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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Angrygeopolitically
Posts: 187
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:39 pm

delete

Postby Angrygeopolitically » Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:17 am

+
Last edited by Angrygeopolitically on Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

ctm823
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:48 pm

Re: PS critique. Will take down today.

Postby ctm823 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:37 pm

I think you have a good story to tell but the structure is making it a little harder to follow and doesn't quite flow yet. You seem to use a lot of flowery language when can be good, but it seems overused and can allow one to get lost in the story. I would take away the one hundred and one questions etc. and the five hills and thirty-three thousand people statement.
I think you have too long of a description of being lost...eg. beautiful character and people but then jump right into finding happiness. Perhaps focus more on the finding happiness, how you ended up teaching maybe describe your first day instead, and how that comfort came to you and you found the elusive happiness that you searched so far and long for.
In a nutshell, focus more on the strengths and what you overcame by teaching and less on the travels you have had unless you can directly tie them into your story. I would try and think when you are writing how your time in China and trying different things makes you a better candidate for law school. I think you are trying to put it in there to show how well-rounded you are but it doesn't quite flow. I tried to do the same thing with my statement but kept reworking it till my story became simpler but more powerful.

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Odd Future Wolf Gang
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Joined: Thu Jun 02, 2011 7:36 pm

Re: PS critique. Will take down today.

Postby Odd Future Wolf Gang » Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:06 pm

.
Last edited by Odd Future Wolf Gang on Thu Jun 28, 2012 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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174
Posts: 183
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:03 am

Re: PS critique. Will take down today.

Postby 174 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:11 pm

1) Doesn't address why you want to go to law school.
2) Trying too hard to sound smart or insightful. "Empowerment is my Theseus, which ended my life in a labyrinth." Cut it out.

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Angrygeopolitically
Posts: 187
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:39 pm

Re: PS critique. Will take down today.

Postby Angrygeopolitically » Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:16 am

thanks guys! back to the editing room.




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