Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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SA1928
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Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby SA1928 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 6:26 pm

Removed - but if you want to swap, PM me!
Last edited by SA1928 on Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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SA1928
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Re: Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby SA1928 » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:17 pm

:?:

Danteshek
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Re: Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby Danteshek » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:20 pm

I stopped reading when you started with "As a young child." It suggests to me that you lack life experience if you need to resort to your childhood.

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SA1928
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Re: Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby SA1928 » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:22 pm

Ohh, it was just an opening sentence..I don't actually talk about my childhood, but I could definitely see why that would be bad if admission's officers thought the same thing and stopped reading!

Thanks!

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cutecarmel
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Re: Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby cutecarmel » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:35 pm

The first sentence isn't as clear as it could be.
First its better to say "as young, children we look at the world and ask, "why?".

I think you could start with your curiosity and then transition into something more important. Its good that your curious, but curiosity alone won't make you a good lawyer. what else do you have to offer? what has curiosity done besides make you more...curious?

The bit about curiosity and not stereotyping seems a bit wishy-washy to me...I don't see the connection between the two.

I'm also not thrilled about your last paragraph. Its just kind of off to me. but i could be wrong.

Check your grammar. Sometimes you use words that sound out of place in the sentence. For example, "through my endeavor of determining where my illusive carrer may exist"...it seems like you used the sinonym button on word. Part of the PS is creating a professional piece of writing, and it seems highschool-ish.

If you were in AmeriCorps, it might be worth it to talk more about that then your curiosity. Its more concrete and I'm sure it taught you a lot more things that can be valuable to law school than curiosity.

Keep working, its getting there.

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SA1928
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Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:10 pm

Re: Honesty appreciated about PS! :)

Postby SA1928 » Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:30 pm

Thanks for your comments! I definitely agree about the first sentence - actually all of the first paragraph, comes off kind of unnecessary.

I was trying to show that my ability to question my surroundings has provided me with these qualities of becoming a leader, open-minded...but obviously it did not work because it just made me look more curious! Then I tried to connect this, to how my curiosity brought me to law. I have always been interested in law, but spent a lot of time trying to figure out a different career (afraid law wouldn't happen for me), but I kept coming back to it for the reasons stated.

Unfortunately, those are my own words, so I can't blame word on this one, but I see what you mean by it. In my attempt to sound more "formal" I ended up making it sounds worse and like a high school student wrote it.

Thanks again for your help...I've been working on coming up with one strong topic instead of trying to put different things into one. I wanted my personal statement to show law school some of who I actually am, but I'm failing at it miserably!




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