Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

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ThreeRivers
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby ThreeRivers » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:15 am

CanadianWolf wrote:Enjoyable read. Convincing of your desire to become a lawyer to battle insurance companies. Not sure why you capitalized the word "democracy" or why this sentence is in your essay. Try to redo the final sentence as it shifts the focus to your brother when it should be on your desire to attend Pitt & become an attorney in order to hammer unethical insurance companies that allow, and cause, their clients to suffer.

Thanks for the input, and yes that is a pretty bad sentence / a dumb mistake. I also agree I should probably redo the final sentence, thank you

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JoeMo
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby JoeMo » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:20 am

ThreeRivers wrote:
mandolin wrote:Should be "shock gave way to confusion," unless I'm just reading it wrong.

Some definitions of sway

To fluctuate, as in outlook.
To cause to incline or bend to one side

So I think it works there, but if others disagree / thinks it looks awkward let me know

Any other comments / thoughts on this last draft?


2 things 1) I don't know if what I'm reading is an updated draft but I don't feel like I"m reading your brother's PS... I feel like it's very much about how his struggles inspired you.

2) Shock definitely gave WAY to confusion.

This is not about the meaning of the word not fitting in. "This gave way to this" is an expression and when you change it to "this gave sway to this" is going to look to the person reading it like you're using an expression you don't understand.

I really like the PS and I think it'll get you where you want to be.

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ThreeRivers
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby ThreeRivers » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:24 am

JoeMo wrote:
ThreeRivers wrote:
mandolin wrote:Should be "shock gave way to confusion," unless I'm just reading it wrong.

Some definitions of sway

To fluctuate, as in outlook.
To cause to incline or bend to one side

So I think it works there, but if others disagree / thinks it looks awkward let me know

Any other comments / thoughts on this last draft?


2 things 1) I don't know if what I'm reading is an updated draft but I don't feel like I"m reading your brother's PS... I feel like it's very much about how his struggles inspired you.

2) Shock definitely gave WAY to confusion.

This is not about the meaning of the word not fitting in. "This gave way to this" is an expression and when you change it to "this gave sway to this" is going to look to the person reading it like you're using an expression you don't understand.

I really like the PS and I think it'll get you where you want to be.

Thank you for your input and yes this is the fourth update on this thread, if you saw my 1st 2 they pretty much were just a story about my brother's cancer and all of those comments were correct at the time. TLS definitely helped me to improve it.

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JoeMo
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby JoeMo » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:27 am

ThreeRivers wrote:
JoeMo wrote:
ThreeRivers wrote:
mandolin wrote:Should be "shock gave way to confusion," unless I'm just reading it wrong.

Some definitions of sway

To fluctuate, as in outlook.
To cause to incline or bend to one side

So I think it works there, but if others disagree / thinks it looks awkward let me know

Any other comments / thoughts on this last draft?


2 things 1) I don't know if what I'm reading is an updated draft but I don't feel like I"m reading your brother's PS... I feel like it's very much about how his struggles inspired you.

2) Shock definitely gave WAY to confusion.

This is not about the meaning of the word not fitting in. "This gave way to this" is an expression and when you change it to "this gave sway to this" is going to look to the person reading it like you're using an expression you don't understand.

I really like the PS and I think it'll get you where you want to be.

Thank you for your input and yes this is the fourth update on this thread, if you saw my 1st 2 they pretty much were just a story about my brother's cancer and all of those comments were correct at the time. TLS definitely helped me to improve it.



I'm glad because I think you have a solid PS. Best of luck!

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esq
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby esq » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:34 am

ThreeRivers wrote:I want people to slam my PS so I'm not trying to get into an argument and I definitely will take some of your comments into consideration, but the 1st 4 are about my brother? There are 5 paragraphs:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction story about brother having cancer
Paragraph 2 - His struggle became my inspiration
Paragraph 3 - How it influenced me
Paragraph 4 - Why I want to attend X law school / why I would be good for X law school
Paragraph 5 - Closing / wrapped it up

You stating that it took 4 out of my 5 paragraphs makes me believe you didn't even read my PS really / just looked at other individuals comments from previous drafts (in which case they were correct).

edit: Actually you seem to think there are 7 paragraphs, when there are actually 5.. idk

Still, I thank you for your input and will definitely take it into consideration for my next draft


When you asked me about why I thought this was more about your bro than you, I did a quick count of your above posting and and thought 7, but yes you are right there are only 5 paragraphs. I also mistakenly believed, for a bit, that you were applying to UPenn. Seeing that you are applying to Pitt, you might have a chance, I don't know. Even there, though, I assume that you will have some decent competition when applying. So if you want to take my suggestions and, as they say, throw the baby out with the bathwater because I did not count your paragraphs correctly, that's your call. But your PS includes nothing that separates you from the absolute lowest common denominator applying to law school. In this case, hopefully your LSAT will do that. Take it or leave it, but your PS substantively says absolutely nothing that makes you stand out.

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ThreeRivers
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby ThreeRivers » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:47 am

esq wrote:
ThreeRivers wrote:I want people to slam my PS so I'm not trying to get into an argument and I definitely will take some of your comments into consideration, but the 1st 4 are about my brother? There are 5 paragraphs:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction story about brother having cancer
Paragraph 2 - His struggle became my inspiration
Paragraph 3 - How it influenced me
Paragraph 4 - Why I want to attend X law school / why I would be good for X law school
Paragraph 5 - Closing / wrapped it up

You stating that it took 4 out of my 5 paragraphs makes me believe you didn't even read my PS really / just looked at other individuals comments from previous drafts (in which case they were correct).

edit: Actually you seem to think there are 7 paragraphs, when there are actually 5.. idk

Still, I thank you for your input and will definitely take it into consideration for my next draft


When you asked me about why I thought this was more about your bro than you, I did a quick count of your above posting and and thought 7, but yes you are right there are only 5 paragraphs. I also mistakenly believed, for a bit, that you were applying to UPenn. Seeing that you are applying to Pitt, you might have a chance, I don't know. Even there, though, I assume that you will have some decent competition when applying. So if you want to take my suggestions and, as they say, throw the baby out with the bathwater because I did not count your paragraphs correctly, that's your call. But your PS includes nothing that separates you from the absolute lowest common denominator applying to law school. In this case, hopefully your LSAT will do that. Take it or leave it, but your PS substantively says absolutely nothing that makes you stand out.

I'm waiting on my LSAT to see where I should apply. If it is high enough I'll have a decent shot of T14, if not I'll go for regional schools in areas in which I want to live, I just used Pitt for this example because I will probably apply there either way (I'm from Pittsburgh).

I'm sorry if I offended you by disagreeing with you, but it just appeared to me that you were highly influenced by other posts from previous drafts (in which their comments drastically helped me to improve this version). I've tried to get away from what you're stating and feel like I have. This is why I was surprised by your response because I thought it was just about his cancer in the intro. I'm not "throwing your comments out," and I probably will adjust my essay based on your comments (although maybe not to the extent you wish).

I value anyone's opinion who is willing to take time out of their day to evaluate a stranger's PS when it has no direct benefit to them. To be honest I'm probably going to weigh all the opinions I get on this latest version and then change my PS accordingly, I just don't know how to make it less about my brother at this point, but if others echo your statement I'll try:

As of now you seem to pretty much despise it but JoeMo / CanadianWolf seemed to enjoy it / feel it was a strong PS. Everyone has their opinion and hell it is very likely that some adcoms will like mine and some won't, so neither side of this is necessary "right" or "Wrong."

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esq
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby esq » Fri Oct 14, 2011 12:38 pm

Well, best of luck to you. I hope that you do well, and sometimes the PS helps towards that, sometimes it has no affect. I just hope that your tendency to accept the favorable views you have received here don't preclude your ability to understand that the substance of your PS is lacking. While others will be outlining personal experiences that have developed work ethic, professional skills, academic accomplishments, and smarts, yours will effectively read: "My brother's a great guy who, through determination and desire, worked through some tough shit to become a CPA. My relation to him has infused me with this same determination, e.g., I looked up information about law school applications and now desire to fight for the vague, undefined idea of defending democracy - two things that are inherent in the process of applying to law school. Pitt, you should accept me over another - who has done these same things, possibly more - because of this."

I'm not saying that you must nix your brother's experience from your PS. I am saying that this is the crux of it, and this because you have not provided anything that is really substantive about yourself and your ability to succeed in law school. Again, you may overcome this. A PS isn't everything. But as is, this PS is unlikely to help your chances.

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ThreeRivers
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby ThreeRivers » Fri Oct 14, 2011 2:17 pm

esq wrote:Well, best of luck to you. I hope that you do well, and sometimes the PS helps towards that, sometimes it has no affect. I just hope that your tendency to accept the favorable views you have received here don't preclude your ability to understand that the substance of your PS is lacking. While others will be outlining personal experiences that have developed work ethic, professional skills, academic accomplishments, and smarts, yours will effectively read: "My brother's a great guy who, through determination and desire, worked through some tough shit to become a CPA. My relation to him has infused me with this same determination, e.g., I looked up information about law school applications and now desire to fight for the vague, undefined idea of defending democracy - two things that are inherent in the process of applying to law school. Pitt, you should accept me over another - who has done these same things, possibly more - because of this."

I'm not saying that you must nix your brother's experience from your PS. I am saying that this is the crux of it, and this because you have not provided anything that is really substantive about yourself and your ability to succeed in law school. Again, you may overcome this. A PS isn't everything. But as is, this PS is unlikely to help your chances.

I'm certainly not looking for positive responses, I agreed with every single other criticism of previous drafts and I'm also now working on taking into consideration your opinion (and I've also scratched that horrid sentence).

kublaikahn
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:28 pm

If I told you a story about a tragedy my wife went through, I would also be telling you about a tragedy I went through. In this vein, you can use the story. However, being inspired by your brother is not enough. It is such a small part of it. And the very short route from "got inspired" to applied to "law school" lacks depth.

You are off to a good start. Here are some ideas where you can improve. From the point where you reconnect with your bro you need to build out your case for the impact of this experience on you as a person. And motivation is the weakest element. As the saying goes, nothing inspires more hope than the first four hours of a diet. In other words, the impetus will soon wear off.

So go deeper. Rewrite it from there telling us, not how your brother inspired you, but how important and indeed urgent your own sense of purpose has become.

PersuasiveCharm
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Re: Updated Draft 4: In SERIOUS need of help

Postby PersuasiveCharm » Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:17 pm

I'm sorry, but like others said...I feel like you focused too much on your brother. You seem to be a talented writer, so just find a way to bring it back to focusing on yourself. Good luck!




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