Final PS revision.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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hyakku
Posts: 604
Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:35 pm

Re: Updated Revision: Right Direction?

Postby hyakku » Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:25 am

Wow man, thank you so much. I really appciate the paragraphs you focused on as I was struggling to get them to flow. I'm really grateful I swallowed my pride and got your help, and again my apologies my man, having a bad day and e raging at someone helping is unacceptable.

I'm not sure how the length is looking on this, but i might have to take out a few more things for a final revision. I was waiting to hear back from you, CW and a previous writing professor before I started touching things though, so it may be a day or two before I can get to implementing them. I'll keep you posted, and if there's anything I can help you out with or if you're in the LA area and need a spot/good food spot/fun venue let me know, I'd be glad to repay the help in anyway.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Updated Revision: Right Direction?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Oct 15, 2011 10:53 am

At this stage, it's better to stick with one reviewer. I did, nevertheless, read the first & last paragraphs of both full versions offered by you & by another poster.

DELETE: "deep-seeded". (Just use "brought adversaries together")

CHANGE: "sagacious" to "wise".

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hyakku
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Re: Updated Revision: Right Direction?

Postby hyakku » Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:56 pm

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Last edited by hyakku on Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Updated Revision: Right Direction?

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Oct 16, 2011 5:25 pm

hyakku wrote:Cool thanks CW.

Kublai, I'm gonna be working on it today. One thing I wanted to ask, in the beginning you had summarized it to UN intern. On my resume it obviously has more detail, but do you think it's fine if I leave it as that? I was actually interning for the Graduate Institute of International and Developmental Studies so while I did work the HRC for all three weeks I also had other duties within and outside of the UN pertaining to places like the ILO, UNCTAD, etc.

I actually prefer the way you phrased it as I feel like it's a lot more subtle than trying to cram a bunch of information in there, but at the same time I don't want them to think I didn't understand my own position or something just because I wasn't exclusively working in/for the UN. I figure they have my resume though and they'll understand space doesn't allot me going into detail and everything is there already. What do you think?


I don't fully understand the job, but the reader should be able to tie the PS to your work experience. If they can easily do that, I think its fine. Maybe you just need to say interning at the UN HRC or while interning at GIIDS, I attended the UN HRC, something like that.

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hyakku
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Joined: Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:35 pm

Re: Updated Revision: Right Direction?

Postby hyakku » Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:27 pm

kublaikahn wrote:
hyakku wrote:Cool thanks CW.

Kublai, I'm gonna be working on it today. One thing I wanted to ask, in the beginning you had summarized it to UN intern. On my resume it obviously has more detail, but do you think it's fine if I leave it as that? I was actually interning for the Graduate Institute of International and Developmental Studies so while I did work the HRC for all three weeks I also had other duties within and outside of the UN pertaining to places like the ILO, UNCTAD, etc.

I actually prefer the way you phrased it as I feel like it's a lot more subtle than trying to cram a bunch of information in there, but at the same time I don't want them to think I didn't understand my own position or something just because I wasn't exclusively working in/for the UN. I figure they have my resume though and they'll understand space doesn't allot me going into detail and everything is there already. What do you think?


I don't fully understand the job, but the reader should be able to tie the PS to your work experience. If they can easily do that, I think its fine. Maybe you just need to say interning at the UN HRC or while interning at GIIDS, I attended the UN HRC, something like that.


Yea, I think with having the resume it should be clear. In the new draft I tried to reflect that just in case so they didn't think I was trying to mislead them. I also liked your beginning and the only reason I changed it slightly is because I'm trying to cut out roughly 70 -80 words from the one you gave me.I've been trying to make cuts wherever I can, and that was a few words I saved. I'm down to only needing roughly 30 cut, but at this point, I really like the direction you put me in and I like the sharpened feel of it. Cutting anything more or changing any more words is just risking messing it up, but at the same time I'm sure that one of the first things LSes are looking for are those that can follow simple directions like limiting it to two pages.

I'm pretty sure once I remove unneeded adjectives that I readded during the course of my edit while I'm reviewing, along with changing some of the words like CW suggested, I should only need like 14 words to make it perfect on 2 pages. Thanks again for all of your help kublai, and thank you all in general.




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