Punish my personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
EMZE
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Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Punish my personal statement

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:08 am

Thanks for all who helped! I've got enough to work with for now.
Last edited by EMZE on Sat Oct 08, 2011 1:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:27 am

You've turned four paragraphs of material into a seven paragraph essay. As a rough draft, this is okay if you are able to refine this personal statement into a more succinct message comprised of clear, concise sentences.

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Nicholasnickynic
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby Nicholasnickynic » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:36 am

TL;DR, but your thread title is slightly sexual. Plz moderate.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:47 am

In order to properly refine your essay, you need to focus on one theme or on unifying your themes.

The thought of getting Afghan citizens to adopt a Western legal system is a bit naive & disrespectful, although understandable in your situation. Your PS would be strentghened, in my opinion, if you recognized that other cultures operate under different value systems which leads to unfamiliar legal/problem solving methods.

The middle portion of your writing veers off into a resume regurgitation without a relevant call for this transition.

EMZE
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Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:48 am

So, Cwolf, would you say the biggest issue is that it is too much talk and not enough substance, or that my purpose is not clear enough?

EMZE
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Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:54 am

If my PS expresses that I was trying to change afghan culture regardless of preexisting constructs I have clearly failed... My goal in that anecdote was expressessing personal growth and increasing my appreciation for what we have in the U.S.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:58 am

The latter part of that message was communicated, but the other portion was not.

Your PS contains too many details without reason.

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Massimiliano
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby Massimiliano » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:07 am

I agree that this essay is technically too long for a law school personal statement.

At heart, however, I kept thinking F*** this guy's story is interesting and he should be afforded as much damn space as he wants to tell it. I personally preferred reading the lengthy version, but law schools are sticklers for following directions, so I'd shorten this to 2-3 pages double spaced. There's a long paragraph toward the end that talks about conflict resolution in villages that kind of just repeats your more interesting first paragraph, so that might be the first thing to eliminate.

I think referencing the Silver Star is absolutely essential. That is something very very few applicants have accomplished... demonstrates leadership, service to country, selflessness, etc. definitely keep that.

I don't agree with the poster calling you out on not having the proper perspective on the situation in Afghanistan. You served there. Few others have. Your opinion is damn valuable and you should call it how you see it.

EMZE
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Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:26 am

All input Is grestly appreciated. Clearly length is my main issue. Right now is it 2 pg single space, 11 font.What is really messing with me is trying to write in a style that I haven't used in nearly a decade since military writing, probably much like legal writing ( at least from what I have gleaned from RC topics), is devoid of prose.

The silver star is in my resume. Would I perhaps be better served by putting that in my diversity statement and leaving it out in my PS? My numbers are going to be below median for many schools I apply to. My goal is to get them to consider me based on those other factors. I fear if I don't mention it in my PS they won't even bother to read my DS, where I am going to have what it is I believe makes me a good unique candidate with much to bring in the absence of super digits.

imjustjoking22
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Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby imjustjoking22 » Thu Oct 06, 2011 3:37 pm

I think your essay topic is really strong, but you definitely suffer from a lack of focus- if you are going to tell a story, I'd stick to just one, and then give background. I'd also go more in to what you want to do as a lawyer rather than just talk about "moving on to your ultimate goal" and all that- it sounds a bit formulaic and I think your commitment to country/public service is a much stronger approach to it. If you can, I'd weave that into your first paragraph and then focus on your leadership experience, mention the award, then end on the commitment to country/public service again to make that the take-away of your PS.

EMZE
Posts: 715
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:53 am

Re: Punish my personal statement

Postby EMZE » Thu Oct 06, 2011 5:40 pm

Thanks for the advice. You guys rock. Keep it coming please.




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