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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mondayx
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:39 pm

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Postby mondayx » Wed Sep 28, 2011 2:32 am

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Last edited by mondayx on Mon Oct 03, 2011 2:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

jcarsen
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 11:45 am

Re: Looking for advice/editing for personal statement...

Postby jcarsen » Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:50 am

I would narrow the focus a bit more--the gaming section, in particular, comes out of nowhere. If that's where you're headed in your PS, it would be best to open with this and continue on that topic throughout.

Also, I found your intro a little hard to believe--do "very little" children really want to be neonatologists? If that was truly the case for you, I would say something like, "I wanted to be a neonatologist--not that I knew that word back then, of course, but I knew I wanted to help tiny babies." Your tutoring work is interesting, but it doesn't fit with the "what I wanted to be when I grew up" theme of this intro--it strikes me that you're trying to find an excuse to mention it somewhere in the PS.

Best,
Jen Carsen
Law School Statement Editor
http://www.spam.com

mondayx
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:39 pm

Re: Looking for advice/editing for personal statement...

Postby mondayx » Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:30 pm

Thanks, I'm going to work on it tonight after a little LSAT practice and see what I can come up with.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Looking for advice/editing for personal statement...

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:11 pm

Unless you have a diversity experience, do not write about anything that happened to you before college. I also doubt that AdComs want to hear another, "I didn't know what I wanted to do, but now I know."

Saying I didn't know what I wanted to be "when I grow up" infers that you are still not yet grown up. A more interesting story would be how you arrived at the conclusion that nurses do not make a "valid contribution in this world." I think what you are saying is, "here is my excuse for studying nursing and never actually working as a nurse." But it makes you sound like a putz.

If you feel you need to explain your lack of direction (which I would avoid altogether because it focuses on the greatest weakness of your application), you should admit that you found out you are not cut out for the tactile experience of helping people who are in great pain and dying. Pivot to say your more geared to helping people live productively or something like that.




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