PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism Forum
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PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
Down for editing- thanks for advice everyone!
Last edited by Stl2012 on Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
Shameless bump...
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Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
I like the overall theme.
The two stories could be connected better. Also the mention of your dad using the law is very odd. It seems almost like something that should go after the drunk driving accident.
The point about how you want to "bring justice to those who break the law" makes you sound like some kind of malicious Batman.
The two stories could be connected better. Also the mention of your dad using the law is very odd. It seems almost like something that should go after the drunk driving accident.
The point about how you want to "bring justice to those who break the law" makes you sound like some kind of malicious Batman.
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Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
There's no need to discuss grades in a PS - it's redundant. I can see you're going for a leadership angle, but you're not quite there yet. The first paragraph's content is repetitive and abstract; why not give us some texture from the scene? The soot in the Czech air, the difficulty communicating with the locals? And why drop this anecdote in if you're not going to give the reader more context about what the heck you were doing in Prague?
Keep at this -
best, Dani
Keep at this -
best, Dani
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- Posts: 23
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Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
Thanks guys! I agree with both of you, and the point about being a malicious batman is well-taken. Definitely sounds like a lame quote out of a comic book. Any other advice/criticism out there?
- Campagnolo
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Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism
Use active voice, even though events are in the past tense.
The hostel wehad booked...
so my study abroad classmates and Iwere searching searched for somewhere...
and group moralewas starting started to deteriorate.
The hostel we
so my study abroad classmates and I
and group morale
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