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cutecarmel
- Posts: 599
- Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 11:39 pm
Re: Please help critque
I think there is some room for improvement.
First I don't think the part about track is really necessary. It doesn't really add to the PS and wastes valuable space. If you are really determined to have that part in their, shorten it a lot. Also, I don't really see the connection between your mental fortitude and running....if anything it seems like you gained physical strength
I would personally start of with the fire and Katrine (but shorten it a bit). Don't emphasize so much the struggle, but focus more time on emphasizing how you overcame, what you've learned from it, and how that has helped you grow as a person and as a professional. You say "I pressed on and gave it my all" but you really don't describe how you've overcome.
I would also write why law school has always been a dream of yours. In you PS it just seems like you add it as an excuse for not going to law school right after college, but you don't need an excuse because a lot of people do it.
I also wouldn't talk about preparing for your LSAT.
Spend more time talking about why law school will provide you with the passion to keep reaching...why are you the right match for law school
In general, your thoughts are kind of sporadic. you need to make smoother transitions between ideas and link things together more clearly.
IF you think I can help you more, feel free to PM me. I'm glad to help my fellow LU alums if I can
First I don't think the part about track is really necessary. It doesn't really add to the PS and wastes valuable space. If you are really determined to have that part in their, shorten it a lot. Also, I don't really see the connection between your mental fortitude and running....if anything it seems like you gained physical strength
I would personally start of with the fire and Katrine (but shorten it a bit). Don't emphasize so much the struggle, but focus more time on emphasizing how you overcame, what you've learned from it, and how that has helped you grow as a person and as a professional. You say "I pressed on and gave it my all" but you really don't describe how you've overcome.
I would also write why law school has always been a dream of yours. In you PS it just seems like you add it as an excuse for not going to law school right after college, but you don't need an excuse because a lot of people do it.
I also wouldn't talk about preparing for your LSAT.
Spend more time talking about why law school will provide you with the passion to keep reaching...why are you the right match for law school
In general, your thoughts are kind of sporadic. you need to make smoother transitions between ideas and link things together more clearly.
IF you think I can help you more, feel free to PM me. I'm glad to help my fellow LU alums if I can
