PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Stl2012
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:53 pm

PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby Stl2012 » Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:12 pm

Down for editing- thanks for advice everyone!
Last edited by Stl2012 on Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Stl2012
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:53 pm

Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby Stl2012 » Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:49 pm

Shameless bump...

Gandalf205
Posts: 17
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:00 pm

Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby Gandalf205 » Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:52 pm

I like the overall theme.

The two stories could be connected better. Also the mention of your dad using the law is very odd. It seems almost like something that should go after the drunk driving accident.

The point about how you want to "bring justice to those who break the law" makes you sound like some kind of malicious Batman.

dani_burhop
Posts: 64
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:14 pm

Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby dani_burhop » Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:59 pm

There's no need to discuss grades in a PS - it's redundant. I can see you're going for a leadership angle, but you're not quite there yet. The first paragraph's content is repetitive and abstract; why not give us some texture from the scene? The soot in the Czech air, the difficulty communicating with the locals? And why drop this anecdote in if you're not going to give the reader more context about what the heck you were doing in Prague?

Keep at this -

best, Dani

Stl2012
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:53 pm

Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby Stl2012 » Wed Sep 28, 2011 3:28 pm

Thanks guys! I agree with both of you, and the point about being a malicious batman is well-taken. Definitely sounds like a lame quote out of a comic book. Any other advice/criticism out there?

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Campagnolo
Posts: 906
Joined: Wed Oct 28, 2009 5:49 pm

Re: PS first draft- need some of your expert criticism

Postby Campagnolo » Wed Sep 28, 2011 3:31 pm

Use active voice, even though events are in the past tense.

The hostel we had booked...

so my study abroad classmates and I were searching searched for somewhere...

and group morale was starting started to deteriorate.




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