UPDATED: PS Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

UPDATED: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:12 pm

Updated PS. Almost Final.

Some candid comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

-----------------
*REMOVED
Last edited by rotaxkarter on Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:21 am, edited 6 times in total.

User avatar
thelawschoolproject
Posts: 1364
Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 12:58 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby thelawschoolproject » Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:48 pm

Here are a few thoughts:

1). When you mention that you became a successful consultant, it makes me wonder what you did. You use the three tenets to formulate your approach to difficult situations, but I'm left wondering what you accomplished that rendered you a success? Mostly, I'd like to know more information. Tell me what using the tenets contributed to the company or to the field itself. That way, I'll be able to know how your use of the tenets might be applied to your law experience, other than you'll get through the rough time. I suppose the thing to keep in mind is that it's not just about making it through, but how you make it through.

2). As far as syntax is concerned, you over punctuate and need to be more economical with your word choice.

3). Your use of the three tenets is promising, but there's something about the way you present it that makes me say, "So what?" I don't walk away from your piece especially confident in your ability to practice law. I don't walk away amazed. I leave thinking that you sound awfully generic. Obviously, you have a unique experience to share. Make sure you're presenting it and structuring it in the most effective way possible. Right now that's not the case.

You have a solid PS, but with a little tweaking I think you could make it much better.

Best of luck.

User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:54 pm

Thanks. I'll definitely look into your comments.

As for elaborating on my professional success. I have a recommendation letter from that employer that I'll be submitting with my application and my resume would reflect some of this as well. Do you think I can get away with using the room in my PS for other purposes?

greenclaw
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:56 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby greenclaw » Thu Sep 29, 2011 12:52 pm

The first paragraph is very difficult to follow which discouraged me from even reading the rest of the PS which actually shows very strong writing skills and unique attributes about yourself that qualify you. I would seriously consider cutting it out, all of it and perhaps starting with your second paragraph.

I understand why you included the quote from your grandpa but I don't believe you did it in the most effective way. Colloquial quotes are unnecessary because chances are everyone already has that information. This meaning that you aren't adding anything by including it.

I do like that you have structured it around your obvious passion for kart racing, it certainly makes you stand out in your interests.

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:32 pm

Among the least interesting essays that I have ever read. Other than the phrase "the circus in my stomach", nothing was memorable.
I look forward to reading others' opinions.

User avatar
franklyscarlet
Posts: 2915
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:16 pm

Re: PS Critique

Postby franklyscarlet » Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:10 pm

verb tenses shift in the first paragraph. That drives me bonkers so I didn't read further, but you'll want to proof for that.

User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:58 pm

Thank you for the comments, I'm liking the candid ones. Much appreciated.

Anyone else have anything to add before I take it down?

Thanks

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:00 pm

Those aren't tenets.

User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

Re: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Tue Oct 04, 2011 11:05 pm

Bump. Updated PS. Please be candid. Much appreciated.

User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

Re: UPDATED: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Wed Oct 05, 2011 2:40 pm

Bumping again, really need some comments please.

User avatar
franklyscarlet
Posts: 2915
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:16 pm

Re: UPDATED: PS Critique

Postby franklyscarlet » Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:07 pm

tense shifts in the first section remain. In fact, the whole present tense opener thing feels off.

Exhausted, my rain-soaked suit threatens my balance; I can taste the burnt gas and two-stroke motor oil with every breath of this dense air. This can’t be good for me, but I love it! It’s the taste of kart racing, and I just finished the first qualifying session of the season. The excitement has me fist-pumping. I qualified third.

has, threatens, etc: present tense.

Then, occasionally, you'll switch to qualified, finished- past tense. If you are going to shift in perspective, keep it consistent- don't go present, past, present again, past.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: UPDATED: PS Critique

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Oct 06, 2011 1:01 am

‘Monumental’ describes my qualifying performance, but qualifying is just the preamble to the race, and this race was about to start. We crawl in formation around the track while the growls of 14 rev-hungry motors vibrate through my kart seat and helmet. My focus narrows, my quickened pulse and breathing go unnoticed. We creep around the corner before the start line, and in unison our motors come alive in a high pitched concerto, karts lunging in anticipation for the wave of the green flag.
Why is this here? You should restate your thesis and draw a conclusion in your last paragraph.

I know you think your three tenets formulation is clever, but it would be much easier and more direct to say that you found role models who were successful and did what they did. You need to build on how you find these "mentors" and how you apply their knowledge. I don't think its enough to say, "I do this."
One of the toughest challenges I encountered occurred shortly after graduating from university. I had been hired as a consultant by an information technology consulting firm. Having spent most of my internships filling engineering positions, I was not well versed in information technology and client relationship management.
Also, this segue is weak. It is passive and unnecessary. Introduce the challenge without the dramatic superlative (toughest) and directly show the similarity to the kart racing. "My success in college placed me favorably on the starting line to a challenging career. However, like my beginnings as a kart racer and despite my desire, I lacked the experience to be among the best...." (something like that)

User avatar
rotaxkarter
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:24 am

Re: UPDATED: PS Critique

Postby rotaxkarter » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:20 am

Thank you for the comments!




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.