First draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tmplge
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First draft

Postby tmplge » Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:25 pm

Scrapped and back to the drawing board. Thanks for saving my butt guys.
Last edited by tmplge on Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Rawlberto
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Re: First draft

Postby Rawlberto » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:00 pm

I would say that this is highly disjointed. The first paragraph lays out the successes you have had in the private sphere, but it doesn't have a sense of "accomplishment" when you're making yourself come off as a wonder kid. Working with at risk kids should probably make up the thematic whole of your PS statement yet it's buried at the very end and given minimum attention. I understand you're trying to capture the totality of you, but you need to limit your scope a bit.

Your sentences are also more like declarative statements and don't lend themselves very well in their current organization to a story telling structure. Cut down on the commas and keep Ands to one a sentence max.

Sorry to be brutal.

horrorbusiness
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Re: First draft

Postby horrorbusiness » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:40 pm

Your essay is like 4 intro paragraphs for 4 different essays.

Grammar needs a lot of work - look at the first sentence of the 4th paragraph. That thing is nearly endless.

You might want to tone down your self-praise in the first paragraph. You make yourself out to some brilliant prodigy of a corporate executive, but (i'm reading between the lines and assuming here) it seems like you were actually a(n) (assistant?) store manager of a rent-a-car joint.

jmart154
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Re: First draft

Postby jmart154 » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:07 am

horrorbusiness wrote:Your essay is like 4 intro paragraphs for 4 different essays.

Grammar needs a lot of work - look at the first sentence of the 4th paragraph. That thing is nearly endless.

You might want to tone down your self-praise in the first paragraph. You make yourself out to some brilliant prodigy of a corporate executive, but (i'm reading between the lines and assuming here) it seems like you were actually a(n) (assistant?) store manager of a rent-a-car joint.


+1. Also, your introductory paragraph comes off as a bit snobby and materialistic. You have a lot of work ahead of you.

jmart154
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Re: First draft

Postby jmart154 » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:11 am

tmplge wrote: An employee was at my desk speaking to me but he was just a blur as I thought about life path ahead, I came out of my stare and got back to work.


This statement is extremely arrogant and needs to be recycled altogether.

kublaikahn
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Re: First draft

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Oct 07, 2011 5:05 am

You know what they say, "when you come to a divergence in the road, take it." :roll:

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 10:56 am

If your university or college offers the services of a writing center, then you need to use their services.
This personal statement is written poorly due to carelessness & run-on sentences.

It is not clear what road you have determined to take & why. Your theme needs to be set out clearly & succinctly in the first paragraph. As written, your personal statement is a disjointed set of thoughts that fail to deliver a well-defined message to the reader. My impression is that you started writing before thinking about a coherent theme.

P.S. Your first sentence does not make sense. If it has been two years since graduation, then how were you "immediately" hired by the firm. Also, your second "sentence" seems incomplete. Your third sentence contains a few errors & omissions. Your fourth sentence uses different verb tenses. Your fifth sentence is two sentences. The sixth sentence doesn't make sense. This writing contains too many errors. Sloppiness & lack of logical progression will not help your effort to get admitted to law school.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:04 pm

I would like to be able to tell you that, on the bright side, I understand that rental car managers are not required to write concise, analytical essays & that with practice everything will be okay. Unfortunately, law school does not reward delayed development; in fact, you will be punished if you do not exhibit strong analytical writing skills during your first year of law school. First year grades & first year class rank are important if you want a salaried position in the legal field. Law school is too expensive & good paying legal jobs too scarce to risk learning how to write during law school.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:18 pm

Examine your word choices carefully. In your opening sentence, for example, just substituting the word "when" for "and" changes a confusing sentence into a clear one.

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tmplge
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Re: First draft

Postby tmplge » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:35 pm

Thank you for all the feedback guys I genuinely appreciate it. I expected most of it, honestly I think some comments may have even been a bit sugar coated. There is way to much going on in there for a 2 page PS and spending minimal effort on it doesnt help my situation. Back to the drawing board.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:45 pm

You have the material, you just need to develop a refined theme that is made clear in your first paragraph & supported throughout your essay. My message is that you need to take writing seriously & that you need to be more careful when constructing an essay. For many, writing is the hardest part of law school.

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tmplge
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Re: First draft

Postby tmplge » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:53 pm

CW im not trying to pander for any sympathy with my following comments but it seems like the most difficult part for me at least is being able to narrow down one specific topic to write about. It been so long since Ive had to write anything that I want to let it all out in an all encompassing essay. This combined with the rusty wheels of my writing is not helping my situation. Do you see any specific topics in there that would be better to elaborate on than others? Secondly, the does the use of Frost's poem seem a bit corny?

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:04 pm

The problem is that you don't have a topic. "Why I want to go to law school" is a solid topic if executed well. You just need to unify (develop a theme) & refine what you have. For many, writing is hard. Practice & perserverance will help to develop your writing skills.

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Angrygeopolitically
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Re: First draft

Postby Angrygeopolitically » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:28 pm

tmplge wrote:I went through and read almost 30 different statements and I was lost. How was it that everyone else had these great topics and I was stuck? How did I not think of that? Then I began to write. Here is my first draft and I sure there are tons of issues that need to be corrected. I would greatly appreciate the TLS member to critique and advise me in the right direction.

PS

It had been almost two years since graduation and I was immediately hired by one of the largest private corporations in the world as a management trainee. I was sitting at my desk, working for one of the largest private corporations in the world. I had done well in this short amount of time with the company, broken nearly ever record for our region and raised the bar of every branch I was promoted. I was in a daze sipping coffee out of my styrofoam cup and sitting in a leather chair worth more than my suite-I had become accustomed to frequent promotions and found it more efficient not to personalize my space and use what the company provided. An employee was at my desk speaking to me but he was just a blur as I thought about life path ahead, I came out of my stare and got back to work. In the coming weeks the small heartburn turned into a roaring fire that drove me mad. I had set goals before I began working for the company and accomplished them all. This was originally to be a stepping stone toward a larger goal to better myself in order to help those around me. The time had come and I was at a divergence in the road. Way too vague. Plug in some detail. watch for the tautology in the first couple of sentences. Don't say "better myself in order to help those around me." It sounds bromidic and tagged on.

My family and I immigrated to the United States only a few years before the fall of the Soviet Union yet remnants remained all around us. I had grown accustomed to calling Vladimir Lenin grandfather Lenin because his image was in the background of so many family portraits; it seemed perfectly natural to me as a child growing up in public housing isolated from the other families of the neighborhood by both language and physical barriers. I had been instilled with the idea of the long-term by my family which I would not realize until several years later. They had prepared me to make a decision in life to choose a path that is seldom traveled, to put the needs and wants of others before my own. What does this have to do with the last paragraph Tavareesh!!!? Too broad. Disjointed

The days before that would lead to the climax of my resignation were consumed with overwhelming emotions and analysis of my past, Should be first line in second paragraph where I had planned my life to lead, and how I would get there. When I took the trainee position with Enterprise my goal was to move through the ranks in an effort to learn how to run a business and fine tune my leadership qualitiesa little unbelievable, sounds fake however I had learned far more than I could have imagined, the most important of which was the type of person I was. I had learned to play politics-something I had hated in the workplace-and was receiving praise from company executives and I became a mentor for newly hired employees. In my short term I had managed to meet and exceed all company goals and was generating just over 18million dollars of revenue a year yet something was missing. I had developed a need and desire for self fulfillment and satisfaction.
what the hell are you talking about now. I am lost again. It goes from random flash backs to bragging about employment experience??? very confusing.

We no longer lived in our old neighborhood and were comfortable in our new middleclass home yet I had returned to my old neighborhood and school where I grew up to work with a program whose goal was to change the path of atwhere in the world did this come from. You need ONE idea explained well not a bunch of ideas poorly glued together. risk kids-our goal was to keep them out of gangs and make sure they made it to high school in one piece. I had developed a leadership and government program in an area where laws were communicated through violence, arranged community involvement programs with local corporations in order to expose our kids to the world outside their window. The week before my resignation from Enterprise I returned to my old neighborhood-it had been almost a year. I realized my time had come to move towards a promise I had made to myself. ?My father never missed an opportunity to sit me down and tell me the stories of how strangers had helped him and use when we first arrived in this country and one in particular had left a grave impact. It was our third day in the U.S. and my father had managed to find his way to Downtown Los Angeles looking for a job but, he did not have enough money for the return trip. As his eyes met the bus drivers and he stood there confused and unable to communicate, he reached deep in his pocket searching for anything that might get him back to his family. Nothing. A vagrant man who was waiting in line behind him had understood the situation and paid the thirty-five cents before he walked back off the bus to get my father back home. This story shaped the person I had become. It became my long term investment in myself, an obsession to obtain the tools necessary to help others in my community; an effort to repay the common man for his good deeds toward others. I had made my decision, I would choose to take the road less traveled and it will make all the difference.


I think the last paragraph has some good anecdotal material for the beginning of you essay but I would drop the rest.

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rinkrat19
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Re: First draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:31 pm

I literally stopped reading at the first sentence because it makes no sense. It was two years after graduation and you were immediately hired? What?

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Angrygeopolitically
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Re: First draft

Postby Angrygeopolitically » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:37 pm

I would start with your father coming here and then dive into the opportunities it gave you. finally talk about what you want to do after law school. Providing similar opportunities etc... Or, at least something linear like that. Unless one is a pretty amazing writer it is hard to pull off jumping back and forth in time.

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Angrygeopolitically
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Re: First draft

Postby Angrygeopolitically » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:38 pm

make an outline

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tmplge
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Re: First draft

Postby tmplge » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:43 pm

Angrygeopolitically wrote:make an outline



Absolutley, I am going to sit down put some thought into this and start from the beginning. The difficulty is not being able to stick to a single topic and not having written an essay in almost 4 years. Im rusty and anxious to get many things out which results in a pile of vomit on paper.

Anything in the first draft worth taking as the main topic and expanding on?

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TommyK
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Re: First draft

Postby TommyK » Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:49 pm

tmplge wrote:Anything in the first draft worth taking as the main topic and expanding on?


If you're going to talk about your work background, tone it down a bit. You didn't create a multi-national corporation. You didn't conquer Wall Street. You were promoted a couple times through a DEVELOPMENTAL program in a company that has a reputation for promoting from within. Enterprise people have a killer work ethic after being there for a couple years, are decent sales people, and know how to run a small business. Don't make it into more than that.

Your father's story is neat, but only focus on that if you can tie into how it shaped who you are today. If you want to talk about how much he struggled and benefited from unsolicited help and how he instilled values in your to blah blah blah, that may work.

Just try to focus on one or two points you want to get across and move from there.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:18 pm

Basically, all of the above posters are encouraging you to develop a theme. An outline, for example, is almost useless without a theme.




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