Round 2 PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tmplge
Posts: 21
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:21 pm

Round 2 PS

Postby tmplge » Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:23 pm

*Down for editing*
Last edited by tmplge on Sun Oct 09, 2011 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Round 2 PS

Postby kublaikahn » Sat Oct 08, 2011 8:55 pm

This is sappy and weak. You have no real topic or theme. This is just a list of things that happened or you did.

The writing is poor. Use the active voice. Do not begin sentences (at least not most of them) with "I decided....", 'I wanted...", etc. That structure lacks power and reads too informally. Remove all the meaningless modifiers. What is "intrinsic" responsibility anyway, is it different than extrinsic responsibility? Write more concisely.

I see you trying to draw an analogy between the lack of opportunity in the inner city and the former Soviet Union. You just do not explain it well. Draw the parallel about the poverty/criminal activity first, then return to it later in your piece with the deeper understanding about the lack of opportunity that creates such poverty.

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tmplge
Posts: 21
Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:21 pm

Re: Round 2 PS

Postby tmplge » Sun Oct 09, 2011 1:12 pm

Thanks you Khan. I agree with much of what your saying, the writing is weak and it will take me a few more attempts until I brush this rust off. Its been several years since Ive written anything. I am going to move away from the sappiness and direct appeal for emotion in the next draft as well.

Anyone else? I do appreciate any and all critiques of the paper.




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