Personal Statement, thoughts?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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BKCentral
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 5:19 pm

Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby BKCentral » Thu Oct 06, 2011 5:03 pm

Please don't quote, I'm going to take it down after a few comments. If you'd like me to look at yours, feel free to PM me.
Last edited by BKCentral on Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

imjustjoking22
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Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:46 am

Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby imjustjoking22 » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:50 pm

Just skimmed quickly, but I think I like it overall, just hate the last half of the concluding sentence. Please, please end with something else.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:55 pm

DELETE: ",and I wouldn't have it any other way." Better to save that phrase for use when placing an order at Burger King.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:57 pm

Overall this is a predictable & simplistic PS that is as common as it is shallow.

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BKCentral
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby BKCentral » Thu Oct 06, 2011 6:58 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:DELETE: ",and I wouldn't have it any other way." Better to save that phrase for use when placing an order at Burger King.


Would you recommend that for just the end, or both times (the beginning of the 3rd paragraph as well)?

Thanks for the help

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 7:00 pm

I was referring to the final sentence. Unfortunately, your personal statement essay is a bit jingoistic & unoriginal which presents you in a superficial light.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:34 pm

It should be noted that you are a skilled writer & should do well in law school, in my opinion. Your personal statement lacks depth, however.

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BKCentral
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Re: Personal Statement, thoughts?

Postby BKCentral » Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:35 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:It should be noted that you are a skilled writer & should do well in law school, in my opinion. Your personal statement lacks depth, however.


Thanks for taking time to review it, it was still my first (revised/edited) draft, but I'm going to try to convey myself differently on another draft.




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