyer specializing in mergers and acquisitions. I had always thought of corporate lawyers as paper pushers. I envisioned them as introverted professionals, whose primary responsibility was to review complicated legalese and ensure that corporate transactions complied with regulatory requirements. As Mr. Barkley began to detail his involvement in multiple complex multimillion dollar mergers and other capital transactions, I was impressed by how knowledgeable he appeared to be about finance and the key concept of shareholder value maximization. Furthermore, I was pleasantly surprised at the importance Mr. Barkley placed on interpersonal communication skills in his work. Mr. Barkley, who ironically was also a finance major at the University of Georgia, made it clear that corporate lawyers weren’t simply involved in reviewing important documents, but were trusted advocates who ensured that their clients legal and financial interests were acknowledged and protected at every stage of a deal.

As I began to seriously research the corporate law path, I was convinced that this career, more so than any other I had previously considered, would provide mentally stimulating projects, while allowing me to take full advantage of my determined work ethic and ability to communicate effectively and persuasively. Corporate law isn’t overly concerned with number crunching or legal minutiae; instead it has an undeniable interdisciplinary focus where my knowledge of corporate finance, accounting, and economics will be invaluable. It is evidently clear that the most successful corporate attorneys are able to understand complex financial transactions from their client’s point of view, and couple this technical understanding of their client’s objectives with their legal knowledge and expertise to successfully represent their clients’ interests. I am immeasurably excited and motivated to take my first step towards a career in corporate law and begin my legal education.

BDChairman
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:19 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby BDChairman » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:04 pm

bump

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:08 pm

Sorry, dude, but this A)doesn't tell me anything whatsoever about you as a person, and B)is incredibly boring.

This is a topic for maybe a single paragraph within a larger essay.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:52 pm

A dedicated, savvy private wealth manager in Gainesville, Georgia should be able to earn more than most biglaw attorneys in Atlanta. (You'll work half the time & make twice as much.) But, that wasn't your question. Your PS has too much detail & too little insight.

Spiegwrite
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:49 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby Spiegwrite » Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:58 pm

I'm afraid I agree with the others; this is well written, but boring. Where are you in this statement? The Admissions Commitee will note the lack of passion and conviction that the other posts have noted.

If you are interested in getting a coach to help you improve this PS, check out my site http://www.spam.net. I have worked with several pre-law students, all of whom are now in law school, to help them turn their PS into a compelling narrative.

lynda

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
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Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:15 pm

I didn’t want to toil in front of a computer for several years before I was allowed the opportunity to engage with and communicate with the clients I worked for.


Rut roh, Scooby. LS is also several years of toiling.

BDChairman
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:19 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby BDChairman » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:25 pm

So, how would yall suggest I make this more interesting?

BDChairman
Posts: 19
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:19 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby BDChairman » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:29 pm

kublaikahn wrote:
I didn’t want to toil in front of a computer for several years before I was allowed the opportunity to engage with and communicate with the clients I worked for.


Rut roh, Scooby. LS is also several years of toiling.


yeah I know, my older sister is a 3l, and my dad has been a practicing attorney for over 20 years

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:35 pm

BDChairman wrote:So, how would yall suggest I make this more interesting?
Talk about something besides finance. Talk about YOURSELF.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby kublaikahn » Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:40 pm

Don't say things like "I thought all corporate lawyers were paper pushers...," even if yo thought all corporate lawyers were paper pushers. That's like saying I though all people on welfare were lazy. Or, I thought firefighters just lay around all day. You can show that your knowledge increased without the before position being totally ignorant.

You can probably tell, I am not a fan of PS's that explain why one wants to be a lawyer by examining why the person does not want to do something else. Find a topic that explains why you are interesting and you have a better chance of writing a PS that is also interesting.

Don't start paragraphs with "One day..."

Tainted_Praise
Posts: 196
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:20 pm

Re: Personal Statement First Draft...Please Help

Postby Tainted_Praise » Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:48 am

rinkrat19 wrote:Sorry, dude, but this A)doesn't tell me anything whatsoever about you as a person, and B)is incredibly boring.This is a topic for maybe a single paragraph within a larger essay.




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