PS Final Draft, Please Be Critical!!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

PS Final Draft, Please Be Critical!!!!

Postby smoneill88 » Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:03 pm

Removed to work on editing.
Last edited by smoneill88 on Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS Final Draft, Please Be Critical!!!!

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Sep 25, 2011 5:26 pm

This is not good enough. Your writing needs to improve. Move away from the passive voice. Do not start sentences with pronouns, particularly "it". You also start your paragraphs with transitional crutches like "Following this...", "Moving forth...", "It is here that you find me...", etc. These are forced transitions used to cover poor cohesiveness.



smoneill88 wrote:Hello Everyone,

My father had always preached that I should “do what I love and success and happiness would find me.”[cliche] To me there [passive voice, if you have to start a sentence with "to me" you have mixed up the subject and object] was never an option but to succeed, to leap into the world unbound by hesitation or doubt and make my mark. If I didn’t, I would be letting myself down more than anyone else [why is this necessary to your point? be succinct]. I realized that only I could determine my future and success. [so what? this has nothing to do with the topic of this sentence or this PS (which is do what you love)] But I did not know what I loved. [never start a sentence with "but"] And as I prepared to enter my collegiate career without a dream or direction I felt adrift. ["I felt adrift" is your subject and predicate, but you wouldnt know it from its placement in this sentence; you also should avoid saying you did not have a dream, you did. You lacked direction or a means of fulfilling your dream. If you improve you writing you will be able to communicate this better.]

Unfortunately, my early undergraduate courses failed to inspire me. [passive, weak] I found courses like economics and management intriguing, but their applications beyond the classroom left me uninterested. [passive, weak] In light of this I decided that in whatever spare time I had between classes I would acquire work in the entertainment industry, a business that had always captured my attention. [passive, weak] I quickly became captivated [passive, weak] by the industry, insofar as to know that I belonged somewhere within its vastness, fast pace, and intense type-a personalities. However, the production side of the business in which I worked [passive, weak] at the time offered minimal intellectual stimulation and few opportunities for growth. I knew my search had to continue. [passive, weak] I needed to find my niche.

Following this first taste of entertainment [terrible segue, also s/b entertainment industry/business], I was faced [passive, weak] with a semester that included what many considered to be the most difficult core business course in our curriculum: business law. [overly dramatic, biz law is lightweight compared to most substantive law classes] The professor had an inspiring personality [passive, weak, why can't you say "The professor inspired me..."] , but set a foreboding tone as he affirmed the difficulty of the months to come. I had never before encountered legal subject matter, but felt optimistic to try something new.[what does that mean "to feel optimistic to try something new?" Do you mean you were open? Do you mean you believed this new thing would benefit you? This is very vague and unimaginative writing.] As I began our first assignment, a case brief involving torts, I became enthralled [really? enthralled? If a single torts case makes you weak in the knees, you need to tell us what about it is so enthralling] with this newfound area of study [what value do I as a reader get out of the words "this newfound area of study", be concise as opposed to flowery and verbose], the law. As the semester continued every topic fascinated me, and the engaging Socratic teaching style was something I lived for.[still too dramatic, makes you sound immature to the point of being a geek] I felt anticipation and excitement with every step I took into his classroom, awaiting the challenge of his questioning and lectures. [you are now rambling. we get it, you loved business law to pieces. If anything this makes you sound obsessive and creepy.] Despite the rigor of the class, I took pleasure in the late nights and hours of study the coursework demanded. [are you trying to convince the reader that your biz law class prepared you for the rigors of law school? You should know, from someone who has done both, it ain't even close] I had found my love and direction. It was here, immersed in an education of the law, that I knew I belonged. [passive, weak. Where is here? Do you mean, "I belonged in a law class."? I know that doesn't sound as pretty but it says the same thing and is quite a bit easier to read]

Moving forth I dedicated every ounce of my effort to pursuing excellence and opportunities in and surrounding the law [wtf?] also [passive, weak] I wanted to know more about the law and sought out other opportunities to deepen my legal understanding. I added an emphasis in Business Law to my curriculum, challenging myself to take some of the most difficult courses the LMU School of Business had to offer. [so what?] I became increasingly focused in all of my schoolwork, making Dean’s List in my subsequent four semesters.[how does this follow? this is unrelated to your theme, topic, or paragraph. If you are saying that because you found a direction or application for your learning, that the fire burned brighter, then you need to develop that] Beyond scholastics, I relentlessly [wtf? modifiers are the last bastion of a desperate writer] pursued internships and jobs at top entertainment companies to help satisfy my newfound passion for the law and my pre-existing love for the entertainment industry. [rewrite] As friends went on vacations and visited foreign countries during summers, all [so what, who cares what your friends did, are you saying you sacrificed by not going to Paris?] I wanted was to gain knowledge of the law in entertainment. [when you take at the meaningless part of this sentence, you realize the whole thing adds no value. If you want to argue that you had the discipline to forego some things t follow law (which is a stretch IMO), you need to take the time to develop that.] I had my first taste [poor choice of metaphor] at NBC/Universal and found myself gripped by the contract negotiations process. In my current position working on advertising for Apple Inc., I am participating in the new media and technological shifts that are transforming entertainment and its legal practices. [again, I am lost. why is this here? what are you supporting with this statement about your job at apple? that you see the law in every environment and thus you are passionate?] It is the culmination of these experiences, from my education to my work, that has led me[wtf?] also [passive, weak] to a point where it has never been more clear what [is this becoming a question? use what when asking a question] will allow me to achieve the happiness and success that not only my father spoke of, but that I demand of myself. It [okay so "what" is "it" and "it" is "entertainment law", would it be eaiser to just put "entertainment law" in the last sentence instead of "what"] is the study of entertainment law.

It is here that you find me now. [I have no idea where you are right now] I have discovered and embarked on the pursuit of a love and could not be more determined.[what does it mean for a love to be determined?] It is my life’s ambition to practice entertainment law in Los Angeles, and an education at UCLA Law School will place me in the best possible position to attain this goal. My schooling [find a better word or phrase to express education] and work experience provide [wtf?] also [passive, weak] an ample background [what does this mean ample background? are you saying you are well qualified for law school? My point is phrases like 'ample background' mean nothing.] for me to succeed in law school and I am more than [is it even possible to be "more than ready?" This writing reminds me of "A few Good Men." "I object." "Overruled." "No, I strenuously object."] ready to take the next leap towards becoming an entertainment lawyer.


Start over. This topic is uninspiring. And your writing needs to be better.

smoneill88
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2010 2:23 am

Re: PS Final Draft, Please Be Critical!!!!

Postby smoneill88 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:33 pm

Thank you so much for the thorough feedback, this is EXACTLY what I was looking for. I'm going to sit on this for a day or two and start a fresh draft on Wednesday. I'd like to try and save the topic, as I think my work experience and ambition are my strongest traits that will make me stand out, it's just a matter of figuring out how to communicate that in a stronger way than I have in this essay.

And if anyone has additional feedback, still please post! The more feedback the better, it will help me write something better!




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