Need Your Expert Opinion

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

How would you rank this statement on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest.

Poll ended at Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:32 pm

1
2
22%
2
2
22%
3
4
44%
4
1
11%
5
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 9

Acumen
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 10:01 am

Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby Acumen » Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:32 pm

Below is a copy of my personal statement. Please read it and let me know what you think. Thanks guys!

I was a political machine, spending all of my spare time attending campus events, rallying student supporters, and making hand written and verbal statements to key student groups. My political team consisted of fellow students from varying educational backgrounds and some that brought with them an endowment of student supporters. Campaigning became my extracurricular activity and outside of class and work it got all of my attention. Monday through Saturday I was lucky to get four hours of sleep. Coffee became more than just something to warm me up in the mornings, it became my fuel. The creamy latte from the campus coffee shop was quickly changed to a black Columbian blend with an energetic shot of espresso. All of these efforts were for one reason; to be elected President of the Student Government Association (SGA).

People may have construed my often red veined eyes as a result of sleepless nights and stress, but to me they were marks of determination. A week before the voting commenced SGA hosted the last televised debate of the election. Within a few minutes of debating my confidence level was heightened as my competitor wavered under the piercing crowed and heat stroking camera lights. I laid out my accomplishments which included; repealing a 13 year school mandate that kept many students from graduating within four years, growing campus environmental consciousness, voicing student expectations during the hiring committee meetings for the University’s new Head Master, and more. In addition, I continued to push my platform of lowering student activity fees, creating a better means of communication between the Financial Aid office and student body, and fostering a bond between the campus and neighboring businesses. After two days of voting the polls closed, and the SGA Advisor stood to announce the new SGA officers. I smiled because I was convinced my methods to win were as certain as death and taxes. My methods paid off in my campaigns for SGA Vice President of Academic Affairs and Homecoming King, so why not this? Thirty minutes later I was shaking the hand of the other guy.

All of the Columbian coffee, think tank meetings with peers, meticulous speech writing sessions, and moments of voter persuasion now felt like a waste of time and energy. I was not the Presidential victor, but I could not fathom letting all of my hard work and the supporters I was able to drum up go in vain. I took off work for a weekend and notified my friends and family that I was on a sabbatical from contact with the outside world. During that weekend I took time to relate my experience on the SGA campaign trail to my motivations and desires on campus and in my personal life. I asked myself “why was I running for President or putting efforts into being a public servant; what was I looking to accomplish?” From this question I gathered three conclusions; 1) I was determined to leave a lasting legacy, 2) I wanted to be the leader of a people who focused on making life better for others, and 3) I wanted to achieve heights that no member of my family had ever reached. At that moment I made a promise to myself that I will meet my goals, one step at a time and be the captain of my own destiny.

That summer going into my senior year I built a base of student and faculty supporters, called upon friends from universities such as; University of Georgia, Georgia Institute of Technology and Harvard Business School, and drafted a detailed constitution to start a new campus organization. Two months into the Fall semester I received an official charter establishing Black Student Union (BSU) as a new organization on my campus. As President of this new organization I pushed “Eight Pillars of Unity”: self cultural awareness, effective leadership, community service, scholarship, coalition building, social awareness, political awareness, and economic empowerment. By BSU’s second semester on campus it had risen as the premier organization for minorities on campus. Our number of active members had risen over 70% since the inception of the charter. The organization was off to an extraordinary start as we made presentations to grade school students about college enrollment opportunities, took over the planning and implementation for the University’s annual black history week celebration, became the leading voice for minorities on campus, and formed partnerships with other campus organizations. Upon graduation I had already made my recommendation to the BSU Board of who should succeed me. He was trained, eager, and motivated to continue where I left off. I utilized my organizational capacity, personal relations skills, and most of all my personal drive to build an organization that is fundamentally built to impact the lives of students long after my college days are done. Though I did not win my bid for President of SGA I was able to evaluate my motifs and successfully reach my underlying goals.

Curious1
Posts: 964
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:54 pm

Re: Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby Curious1 » Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:38 pm

I think the topic is excellent--but there are some stylistic problems that you should fix with multiple read throughs.

I would built the essay as a long run up to the election, then losing the election and how that made you realize XYZ and feel XYZ. You already kind of do this but the organization is a little unclear.

Don't talk about the big things--focus on little things. Tiny anecdotes give great insight and are more original than just: I did the following to prepare for my campaign: A, B, and C.

Good luck!

User avatar
Gizmo
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2011 7:24 pm

Re: Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby Gizmo » Wed Oct 05, 2011 5:24 pm

I would rank this as: in the wrong sub-forum.

Acumen
Posts: 24
Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 10:01 am

Re: Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby Acumen » Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:14 pm

Curious1,
Thank you for your input. The more I wrote the more I realized that I was trying to compact a lot of information into two pages. I will create another paper with a different sequence to see if it reads better. I just feel like the process of creating a student organization really exhibited my talents.

Is there any way I can leave it in there and still make the paper dynamic? Also, I don't feel like I am really captivating my audience. What would you suggest doing to make this an unforgettable PS?

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Oct 05, 2011 8:52 pm

the overall topic is good and the writing is solid...there is just something off about the tone...reading this ps makes me think you are really arrogant and cocky. It's good to be a little bit, and I'm sure every law student is...but it just rubs me the wrong way when you say "my opponent withered".

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Need Your Expert Opinion

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:54 am

This reminds me of my Wall Street friend who asked me, "I am rich and successful, how come hot girls don't like me?"

My favorite was:
My methods paid off in my campaigns for SGA Vice President of Academic Affairs and Homecoming King, so why not this?

How much did you spend on your Homecoming King campaign?




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